BY    CtORCC    FITCH 


N 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


^"»*THDAKOTA-\ 

SOUTH 


J\  KT  BRY*, 
»'   \  (Acnvij 

NEBRASKA     J 


GIFT  OF 

David  Freedman 


G-  H- 


SIZING  UP 
UNCLE  SAM 


VESTPOCKET       ESSAYS        (NOT 

ESPECIALLY    SERIOUS)     ON 

THE     UNITED     STATES 


BY 

GEORGE  FITCH 

AUTHOR    OF    "AT   GOOD    OLD    SIWASH,"    ETC. 


NEW  YORK 

FREDERICK  A.  STOKES  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1914,  by 
FREDERICK  A.  STOKES  COMPANY 


All  rights  reserved,  including  that  of  translation  into 
foreign  languages. 


September,  1914 


168 


DEFENSE  BY  THE  AUTHOR 

MAY  IT  PLEASE  THE  READER: 

For  the  past  three  years  I  have  been  writing  little  bun- 
dles of  words  on  various  themes  ranging  from  "  Hope  "  to 
"  Hash "  and  from  "  Cabbages  "  to  "  Kings."  George 
Matthew  Adams,  the  Syndicate  Man,  is  really  the  one  to 
blame  because  he  made  me  do  it,  but  if  the  reader  forgives 
him,  so  do  I. 

Among  the  thousand-odd  subjects  upon  which  I  have 
written,  very  many  have  pertained  to  the  United  States,  its 
glories  and  peculiarities,  due  to  the  fact  that  I  am  seven- 
teen-tenths  American  myself.  I  have  decided  to  bale  up  a 
collection  of  these  so  that  the  reader  may  soak  up,  at  one 
sitting,  incredible  amounts  of  information  regarding  his 
native  land. 

I  have  obtained  this  information  from  encyclopaedias,  blue 
books,  census  reports,  the  World  Almanac,  railway  time 
tables,  lunch  counter  bills  of  fare,  sign  boards,  advertise- 
ments, hearsay,  suspicion,  conjecture  and  the  charges  made 
in  the  heat  of  a  campaign.  Of  the  five  million  or  more  of 
readers  of  the  newspapers  in  which  these  essays  have  ap- 
peared, about  half  have  written  me  at  various  times,  cor- 
recting mistakes  and  inaccuracies.  If  any  mistakes  remain, 
therefore,  they  are  plainly  the  fault  of  the  other  2,500,000 
readers  who  have  neglected  their  opportunity  to  set  me  right. 

I  submit  these  essays  to  the  reader  not  with  the  idea  of 
embarrassing  any  other  authorities  or  of  producing  revolu- 
tions or  reforms,  but  in  the  three- fold  belief: 

v 

918708 


vi     DEFENSE    BY    THE   AUTHOR 

First  —  that  the  essays  may  be  taken  in  liberal  doses 
without  especial  harm. 

Second  —  that  much  of  what  is  contained  in  them  is  true. 
Third  —  that   a   number   of   facts   herein   contained    are 
making  their  first  appearance  in  public. 

Yours  very  truly, 

GEORGE  FITCH. 


CONTENTS 

I     STATES  PAGE 

NEW  YORK — The  Greatest  State  ....  S 

VIRGINIA — The  Proudest  State     .      .      .      .  '   5 

SOUTH  CAROLINA — The  Scrappiest  State  .  7 
COLORADO — The  Tallest  State  .  .  .  .9 

TEXAS — The  Biggest  State 11 

WASHINGTON — The  Dampest  State    .      .      .  13 

KENTUCKY — The  Touchiest  State       .      .      .  15 

KANSAS — The  Loudest  State 17 

ARizoNA^The  Youngest  State  .  .  .  .  19 
OHIO — The  Home  of  Our  Relatives  .  .  .21 

ILLINOIS — The  Producer  of  Chicago  ...  23 

CALIFORNIA — The  Tourist's  Paradise       .       .  25 

PENNSYLVANIA — Headquarters   for  Heat       .  27 

INDIANA — Provider  of  Vice-Presidents  .  .  29 
MISSOURI — The  Old-Fashioned  State  .  .  .31 
MASSACHUSETTS — The  Largest  State  for  Its 

Size 33 

MAINE — The  Right  Bower      .      .      .      .      .  35 

FLORIDA — The  Southeast  Bower  .      . '      .      .  37 

II     CITIES 

NEW  ORLEANS V      .      .  41 

PITTSBURG    .      , 43 

CHICAGO 45 

Los  ANGELES 47 

NEW  YORK  CITY     .      .      .      .    '.      .      .      .  49 

SEATTLE        .•-.•.-     ...      .      .      .      .  51 

WASHINGTON      .      .•     .      .    -.      .    '-• ".  .•  .    .  53 

PHILADELPHIA    .      ••     .•     ••••••.      .      .  55 

SAN  FRANCISCO 57 

KANSAS  CITY .      .  59 

BOSTON 61 

vii 


viii  CONTENTS 


III  DONATIONS  FROM  NATURE  PAGE 

THE  ROCKY  MOUNTAINS 65 

NIAGARA  FALLS 67 

THE  MISSISSIPPI  RIVER 69 

THE  GRAND  CANYON 71 

THE  GREAT  SALT  LAKE 73 

YELLOWSTONE  PARK 75 

IV  ARC  LIGHTS  IN  OUR  HISTORY 

GEORGE  WASHINGTON  .      .      .      .      .    -.      .  79 

ABRAHAM  LINCOLN       .      .      .      .      .      .      .  81 

BENJAMIN  FRANKLIN 83 

THOMAS  JEFFERSON 85 

ULYSSES  S.  GRANT 87 

HENRY  CLAY 89 

ALEXANDER  HAMILTON 91 

JOHN  QUINCY  ADAMS 93 

ANDREW  JACKSON 95 

V    LEADING  CITIZENS 

WOODROW  WILSON 99 

THEODORE  ROOSEVELT 101 

THOMAS  A.   EDISON 103 

JANE  ADDAMS 105 

WILLIAM  J.  BRYAN 107 

JOHN  D.  ROCKEFELLER 109 

CORNELIUS  J.  MCGILLICUDDY Ill 

JUDGE  LYNCH 113 

COLONEL  BOGIE 115 

VI     POLITICAL  PHENOMENA 

SENATORS     .      .,     . 119 

CONGRESSMEN 121 

THE  PRESIDENT 123 

STANDPATTERS 125 

BOOMS *      .      .  127 

THE  ELECTORAL  COLLEGE 129 

JUDGES 131 

VICE  PRESIDENTS 133 


CONTENTS  ix 


VII     CHIEF  PRODUCTS  *AGE 

CORN 137 

TOBACCO       ...........  139 

Hoos       ........     ...     ,.      .  141 

PIE .      .  143 

SLANG 145 

OFFICE  SEEKERS 147 

VIII     EXCLUSIVE  FEATURES 

THE  QUICK  LUNCH  COUNTER 151 

GREEK  LETTER  SOCIETIES 153 

BROADWAY 155 

THE  BASEBALL  FAN 157 

THE  STAR  SPANGLED  BANNER     .      .      .      .159 

THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH 161 

ELEVATORS 163 

COLLEGE   SPIRIT 165 

COUNTRY  CLUBS 167 

THE  HAM  SANDWICH 169 

SKYSCRAPERS 171 

IX     FADS 

BATH  TUBS 175 

ANCESTORS 177 

POPULATION 179 

DIVORCE. 181 

X     PASTIMES 

BASEBALL 185 

FOOTBALL ,„,....  187 

CORN  HUSKING 189 

TREATING 191 

GETTING  RICH 193 

XI     BRAGGING  POINTS 

THE  PANAMA  CANAL 197 

PUSH 199 

INDEPENDENCE         .........  201 

AMBITION 203 

REFORMERS 205 


x  CONTENTS 


XII     DRAWBACKS  PAGE 

TORNADOES   .      .«    .      . 209 

REVOLVERS    .      .«    .- 211 

WALL  STREET  .  .  „•,•.»  .  ; '•;  ;  .  .  213 
PULLMAN  PORTERS  .  .  ..-.'.  .  215 
IMPORTED  HUSBANDS  .  .  .  ...  .  217 

CABARETS 219 

WASTE     .      .      .      .  ,  *      .      .      .      .      ...   221 

EXTRAVAGANCE  223 

RAILWAY  STATIONS 225 

XIII     PROBLEMS 

EX-PRESIDENTS .   229 

THE  TARIFF 231 

SLEEPING  CARS 233 

CITY   HALLS 235 

THE  STANDING  ARMY 237 


STATES 

There  are  forty-eight  States  in  this  country 
and  each  one  has  some  separate  and  distinct 
excuse  for  extreme  pride.  Formerly  each 
State  was  a  principality,  jealous  of  all  the 
others.  Now  we  are  all  one  family  and  the 
only  real  use  for  State  lines  is  to  enable  the 
dining-car  waiters  to  tell  when  to  stop  serv- 
ing liquor. 

The  States  range  in  size  from  Rhode 
Island,  which  is  so  small  that  the  voters  mis- 
laid it  for  years  and  have  only  recently  dis- 
covered it  in  Mr.  Aldrich's  personal  effects, 
to  Texas  which  has  four  climates  and  several 
million  acre  cow  pastures.  And  they  range  in 
population  from  New  York  with  ten  million 
people  to  Nevada  where  a  man  sometimes  has 
to  travel  200  miles  on  foot  to  find  enough 
company  to  pick  a  quarrel. 


SIZING  UP  UNCLE  SAM 

NEW  YORK  STATE 

THE    GREATEST    STATE 

NEW  YORK  is  known  as  the  Empire  State,  be- 
cause of  the  vast  numbers  of  money  kings,  rail- 
road kings,  steel  kings,  theater  kings  and  mis- 
cellaneous potentates  which  it  harbors.     It  is  a  medium 
sized,    quaintly     designed    State,     containing    47,000 
square  miles  and  over  9,000,000  people,  something  over 
5,000,000  of  whom  are  jammed  down  in  the  toe  of  the 
State  in  a  municipal  sardine  box,  known  as  Greater 
New  York. 

New  York  State  is  the  greatest  of  American  common- 
wealths. It  contains  more  people,  more  factories,  more 
money,  more  millionaires,  more  society,  more  news- 
papers, more  actors,  more  shipping  and  more  politics 
than  any  other  State.  It  is  400  miles  long  and  300 
miles  tall  on  the  map  and  is  divided  into  two  parts  by 
the  New  York  Central  Railroad,  the  Erie  Canal  and  the 
Tammany-Sulzer  squabble.  It  was  discovered  in  1609 
by  Hendrick  Hudson,  who,  however,  made  the  great 
mistake  of  sailing  away  without  picking  up  a  few  pub- 
lic service  franchises  cheap  and  made  nothing  from  his 
find.  It  was  first  settled  about  1614  and  in  the  last  100 
years  has  grown  so  rapidly  that  Congress  has  had  to 
be  enlarged  ten  times  to  take  care  of  its  ever-increasing 
horde  of  representatives, 


4  SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

The  State  of  New  York  itself  is  commonly  supposed 
to  be  only  a  sort  of  back  yard  for  the  city  of  New 
York,  but  this  is  only  because  the  city  does  all  of  the 
talking.  The  back  yard  contains  over  4,000,000  peo- 
ple, and  when  they  are  having  a  political  campaign  it  is 
impossible  to  hear  anything  else  in  the  country.  New 
York  always  votes  for  the  successful  presidential  can- 
didate for  the  same  reason  that  a  fat  boy  always 
sits  on  the  lower  end  of  a  teeter  totter. 

New  York  State  contains  three  mountain  ranges,  the 
Catskills,  Adirondacks  and  lower  Broadway.  It  con- 
tains the  Hudson  River,  which  is  a  broad,  magnificent 
stream  superbly  decorated  with  mountain  sides,  ice 
houses  and  brick  barges.  It  has  a  half  interest  in  Ni- 
agara Falls  and  Lake  Champlain  and  Andrew  Carnegie. 
It  also  contains  the  oldest  living  Ex-president,  but  has 
been  unable  to  harness  him  as  successfully  as  it  has 
Niagara  Falls. 

New  York  State  produces  more  butter  and  eggs, 
milk,  dividends,  magazines,  battleships,  clothing  and 
newspaper  stories  than  any  other  State.  It  was  orig- 
inally infested  with  Indians,  but  they  have  all  been 
rooted  out  except  the  Tammany  tribe,  which,  however, 
has  done  more  damage  than  all  the  others  put  together. 


STATES 


VIRGINIA 

THE    PROUDEST    STATE 

THE  State  of  Virginia  is  a  pleasant,  fertile  land, 
watered  by  rivers  with  noble  and  sonorous  names, 
and  located  below  the  Potomac  River,  well  out  of 
the  frosted  ear  belt.     It  is  shaped  like  a  railroad  snow 
plow,  and  contains  40,000  square  miles,  a  great  num- 
ber of  which  are  occupied  by  mountains,  which  are  not 
grand  enough  to  attract  tourists,  nor  valuable  enough 
to  pay  for  their  board  and  keep. 

Virginia  occupies  a  prominent  place  in  the  front  row 
of  States  in  American  history,  being  perpetually  jostling 
with  Massachusetts  for  the  spotlight.  It  was  first  set- 
tled in  1604,  to  the  intense  disgust  of  Massachusetts, 
which  didn't  get  around  to  this  duty  until  1620.  It 
became  the  greatest  of  the  colonies,  shipping  vast  quan- 
tities of  tobacco  to  England,  and  containing  many 
great  estates  well  stocked  with  slaves  and  aristocrats. 
It  took  a  very  prominent  part  in  the  Revolution,  and 
Patrick  Henry  was  the  first  American  to  allude  to  the 
British  administration  in  terms  of  seething  discontent. 
Massachusetts  began  the  Revolution  at  Concord,  but 
Virginia  finished  it  up  at  Yorktown.  Massachusetts 
supplied  Samuel  Adams  and  John  Hancock,  but  Vir- 
ginia supplied  George  Washington.  Massachusetts 
chants  the  praises  of  Plymouth  and  Miles  Standish,  but 
Virginia  comes  right  back  with  Jamestown  and  Captain 
John  Smith,  throwing  in  Pocahontas  for  good  measure. 
Whenever  a  Virginia  man  and  a  Massachusetts  man  get 


6  SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

together  and  begin  discussing  history,  Andrew  Carne- 
gie digs  up  for  another  wing  on  the  peace  temple  at  the 
Hague. 

At  the  time  of  the  Civil  War,  Virginia  was  the  great- 
est of  the  Southern  States,  and  Richmond  became  the 
capital  of  the  Confederacy.  This  caused  a  great  deal  of 
running  to  and  fro  over  the  State  by  infantry,  cavalry 
and  artillery  for  four  years,  and  the  splendid  planta- 
tions and  fertile  valleys  got  so  badly  trampled  under 
foot  that  they  have  never  recovered.  For  many  years 
afterward  Virginia  was  a  sad  ruin,  but  she  has  lately 
been  making  an  earnest  effort  to  come  back,  and  has 
now  passed  the  2,000,000  mark  in  population. 

Virginia's  chief  crops  have  been  tobacco,  old  families 
and  presidents.  It  gave  the  nation  four  of  its  first  five 
presidents,  and  later  slipped  in  the  fifth.  Afterwards 
when  the  soil  refused  to  produce  presidents,  a  rotation 
of  crops  was  tried,  a  captain  of  industry,  Thomas  Ryan, 
and  later  President  Wilson,  having  been  produced  lately 
with  great  success.  Virginia  is  also  getting  interested 
in  railroads,  coal  mines  and  steel  mills,  and  many  of 
its  grand  old  plantation  mansions  will  soon  be  occupied 
by  brand  new  millionaires. 


STATES 


THE    SCRAPPIEST    STATE 

SOUTH  CAROLINA  is  a  State  of  perpetual  irri- 
tation, situated  between  Georgia  and  North  Car- 
olina, and  somewhere  between  the  Revolution  and 
the  Civil  War.  It  is  the  fightinist  State  in  the  Union, 
and  is  the  unsafest  spot  between  the  Atlantic  and  the 
Pacific  in  which  to  discuss  the  Emancipation  Proclama- 
tion or  to  edit  a  newspaper  with  a  trenchant  pen. 

South  Carolina  contains  30,000  square  miles, 
is  shaped  like  a  five-cent  cut  of  pie,  and  has  1,500,000 
people,  including  Republicans  and  Chinese.  The  pop- 
ulation is  almost  equally  divided  between  whites  and 
negroes,  but  one  white  Carolinian  when  he  gnashes  his 
teeth  and  draws  in  his  breath  with  a  low,  hissing  sound 
can  make  100  colored  residents  go  away  in  search  of 
rest  and  a  change  of  climate  without  waiting  for  the 
next  train. 

South  Carolina  has  always  been  noted  for  its  nerv- 
ous disposition  and  its  willingness  to  rise  up  and  smite 
the  universe  on  all  occasions.  The  British  were  having 
an  easy  time  in  the  Revolution  when  they  struck  South 
Carolina,  but  General  Marion  soon  made  them  look 
like  a  Republican  who  has  criticised  General  Lee  in 
Charleston.  The  State  helped  win  the  Revolution,  but 
threatened  to  take  its  doll  things  and  go  home  in  Jack- 
son's administration,  and  in  1861  it  opened  the  Civil 
War  by  seceding  with  a  prodigious  explosion.  Later 
it  contributed  Tillman  to  the  United  States  Senate 


8  SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

and  has  listened  to  the  uproarious  results  with  pride 
ever  since.  South  Carolina  was  severely  shaken  by  an 
earthquake  in  1886,  but  did  not  secede  at  that  time. 

South  Carolina  raises  cotton,  rice  and  sweet  potatoes, 
and  supplies  turpentine  and  resin  to  the  world  at  large. 
It  begins  at  the  Atlantic  Ocean  in  a  modest  way  about 
six  feet  below  high  water,  and  for  many  miles  inland  is 
so  moist  that  the  farmers  keep  life  belts  handy  on  their 
wagons.  It  has  many  fine  old  towns,  full  of  polite  and 
chivalrous  citizens,  but  the  population  peters  out  in 
the  western  mountains,  where  the  people  eat  clay  instead 
of  ice  cream  and  lobster,  and  empty  the  hook  worms 
out  of  their  Sunday  shoes  by  pounding  the  soles  with 
a  stick.  There  are  three  religions  in  the  State  — 
Protestant,  Catholic,  and  States  Rights.  Between 
the  Savannah  and  the  Peedee  Rivers  John  C.  Calhoun 
is  still  the  greatest  man  in  the  world  and  history  closes 
in  1865. 

Charleston,  a  beautiful  petrified  city  on  the  seacoast, 
is  the  metropolis  of  South  Carolina.  The  hope  of  the 
State  is  in  its  public  schools,  but  the  cotton  mills, 
which  are  spreading  all  over  it  like  a  heavy  rash,  are 
driving  hundreds  of  teachers  out  of  employment. 


STATES 


COLORADO 

THE    TALLEST    STATE 

COLORADO  is  the  roof  garden  of  the  United 
States.  It  is  located  a  mile  above  the  sea  on 
the  shoulders  of  the  Rocky  Mountains,  and  is 
nearly  three  miles  high  in  a  large  number  of  spots. 

Colorado  has  100,000  square,  oblong  and  pyramidal 
and  parallelepiped  miles.  Many  of  its  miles  contain 
as  many  as  fourteen  sides  and  some  of  them  have  up- 
wards of  5,000  acres  —  a  thousand  on  each  side.  Half 
of  Colorado  is  so  badly  broken  out  with  mountain  peaks 
that  it  looks  like  a  Mastadonic  picket  fence  to  the 
reckless  aviator  traveling  over  it.  Colorado  trains 
travel  farther  going  a  mile  than  a  small  boy  does  in 
coming  home  from  school,  and  there  are  whole  counties 
where,  if  the  daring  resident  lets  go  of  the  State  long 
enough  to  moisten  his  hands,  he  will  land,  a  total 
stranger,  in  another  voting  precinct  a  couple  of  miles 
below. 

Colorado  has  the  grandest  collection  of  mountains 
in  the  United  States  or  almost  anywhere  else.  Even 
the  humblest  citizen  has  scenery  three  times  a  day 
with  his  meals,  and  all  the  fresh  and  sanitary  air  that 
he  can  breathe.  The  mountains  are  stuffed  with  pre- 
cious metals,  and  while  Coloradoans  are  digging  $75,- 
000,000  a  year  out  of  their  interiors,  the  tourists  are 
clambering  gayly  over  their  exteriors  with  almost 
equally  profitable  results  to  the  State.  Colorado  has 
more  mines  than  any  other  State,  and  also  more  pros- 


10          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

pect  holes  masquerading  as  mines.  Buying  mining 
stock  is  the  greatest  Colorado  dissipation  and  selling 
it  the  greatest  Colorado  vice. 

For  many  years  Colorado  was  only  good  to  climb  over 
and  fall  off  of  and  pry  into  with  a  pick.  Nowadays, 
however,  it  contains  800,000  permanent  citizens,  half 
of  whom  are  farmers.  By  judiciously  soaking  a  Colo- 
rado desert  in  water,  it  can  be  made  to  produce  enor- 
mous crops  of  apples,  potatoes,  sugar  beets  and  al- 
falfa, while  Colorado  canteloupes  are  a  national  gastro- 
nomical  feature  —  though  Oklahoma  claims  that  Colo- 
rado stole  the  Arkansas  River  in  order  to  water  the 
Rocky  Ford  region  and  is  suing  the  State  to  get  it  back. 
The  greatest  crop  in  Colorado  is  the  tourist,  who  ri- 
pens in  June  and  is  found  over  the  State  in  vast  num- 
bers, shedding  $10  bills  with  the  utmost  freedom.  Col- 
orado is  also  a  natural  sanitarium,  and  its  mountain 
air,  if  breathed  persistently,  wiU  revamp,  half  sole  and 
entirely  renovate  worn-out  lungs. 

Colorado  was  admitted  to  the  Union  in  1876  and  is 
a  progressive  State,  in  which  the  women  vote,  but  not 
to  excess  like  the  men.  Pikes  Peak,  14,100  feet  high, 
is  the  biggest  thing  in  Colorado,  and  Ben  B.  Lindsay, 
five  feet  high,  the  next  biggest. 


STATES  11 


TEXAS 

THE    BIGGEST    STATE 

TEXAS  is  the  William  H.  Taft  of  the  common- 
wealths. It  is  the  largest  State  in  the  Union 
and  has  by  far  the  greatest  waist  measure.  It 
has  almost  four  million  citizens,  and  yet  there  aren't 
enough  of  them  in  any  one  spot  to  make  a  city  of 
100,000  people.  All  the  people  in  the  world  could 
gather  in  Texas  and  there  would  still  be  room  for  the 
gentlemanly  ushers  to  pass  between  the  rows  selling 
tickets  for  the  big  concert  to  take  place  after  the  show. 

Texas  is  over  a  thousand  miles  long  each  way,  in 
places,  and  contains  150,000  square  miles.  Passenger 
trains  frequently  lose  two  days'  time  in  passing 
through  the  State,  and  Texans  die  of  sunstroke  and 
freezing  in  the  same  afternoon.  Ten  thousand  land 
agents  have  been  selling  farms  in  Texas  for  thirty 
years  and  there  are  still  places  in  the  State  100  miles 
from  the  nearest  drug  store.  There  are  13,000  miles 
of  railroad  in  the  State,  and  yet  in  some  sections  a 
man  has  to  get  up  early  and  run  for  nearly  three  weeks 
in  order  to  catch  the  train  to  town. 

When  first  discovered,  Texas  consisted  mostly  of 
cosmic  junk,  including  cacti,  rattlesnakes,  horned 
toads,  tarantulas  and  four  kinds  of  climate.  Later 
the  greaser,  a  species  of  human  invented  by  the  Span- 
iards, moved  in  and  the  rattlesnakes  moved  north  in 
search  of  better  society.  In  the  past  seventy  years, 
however,  great  improvements  have  been  made.  The 


12  SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

cactus,  which  formerly  grew  over  the  State  so  thickly 
that  it  was  impossible  for  a  citizen  to  fall  off  his  horse 
without  puncturing  himself  in  11,000  places,  is  now  be- 
ing replaced  by  onion  beds,  cattle  ranches  and  corner 
lots,  and  the  horned  toads  and  other  horrors  have  been 
used  to  promote  prohibition  campaigns  with  marked 
success. 

Texas  raises  cotton,  rice,  steers  and  democratic 
majorities  in  tremendous  quantities.  It  is  as  natural 
for  a  Texan  to  be  a  democrat  as  it  is  for  a  Japanese 
to  be  slant-eyed.  The  State  is  governed  by  a  legis- 
lature of  great  firmness  and  industry,  whose  greatest 
diversion  is  regulating  corporations  and  railroads. 
It  has  regulated  the  latter  so  carefully  that  it  now 
takes  three  corporation  counsels  to  run  a  freight  train 
across  the  State  without  incurring  $1,000,000  in  fines. 
The  society  for  the  prevention  of  cruelty  to  railroad 
presidents  is  growing  rapidly  throughout  the  State. 

The  metropolis  of  Texas  is  San  Antonio,  the  most 
interesting  foreign  city  in  the  United  States.  It  is 
being  pushed  hard  by  Dallas  and  Houston,  little  cities 
with  deep  bass  voices,  and  by  Galveston,  which  was 
swept  away  by  a  tidal  wave  twelve  years  ago,  but  which 
has  come  back  and  now  dares  the  gulf  to  do  it  again. 


STATES  13 


THE  STATE  OF  WASHINGTON 

THE    DAMPEST    STATE 

THE  State  of  Washington,  which  plays  left  end 
on  the  map  for  this  glorious  republic,  is  a  large 
and  vociferous  commonwealth,  which  is  rapidly 
becoming  an  ex-forest  and  a  future  hot-bed  for  na- 
tional banks.  It  lies  between  Canada,  the  Columbia 
River,  Idaho  and  the  Pacific  Ocean,  and  is  shaped  like 
a  magazine  page  after  the  baby  has  finished  playing 
with  it. 

Thirty  years  ago  Washington  had  75,000  people, 
including  Indians  not  washed.  Now  it  has  1,200,000 
citizens,  and  is  growing  faster  than  any  State,  except 
Oklahoma.  It  was  acquired  by  the  United  States  in 
1803  for  about  five  cents  an  acre,  and  was  allowed  to 
grow  up  wild  until  the  late  eighties,  when  enough  pine 
trees  were  cut  out  to  allow  a  few  settlers  to  edge  in  and 
start  real  estate  offices.  Apple  land  in  Washington 
now  sells  for  $2,000  an  acre  and  many  a  single  pine 
tree  has  sold  for  enough  to  board  its  owner  for  a  year. 
The  Washington  pine  grows  to  a  height  of  300  feet, 
but  is  disappearing  as  rapidly  as  the  Nebraska  buffalo, 
thus  occasioning  much  hard  feeling  among  the  con- 
servationists. Every  time  a  Washington  pine  comes 
crashing  to  the  ground,  Gifford  Pinchot  sheds  a  large 
tear,  and  of  late  years  he  has  had  to  hire  a  staff  of 
emotional  artists  to  help  him  in  his  rush  of  business. 

Washington  clusters  around  Puget  Sound,  which  is 
a  vast  and  wandering  body  of  water,  too  highly  sea- 


14          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

soned  for  drinking  purposes,  but  very  beautiful  when 
not  irritated.  Washington  is  seventeen  days  from 
Japan  by  four  steamship  lines,  four  days  from  Chi- 
cago by  five  transcontinental  railroads,  and  a  half  a  cen- 
tury from  Vancouver  and  Victoria,  just  over  the  inter- 
national boundary  line.  It  has  a  climate  which  is 
moist  enough  to  drink  in  spots,  and  around  Puget 
Sound  the  people  use  fish  nets  instead  of  mosquito  bar 
on  their  windows,  but  the  ring-tailed  blizzards  of  Mon- 
tana are  unknown  there,  and  its  farmers  go  to  Europe 
regularly  for  their  summer  vacations. 

Washington  is  one  of  the  few  American  States  which 
are  heated  by  hot  water.  Though  it  is  far  to  the  north 
the  Japan  stream  keeps  it  warm  all  winter  and  mitigates 
the  cold  shivers  which  the  Japanese  navy  gives  it  every 
time  California  messes  up  the  sacred  cause  of  universal 
peace  with  another  Japanese  school  law. 

Washington  was  settled  by  people  who  left  all  their 
old-fashioned  furniture,  business  ideas  and  political 
machinery  on  the  junk  piles  back  in  the  old  States. 
For  this  reason  the  State  is  a  marvel  of  enterprise  and 
new  ideas,  and  the  arrival  from  the  old  and  experienced 
State  who  has  come  west  to  enlighten  the  natives  often 
has  to  pocket  his  pride  and  ask  the  hired  girl  how  to 
vote  his  first  ballot. 

Walla  Walla  and  Olympia  were  once  the  greatest 
cities  of  Washington,  but  have  stood  pat  for  many 
years,  while  Seattle,  Tacoma  and  Spokane  have  grown 
into  greatness  and  are  equipped  with  every  metropol- 
itan convenience,  except  old  families. 


STATES  15 


KENTUCKY 

THE    TOUCHIEST    STATE 

KENTUCKY  is  one  of  the  warmest  American 
States,  not  only  climatically  but  politically. 
It  is  situated  just  south  of  the  healthy  repar- 
tee belt  and  is  separated  from  Ohio,  Indiana  and  Illi- 
nois by  the  Ohio  River,  which  is  often  swum  by  minor- 
ity delegates  in  Kentucky  caucuses. 

Kentucky  is  shaped  like  a  suffragette  shoe,  and  is  of 
medium  size,  about  a  No.  9  on  an  E  last.  It  was  set- 
tled by  Daniel  Boone  with  the  aid  of  a  long  rifle  in 
1769,  and  the  Daniel  Boone  method  of  settlement  is 
still  piously  maintained  in  some  parts  of  the  State  in 
all  important  questions. 

Kentucky  is  a  wonderfully  fertile  region,  and  huge 
crops  are  raised  whenever  the  inhabitants  have  time. 
The  State  is  full  of  fast  horses,  beautiful  women,  fine 
whisky  and  red  hot  men.  It  has  only  2,200,000  inhab- 
itants, but  it  could  have  had  5,000,000  if  the  early 
Kentuckian  had  been  water-jacketed  and  kept  below  a 
shooting  temperature.  Men  kill  each  other  over  poli- 
tics in  Tennessee  and  over  cards  in  Texas,  and  as  a 
recreation  in  Chicago,  but  in  Kentucky  crops,  politics 
and  family  quarrels  are  all  fatal.  The  result  is  that 
in  some  districts  the  Kentuckian  who  dies  in  bed  with 
his  boots  off  is  sat  upon  by  the  coroner,  who  tries  to 
find  the  reason. 

Kentucky  raises  more  tobacco  than  any  other  State, 
when  the  night  rider  doesn't  ride.  The  night  rider  is 


16          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

a  sort  of  human  boll  weevil  which  gets  into  the  crops 
and  ruins  them  with  a  hoe.  It  travels  in  crowds  and  is 
brave  and  fearless  wherever  its  opponent  is  unarmed. 
The  feud  is  another  Kentucky  disease  which  has  put  a 
sad  cramp  into  the  population.  The  feud  flourishes 
in  the  mountains  of  Eastern  Kentucky  where  the  rail- 
road and  the  Public  Library  do  not  intrude,  and  is  a 
sort  of  a  four  generation  family  quarrel  conducted 
with  shot  guns.  When  one  feudist  meets  another  feud- 
ist  in  a  narrow  valley  and  the  second  feudist  refuses 
to  sidetrack  the  first  feudist  shoots  him.  Then  the  son 
of  the  feudist  of  the  second  part  shoots  the  feudist  of 
the  first  part,  and  the  nephew  of  the  feudist  of  the  first 
part  shoots  the  son  and  second  cousin  of  the  feudist  of 
the  second  part  and  the  brother-in-law  and  uncle  by 
marriage  of  the  feudist  of  the  second  part  catch  the 
nephew  and  grandson  and  sister  and  cousin  by  marriage 
of  the  feudist  of  the  first  part  at  church  and  fill  them 
so  full  of  lead  that  they  have  to  be  taken  home  on  a 
truck.  Taking  the  census  in  Breathitt  County  by 
piece-work  is  a  poorhouse  job. 

Kentucky  has  many  fine  old  cities  and  beautiful  plan- 
tations. It  is  noted  for  its  sunshine,  its  moon  shine, 
its  blue  grass  and  its  red  noses,  its  mint  juleps  and  its 
whisky.  Making  taxed  whisky  is  a  business  in  Ken- 
tucky and  making  un-taxed  whisky  is  a  recreation. 

There  are  many  mountains  in  Kentucky  but  only  one 
volcano  —  Col.  Watterson  of  the  Louisville  Courier- 
Journal. 


STATES  17 


KANSAS 

THE    LOUDEST    STATE 

KANSAS,  the  geographical  and  atmospheric  cen- 
ter of  the  nation,  is  a  large  rectangular  state 
of  mind  situated  just  east  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains, just  north  of  the  color  line  and  just  west  of  the 
plug   hat    boundary.     It   has    1,700,000    people,    and 
would  have  more  but  for  the  fact  that  citizens  fitted  by 
temperament  to  become  Kansans  are  scarce,  and  cannot 
be  imported  by  boatloads  like  New  Yorkers. 

Kansas  consists  of  a  large  number  of  ideas  revolving 
at  a  high  rate  of  speed.  Even  the  weather  has  brain 
storms  in  Kansas,  and  when  a  collection  of  wind  gets 
dizzy  and  starts  across  the  State  in  a  funnel-shaped 
gyroscope,  the  alarmed  citizens  rush  for  the  polls  un- 
der the  impression  that  another  populist  campaign 
is  imminent.  Everyone  in  Kansas  thinks  and  thinks 
out  loud  into  his  neighbor's  ear  with  a  megaphone. 
Reason  is  King  in  Kansas  —  almost  any  old  reason. 
Senator  Ingalls,  the  greatest  remover  of  epidermis  ever 
known  in  the  United  States  Senate,  is  the  State's  great- 
est hero,  and  William  Allen  White,  who  once  condensed 
an  essay  on  "  What  is  the  matter  with  Kansas  "  into 
two  columns  and  789  adjectives,  is  its  prophet. 

Kansas  once  produced  corner  lots,  grasshoppers  and 
whiskers  almost  exclusively.  Thirty  years  ago  the 
rich  men  of  the  State  were  those  who  could  put  their 
possessions  in  their  pockets  and  walk  out  of  it  while 
the  poverty  stricken  masses  had  to  stay  behind  and 


i8          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

pay  taxes  on  1,000  acres  of  land  apiece.  But  the  wild 
free  air  of  the  prairies  produced  thought  and  conver- 
sation, and  this  in  time  curdled  the  atmosphere  and 
produced  rain.  After  that  Kansas  turned  its  atten- 
tion to  wheat,  literature,  and  legislation,  and  has  made 
a  marked  success  of  all  three.  The  Kansas  farmer 
would  blush  if  he  were  seen  in  a  last  year's  automobile, 
and  the  Kansas  legislature  regulates  railroad,  appe- 
tites, weather,  chorus  girls  and  politicians  with  equal 
skill  and  energy.  Kansas  is  also  famed  for  its  fixed 
literary  stars,  White,  Howe  and  Walt  Mason,  who 
only  visit  New  York  once  a  year  and  then  with  return 
tickets  safely  tucked  away. 

Kansas  is  a  semi-arid  state  in  its  large  cities,  and  is 
so  dry  in  its  small  towns  that  visitors  from  St.  Louis 
have  to  drink  spring  tonic  all  summer  to  keep  their 
throats  from  season-cracking.  The  State  has  more 
college  students  per  thousand  people,  sends  more  edit- 
ors to  Congress,  and  has  more  jails  which  are  being 
used  for  hen  houses  than  any  other  State.  It  was  once 
the  home  of  bad  men  with  nervous  and  hasty  revolvers. 
But  by  allowing  these  citizens  full  play  upon  each 
other  they  were  gradually  exterminated,  and  Kansas 
now  produces  best  sellers  and  reformers,  and  is  acquir- 
ing not  only  tall  brows,  but  deep  pockets.  It  will 
never  outvote  the  nation,  but  it  has  been  out-talking  it 
already  for  many  years. 


STATES  19 


ARIZONA 

THE    YOUNGEST    STATE 

ARIZONA  was  made  by  Nature  in  a  frivolous 
and  contradictory  mood  a  few  million  years 
ago,  just  to  show  man,  when  he  arrived,  what 
she  could  do  when  she  felt  like  it.  And  man  has  ad- 
mitted that  in  the  case  of  Arizona  she  has  done  a  plenty. 
She  has  made  rivers  which  are  dusty  on  top  and  has 
put  most  of  the  drinking  water  in  the  State  a  mile 
underground.  She  has  made  red,  yellow  and  blue  des- 
erts and  mountains  which  rise  10,000  feet  high  without 
any  foothills  or  preliminaries.  She  made  beautiful 
valleys  and  forgot  to  sweep  the  1,000  ton  bowlders  out 
of  them  when  she  had  finished.  She  made  the  mesas, 
which  started  out  to  become  mountains,  but  became 
tired  at  the  first  story,  and  which  have  vast  flat  tops 
leveled  off  by  a  celestial  jackplane.  She  made  the  Gila 
monster,  whose  looks  are  almost  fatal.  She  made  the 
Grand  Canyon,  in  which  she  opened  the  earth's  side  for 
250  miles  and  laid  bare  its  granite  ribs.  And  lastly 
she  covered  the  whole  exhibition  with  a  climate  in  which 
bugs  and  microbes  cannot  live,  and  in  which  a  man 
has  to  have  about  ninety  years'  practice  in  order  to  die 
without  assistance. 

Arizona  is  the  grandfather  of  the  continent  geo- 
logically and  the  baby  of  the  States  politically.  It 
was  first  settled  several  thousand  years  before  the  Pil- 
grim fathers  came  over,  and  many  of  the  houses  built 
by  the  original  inhabitants  are  in  a  better  state  of 


20          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

preservation  than  some  of  the  railroad  depots  in  the 
State  to-day.  Arizona  has  the  finest  collection  of  pre- 
historic ruins  in  the  country,  not  excepting  the  Repub- 
lican National  Committee,  but  it  is  only  in  the  last  few 
years  that  men  have  learned  how  to  live  in  it  success- 
fully and  to  refrain  from  the  six-shooter.  Tombstone 
is  one  of  the  oldest  towns  in  the  State  and  its  name  ex- 
plains the  slow  growth  of  Arizona  as  a  Territory.  In 
Southern  Arizona  the  thermometers  are  fitted  with 
safety  valves,  and  for  many  years  the  inhabitants  ven- 
tilated each  other  with  revolver  bullets  in  an  unsuccess- 
ful effort  to  keep  comfortable. 

Arizona  is  now  growing  rapidly  and  contains  210,- 
000  people  —  two  for  each  square  mile.  The  State  is 
thus  not  yet  congested  with  citizens,  and  in  some  of  the 
northern  precincts  across  from  the  Grand  Canyon, 
election  returns  have  to  be  sent  in  to  the  county  seat 
by  aeroplane.  Arizonians  are  of  two  classes  —  those 
who  can't  go  away  because  they  can't  live  anywhere  else, 
and  those  who  don't  go  away  because  they  won't  live 
anywhere  else.  The  soil  of  the  State  is  a  pulverized 
sandstone  and  will  grow  canyons,  mirages  and  sage 
brush  successfully.  When  irrigated,  it  produces  enor- 
mous crops,  however,  and  some  vast  reclamation  proj- 
ects are  being  completed,  including  the  Roosevelt  Dam, 
which  is  the  largest  of  its  kind  west  of  Wall  Street. 

Arizona  is  afflicted  with  a  five-cent-a-mile  railroad 
fare,  which  interferes  considerably  with  the  cause  of 
the  poor  young  candidate,  and  makes  automobiles  an 
economy  instead  of  a  luxury.  It  is  weird  to  look  at, 
but  healthy  to  breathe  and  is  filled  with  people  who  are 
proud  of  it  —  now  that  the  bad  men  and  worse  Indians 
have  proven  fatal  to  each  other. 


STATES  21 


OHIO 

THE    HOME    OF    OUR    EEIATIVES 

OHIO,  with  its  scenic  railway  name,  its  huge  and 
happy  population,  and  its  peculiar  genius  for 
getting  what  it  wants  politically  is  one  of  the 
most  famous  of  the  States.     It  is  a  medium  sized  com- 
monwealth of  40,000  square  miles,  is  about  100  years 
old  and  contains  4,500,000  resident  members,  with  non- 
resident or  alumni  associations  in  every  State  of  the 
Union. 

Ohio  is  eastern  enough  to  be  conservative,  and  west- 
ern enough  to  be  breezy.  It  is  the  spot,  in  fact,  on 
which  the  East  and  the  West  shake  hands.  Most  Ohio 
families  came  from  New  York  and  New  England, 
while  most  western  families  lived  in  Ohio  at  one  time. 
Therefore,  when  an  Ohio  man  runs  for  a  national  of- 
fice, it  is  strictly  a  family  affair  throughout  the  United 
States,  and  he  is  almost  impossible  to  beat. 

Ohio  people  cultivate  the  soil  with  great  energy,  en- 
couraging it  to  produce  grain,  grapes,  grindstones, 
pottery  and  oil  derricks  in  vast  quantities.  The  iron 
ore  from  Minnesota,  and  the  coal  from  Pennsylvania 
also  collide  in  Ohio,  producing  steel  mills,  which  cover 
a  quarter  section  of  land  apiece,  and  are  making 
metropoli  of  towns,  whose  citizens  only  a  few  years 
ago  had  to  stop  the  local  passenger  trains  with  red 
lanterns  when  they  wanted  to  travel.  Besides  steel 
products,  Ohio  also  manufactures  cash  registers, 
automobile  tires,  rubber  boots,  college  graduates,  and 


22          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

presidents.  Six  American  presidents  have  been  Ohio 
made.  They  have  all  been  Republican,  but  the  State  is 
now  experimenting  with  a  Democratic  model,  which  it 
hopes  to  introduce  at  an  early  date.  Ohio  also  has 
more  colleges  of  the  fresh-water  or  non-intoxicating  va- 
riety than  any  other  State.  It  is  possible  to  travel 
from  Ashtabula  to  Cincinnati  without  getting  out  of 
hearing  of  a  college  yell  or  a  Mackinac  coat. 

The  metropolis  of  Ohio  is  Cleveland,  to  the  intense 
disgust  of  Cincinnati,  which  was  once  the  largest  city 
west  of  Philadelphia.  Other  great  Ohio  towns  are  To- 
ledo, Columbus  and  Dayton,  each  of  which  is  larger 
than  the  metropolis  of  Texas,  Iowa,  Kansas,  or  twenty 
other  States. 

Ohio  is  full  of  brave  and  busy  men  who  toil  earnestly 
364  days  in  the  year  and  vote  on  the  365th  day  with 
such  ardor  and  persistence  that  much  trouble  and  em- 
barrassment sometimes  result.  It  is  the  fourth  State 
in  the  Union  in  importance,  but  shivers  in  its  sleep 
when  it  thinks  of  Texas,  which  is  surging  up  behind 
like  a  herd  of  stampeding  steers. 


STATES  23 


ILLINOIS 

THE    PRODUCER    OF    CHICAGO 

ILLINOIS  is  a  way  station  on  the  westward  course 
of  empire,  the  last  stop  before  the  Mississippi 
River,  and  in  the  last  100  years  has  succeeded  in 
permanently  detaining  a  population  of  5,700,000  peo- 
ple, almost  all  of  whom  can  point  to  some  other  part 
of  the  nation  and  say,  fondly,  "  Grandfather  came 
from  there." 

Illinois  is  printed  in  various  colors  on  the  map,  but 
as  a  matter  of  fact,  is  a  deep  black  State,  with  a  ten- 
foot  soil,  which  can  raise  20-foot  cornstalks,  and  can 
put  an  industrious  farmer  into  the  automobile  class 
in  three  crops.  Two  generations  ago,  the  State  gave 
Lincoln,  Grant,  Logan  and  Douglas  to  the  nation,  but 
the  statesman  vein  has  been  pinching  out  ever  since. 

Illinois  is  the  third  State  in  the  Union  in  population, 
wealth  and  manufactures;  the  first  in  railroads  and  ag- 
ricultural products ;  the  second  in  coal ;  the  third  in 
petroleum;  the  second  in  college  attendance,  and  the 
first  in  production  of  beefsteaks  and  bacon.  It  is  a 
long  State,  with  a  waist-line  like  that  of  our  youngest 
ex-President,  and  a  backbone  composed  of  the  Illinois 
Central  Railroad.  It  reaches  from  the  lower  edge  of 
the  frozen  North  to  the  upper  edge  of  the  Sunny 
South,  and  Spring  begins  at  Cairo  before  ice-cutting 
is  over  at  Galena.  This  makes  Illinois  people  vary 
greatly  in  temperament,  customs,  habits,  politics,  and 
thousands  of  northern  Hlinoisans  who  can  find  their 


24          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

way  around  Paris  alone,  would  take  a  guide  if  they 
ventured  below  the  middle  of  their  own  State. 

Northern  and  central  Illinois  are  full  of  farmer  aris- 
tocrats who  raise  leviathan  hogs,  and  get  a  new  model 
piano  player  every  year.  The  southern  part  of  the 
State  has  a  strawberry  blonde  soil,  and  does  not  pro- 
duce such  luxuriant  bank  accounts.  However,  oil  and 
coal  in  vast  quantities  have  been  discovered  in  this  re- 
gion of  late,  and  many  a  farmer  who  has  spent  a  dis- 
appointed life  trying  to  fatten  a  red  pig  on  his  frugal 
farm,  is  now  ordering  $25  worth  of  bacon  and  eggs 
each  morning  in  some  New  York  hotel. 

Illinois  is  composed  of  two  almost  equal  parts  — 
Chicago  and  the  rest  of  the  State.  Down  State  Illi- 
nois is  speckled  with  pleasant  little  cities  and  large  red 
barns,  while  Chicago  attends  almost  exclusively  to  the 
task  of  swelling  the  State's  population.  The  finest 
scenery  in  the  State  is  at  "  Starved  Rock  " —  a  great 
eminence  on  the  Illinois  River,  named  in  honor  of  the 
last  people  who  starved  in  Illinois  —  over  200  years 
ago. 


STATES  25 


CALIFORNIA 

THE  TOURIST'S  PARADISE 

CALIFORNIA   is    a    large,    elbow-shaped    State,, 
which  abuts  on  the  Pacific  Ocean  for  1,000  miles, 
and  is  the  western  terminus  of  the  sleeping-car 
business  in  this  country.     It  extends  from  Mexico  to 
Oregon   laterally,   from   late  winter   to   early    summer 
climatically,    and    from    affluence    to    railroad    lunch 
counters,    viewed    strictly    from    the    tourist's    stand- 
point. 

California  is  shut  off  from  the  rest  of  the  nation  by 
mountains,  deserts,  the  Grand  Canyon,  and  a  railroad 
fare  varying  from  $60  to  $100.  In  spite  of  this  fact 
Californians  speak  perfectly  good  United  States,  pro- 
duce splendid  ball  players  and  insurge  with  all  the  skill 
and  enthusiasm  of  Kansans. 

California  was  discovered  almost  400  years  ago,  but 
was  not  advertised  much  until  1849,  when  its  soil  was 
found  to  be  strongly  impregnated  with  gold.  This 
caused  a  mad  rush  of  settlers,  and  the  State  became 
immediately  popular.  Some  years  afterward  the  Cali- 
fornians experimented  with  oranges  and  found  that 
the  air  was  also  strongly  impregnated  with  gold.  This 
caused  a  second  rush.  Later  on  the  climate  was  an- 
alyzed by  skillful  press  agents  and  was  found  to  be 
warm  in  winter.  This  caused  a  rush  of  tourists  who 
were  more  strongly  impregnated  with  gold  than  either 
the  soil  or  the  air.  In  consequence  California  now  has 
almost  2,500,000  people,  and  there  are  hardly  enough 


26          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

pedestrians  among  them  to  keep  the  automobile  own- 
ers amused. 

California  was  a  wild  State  in  the  fifties,  and  many 
of  its  citizens  died  from  inhaling  revolver  bullets.  But 
it  has  tamed  down  a  great  deal  and  is  now  a  favorite 
place  of  residence  for  aged  and  prosperous  Americans 
who  have  become  tired  of  shoveling  the  climate  of  Mas- 
sachusetts or  Illinois  off  their  sidewalks.  California 
has  thousands  of  citizens  who  never  saw  a  snowstorm 
until  the  election  of  Governor  Johnson,  and  it  is  possi- 
ble to  sit  on  the  sun  porch  of  a  southern  California  res- 
idence in  the  middle  of  January  and  write  souvenir 
cards  to  the  dear  ones  at  home  in  the  drifts,  without 
thawing  out  one's  fountain  pen  for  days  at  a  time. 
California's  climate  has  produced  many  poets  and  art- 
ists and  a  large  number  of  liars,  who  forget  to  talk 
about  the  Arctic  evenings  when  they  chant  its  perfec- 
tions. 

California  produces  oranges,  lemons,  prunes,  ostrich 
feathers,  redwood  lumber,  virgin  gold,  four-foot  oys- 
ters, millionaire  hotel  keepers  and  many  other  valuable 
articles  in  great  quantities.  The  Southern  Pacific  rail- 
road held  the  State  in  slavery  until  recently,  but  it  is 
now  a  free  commonwealth,  and  its  men  and  women  go 
to  vote  against  assorted  tyrants,  arm  in  arm.  Just 
at  present  California's  chief  occupations  are  to  guard 
the  United  States  against  the  yellow  peril,  by  making 
Japan  mad,  and  to  complete  its  world's  fair,  which  will 
be  unveiled  in  San  Francisco  in  1915. 


STATES  27 


PENNSYLVANIA 

HEADQUARTERS   FOR   HEAT 

PENNSYLVANIA  is  a  stern  and  rugged  State,  all 
broken  out  with  mountains,  which  are  full  of 
coal,  oil,  gas  and  iron.  Its  effort  to  get  all  of 
these  substances  out  of  its  system  has  made  Pennsyl- 
vania the  busiest  State  in  the  Union.  Most  States 
quit  work  at  supper  time,  but  Pennsylvania  keeps  right 
on  all  night,  smelting  its  iron  with  its  gas,  and  making 
coke  of  its  coal  and  producing  thereby  such  a  lurid  in- 
ferno of  flame  that  when  a  Western  Pennsylvanian  dies 
and  goes  to  hell,  as  some  of  them  do,  his  first  act  is  to 
hunt  for  a  push  button  to  turn  on  some  light  and  heat. 

Pennsylvania  is  a  45,000  square  mile  rectangle, 
slightly  dog-eared  at  the  eastern  end.  It  extends  from 
Lake  Erie  to  the  Delaware  River,  and  is  traversed  by 
the  Susquehanna,  the  Allegheny,  the  Youghiogheny 
and  the  Monongahela  Rivers,  most  of  which  are  nav- 
igable, as  far  as  the  third  syllable.  It  has  nearly  8,- 
000,000  people,  and  yet  there  are  places  in  Pennsyl- 
vania where  a  man  could  get  lost  and  wander  for  days 
and  days  without  having  to  dodge  a  single  automobile. 

The  chief  features  of  Pennsylvania  are  Philadelphia, 
which  has  amassed  1,400,000  people  and  a  city  hall  537 
feet  high  in  200  years ;  Pittsburg,  which  is  a  brunette 
town,  containing  the  largest  millionaire  factory  in  the 
world;  the  oil  fields,  which  have  covered  a  large  area 
with  a  thick  beard  of  derricks,  and  the  State  Capitol,  a 
handsome  $4,000,000  building  which  contains  the  finest 


28          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

collection  of  cast  iron  bronze  in  the  world.  The  promi- 
nent citizens  are  Boies  Penrose,  who  has  done  the  vot- 
ing for  Pennsylvania  for  a  great  many  years ;  George 
F.  Baer,  personal  representative  of  Providence  in  the 
coal  fields,  and  Edward  Bok,  inventor  of  700,000  ways 
of  making  the  home  happier,  among  which  Votes  for 
Women  is  not  included. 

Pennsylvania  was  discovered  and  started  forward 
by  William  Penn,  the  Quaker,  and  has  had  a  glorious 
and  peaceful  history.  It  produced  the  Declaration  of 
Independence  and  afterward  entertained  the  British 
army  in  Philadelphia  for  a  year,  sending  it  forth  at 
last  too  fat  to  fight.  It  was  invaded  by  the  Confeder- 
ates in  1863  and  the  Progressives  captured  it  in  1912. 

Pennsylvania  contains  many  splendid  and  refined 
people,  and  English  is  spoken  fluently  in  many  parts  of 
the  State.  It  lights  and  heats  the  nation,  provides  it 
with  railroads,  light  reading,  correspondence  courses, 
and  Progressive  electoral  votes,  and  is  a  thoroughly 
useful  commonwealth.  It  is  growing  rapidly  and  will 
soon  be  as  large  as  the  Pennsylvania  railroad. 


STATES  29 


INDIANA 

PROVIDER    OF    VICE-PRESIDENTS 

INDIANA  is  generally  located  just  west  of  the 
Presidency  and  also  southeast  of  Chicago  and 
twenty-four  hours  by  mail  from  the  prominent 
publishing-houses  of  the  United  States.  It  has 
2,700,000  people  who  are  so  equally  divided  politically 
that  the  birth  of  twins  in  a  Republican  family  has  an 
effect  on  the  betting  odds  twenty-one  years  later.  In- 
diana has  vibrated  between  Republicanism  and  Democ- 
racy with  great  intelligence  and  foresight,  having  only 
guessed  wrong,  nationally,  once  in  its  history.  Its 
chief  products  are  Vice-Presidents  and  best  sellers. 

Indiana  abuts  on  Lake  Michigan  and  is  rapidly  cov- 
ering its  sand  dunes  in  the  north  with  factories  which 
have  escaped  from  Chicago,  to  the  immense  disgust  of 
the  latter.  South  of  this  is  the  natural  gas  belt,  which 
was  first  discovered  because  of  the  immense  output  of 
statesmen  in  this  vicinity.  A  stratum  of  authors  lies 
south  of  the  natural  gas  belt,  while  a  thick  deposit  of 
colleges  covers  the  western  border  of  the  State.  South 
of  the  author  belt  is  ancient  Indiana,  which  was  settled 
first,  but  is  now  given  over  largely  to  the  production 
of  quaint  characters  for  fiction,  being  unexcelled  for 
this  purpose. 

Indiana  people  are  intensely  loyal  to  their  State, 
and  are  bound  together  by  common  ties,  chiefly  inter- 
urban  ties.  It  is  possible  to  catch  a  9  A.  M.  car  to  In- 
dianapolis from  almost  any  Indiana  town  and  to  return 


30          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

before  evening,  and  almost  everybody  does  it.  Indi- 
ana people  have  supported  each  other  for  office  so 
vigorously  that  the  State's  production  of  public  men 
is  second  only  to  Ohio,  and  it  has  supported  its  authors 
so  courageously  that  the  Congressional  Library  at 
Washington  has  been  compelled  to  rent  a  large  barn  as 
an  annex  to  its  Indiana  department.  Riley,  Ade, 
Tarkington,  McCutcheon,  Eggleston,  Wallace,  Nichol- 
son, Major,  Thompson,  Mrs.  Porter  and  Kin  Hubbard 
are  the  products  of  which  Indiana  is  the  fondest,  and 
the  State  firmly  believes  that  if  Shakespeare  had  lived 
near  an  Indiana  college  he  might  have  been  a  great 
author,  too. 

Indiana  people  helped  free  the  colonies  and  the  ne- 
groes with  exceptional  bravery  and  are  now  discussing 
the  personal  liberty  question  with  everything  from 
brickbats  to  injunctions.  The  State  is  not  growing 
very  fast,  but  when  its  various  annexes  to  Chicago  arid 
Pittsburg  are  completed  and  in  full  blast,  it  will  boom 
once  more  and  will  cover  the  swamps  of  the  northeast 
section  with  colleges  and  Carnegie  libraries. 


STATES  31 


MISSOURI 

THE    OLD-FASHIONED    STATE 

MISSOURI,  the  patriarch  of  States  west  of  the 
Mississippi,  is  a  big  State  with  real  bound- 
ary lines.  When  you  get  out  of  it  you  can 
notice  the  difference  without  looking  at  the  map.  It 
has  temperament,  history,  pride  and  a  sense  of  humor. 
Missouri  people  get  more  fun  out  of  talking  about 
Missouri  than  they  do  by  going  to  comic  opera.  Mis- 
souri is  one  of  our  national  pleasantries,  and  helps 
make  life  happier  in  this  commercial  and  busy  nation. 
Missouri  is  a  plain,  downright,  old-fashioned  State 
and  proud  of  it.  It  has  3,300,000  people,  divided  into 
two  classes  —  those  who  call  the  State  "  Mizzoury  " 
and  love  it  and  those  who  call  it  "  Missoura  "  and  wish 
it  had  more  society  and  less  mules.  It  is  the  seventh 
State  in  population,  the  third  in  corn,  ninth  in  rail- 
roads, sixth  in  number  of  school  children,  first  in  mules 
and  last  in  credulity.  Owing  to  the  passion  which  Mis- 
sourians  have  for  "  being  shown "  and  for  showing 
each  other  up,  politics  in  the  State  has  been  an  earnest 
and  wakeful  operation  for  the  last  seventy  years. 

Missouri  is  modern  at  the  eastern  end  in  St.  Louis, 
and  at  its  western  end  in  Kansas  City.  It  is  also  being 
modernized  in  the  legislature  at  Jefferson  City,  the 
capital.  It  is  historic  along  the  Mississippi,  with  a 
French  accent,  unreconstructed  in  Clay  County,  and 
primitive  in  the  Ozarks,  where  the  locomotive  is  less  fa- 
miliar to  the  children  than  the  Mastodon.  It  is 


32          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

divided  into  two  varying  parts  by  the  restless  Missouri 
River,  and  by  the  local  option  fight.  It  has  produced 
Mark  Twain,  the  James  boys,  Joseph  Folk,  Adolphus 
Busch,  the  science  of  osteopathy  and  the  road  drag. 
Missouri  is  so  backward  that  ante-bellum  picnics  are 
still  held  in  some  parts  and  is  so  advanced  that  when 
an  octopus  reaches  a  tentacle  across  the  State  line, 
said  tentacle  is  cut  off  and  hung  up  in  the  Statehouse  as 
a  trophy. 

Missouri  was  settled  150  years  ago,  but  has  re- 
mained unsettled  ever  since.  It  fought  itself  vigor- 
ously in  the  Civil  War,  and  has  been  revolving  polit- 
ically of  late  with  extreme  rapidity.  It  was  once  the 
fifth  State  in  population  in  the  Union,  but  has  been 
passed  by  Massachusetts  and  Texas,  owing  to  the  vast 
number  of  Missourians  who  have  strayed  across  the 
State  line  at  Kansas  City  and  St.  Louis  and  have  set- 
tled on  suburban  but  alien  soil.  However,  one  Mis- 
souri man  can  create  as  much  interest  and  excitement 
as  two  ordinary  men  and  the  State  will  never  be  unim- 
portant. 


STATES  33 


MASSACHUSETTS 

THE    LARGEST    STATE    FOR    ITS    SIZE 

MASSACHUSETTS    is    the    Roosevelt    of    the 
States.     It  is  the  best  advertised  of  all  our 
commonwealths  and  is  continually  in  the  spot- 
light for  one  reason  or  another.     It  contained  the  Pil- 
grim Fathers,  the  Salem  witches  and  Brook  farm.     It 
started  the  Revolution  and  the  abolition  movement  and 
seethed  with  great  men  for  two  centuries,  though  just 
at  present  its  tombstones  are  more  illustrious  than  its 
representatives  in  "  Who's  Who." 

Massachusetts  also  contains  Harvard  University, 
the  Hoosac  tunnel,  the  Bunker  Hill  Monument,  Thos. 
W.  Lawson  and  Boston,  with  the  accent  —  and  be  care- 
ful about  it,  please  —  on  the  latter.  It  is,  in  fact,  the 
biggest  little  State  in  the  Union.  In  the  beginning  it 
chose  a  name  five  sizes  too  large  for  it,  but  has  man- 
aged to  live  up  to  it  and  then  some.  It  only  contains 
8,000  square  miles,  or  slightly  more  than  a  Texas  cat- 
tle ranch.  But  3,300,000  people  live  on  this  patch  of 
ground  and  there  are  few  localities  in  the  State  lonely 
enough  for  a  man  to  practice  on  the  cornet  without 
being  a  public  nuisance. 

Massachusetts  was  settled  in  1620  by  the  Pilgrim 
Fathers.  The  Fathers  were  not  proud,  but  their  de- 
scendants have  made  up  for  this.  The  State  devoted 
its  first  100  years  to  grubbing  the  rocks,  trees  and  In- 
dians from  the  soil,  its  next  century  to  producing  patri- 
ots and  statesmen  and  the  succeeding  fifty  years  to 


34          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

producing1  poets  and  philosophers.  Since  then,  Massa- 
chusetts has  contented  itself  with  producing  cot- 
ton, woolen,  and  shoe  mills.  These  are  managed  by 
foreigners  who  now  live  in  the  State  in  such  vast  quan- 
tities that  cities  like  Lowell  and  Lynn  and  Fall  River 
have  American  Consuls  and  New  England  clubs. 

Massachusetts  abounds  in  factories,  good  roads,  trol- 
ley cars,  historical  societies,  Congregational  churches 
and  superfluous  "  r's."  The  New  Englander  carries 
a  pepper  pot  full  of  extra  "  r's  "  and  sprinkles  his  con- 
versation with  them  with  great  industry.  He  is  also 
inveterately  hostile  to  the  final  "  g."  Massachusetts 
has  always  wanted  its  dialect  adopted  as  the  official 
language  of  the  United  States,  but  this  cannot  be  be- 
cause it  takes  a  man  four  generations  to  learn  it. 

Massachusetts  has  many  large  cities,  which  are  con- 
tinually spoiling  beautiful  farming  country  by  sprawl- 
ing out  over  it.  Boston  is  the  metropolis  of  the  State. 
It  is  a  large,  irregular  congestion  at  the  eastern  end 
with  a  fine  reputation  for  learning  and  an  exciting 
history,  having  been  captured  by  the  British  in  1774, 
by  the  Americans  in  1775  and  by  the  Irish  a  few  years 
ago. 

Massachusetts  produces  Presidents,  pugilists  and 
champion  baseball  teams  with  equal  facility.  It  is 
proud  of  itself  and  doesn't  care  who  knows  it.  Others 
may  praise  Massachusetts,  but  it  is  a  waste  of  time, 
because  Massachusetts  is  too  busy  praising  itself  to 
hear  them. 


STATES  35 


THE  STATE  OF  MAINE 

THE    EIGHT    BOWER 

THE  State  of  Maine  is  an  irregular  knob  on  the 
northeast    corner    of   the    map    of    the   United 
States.     It   is    surrounded   by   Canada    on   the 
north  and  east,  the  Atlantic  Ocean  on  the  south  and 
the  Boston  &  Maine  railroad  on  the  west,  so  escape  is 
almost  impossible. 

Maine  is  a  rough,  rugged  country  full  of  rough,  rug- 
ged names  such  as  "  Androscoggin,"  "  Aroostock," 
"  Damariscotta,"  and  "  Molechunkemunk."  It  has 
been  settled  for  about  250  years,  but  in  spite  of  this, 
very  few  Maine  farms  have  been  entirely  un-bowldered 
as  yet.  The  first  crop  off  of  the  Maine  farm  is  a  stone 
house,  and  the  next  few  crops  are  stone  barns,  stone 
fences,  stone  well  curbs,  stone  sheep  houses,  and  stone 
walks.  The  stone  boat  is  a  familiar  and  useful  craft 
throughout  the  State  and  has  hauled  enough  rocks  off 
of  Maine  farms  in  the  last  century  to  hide  the  pyra- 
mids under  billions  of  tons  of  glacial  drift. 

The  climate  of  Maine  is  dry  by  a  very  small  major- 
ity and  is  automatically  refrigerated  throughout  the 
greater  part  of  the  year.  It  gets  through  snowing  in 
Maine  in  the  spring,  just  in  time  to  cloud  up  and  pre- 
pare for  the  first  fall  flurry.  The  population  of  the 
State  is  about  750,000  people,  most  of  whom  are  hud- 
dled together  in  the  extreme  southern  section  for 
warmth's  sake.  Owing  to  the  climate,  it  is  hard  to 
raise  much  of  anything  in  Maine  except  hotel  prices. 


36          SIZING    UP    UNCLE   SAM 

The  seacoast  of  Maine  resembles  a  piece  of  Battenberg 
lace  and  is  profusely  speckled  with  summer  hotels.  In 
the  spring  the  Maine  hotel-keeper  takes  a  room,  which 
would  rent  for  $1.25  a  month  during  the  winter,  and 
by  judiciously  mixing  it  with  climate,  manages  to  raise 
the  price  to  $7.00  a  day  by  July. 

Besides  hotel  prices,  Maine  raises  hay,  potatoes,  pine 
trees,  and  statesmen.  The  entire  north  end  of  the 
State  is  a  shaggy  growth  of  timber.  This  section, 
however,  is  being  rapidly  barbered  by  the  lumber  in- 
terests. Maine  statesmen  are  of  the  finest  brand  and 
when  a  Maine  man  goes  to  Congress  he  usually  remains 
there  until  death  doth  him  part.  The  climate  of  his 
home  State  undoubtedly  accounts  for  the  tenacity  with 
which  the  Maine  statesman  clings  to  Washington. 

For  many  years  Maine  was  one  of  the  vested  inter- 
ests of  the  Republican  Party,  but  it  recently  went 
Democratic  with  some  emphasis  and  nowadays  when  the 
old-fashioned  Maine  farmer  gets  out  in  the  morning,  he 
looks  over  to  the  West  to  see  if  the  sun  has  changed  its 
habits  too. 


STATES  37 


FLORIDA 

THE    SOUTHEAST    BOWER 

FLORIDA  is  a  vast  expanse  of  water,  sand  and  cli- 
mate, which  sticks  out  about  400  miles  into  the 
ocean  at  the  southeast  corner  of  the  nation,  and  is 
as  hard  to  dodge  as  a  sore  thumb.  For  many  years  it 
was  the  vermiform  appendix  of  the  United  States.  No 
particular  use  for  it  was  known,  and  the  Seminole  In- 
dians kept  it  in  a  constant  state  of  inflammation.  It 
is  now  being  extensively  cultivated,  however,  and  is 
growing  faster  than  any  other  Southern  State,  though 
goodness  knows  it  needs  to,  having  only  750,000  souls 
and  a  few  thousand  hotel-keepers. 

Florida  was  discovered  by  Ponce  de  Leon  almost  400 
years  ago  and  immediately  became  famous  for  its  won- 
derful climate.  Ever  since  then  people  have  been  going 
to  Florida  to  enjoy  the  climate  and  coming  back  to  en- 
joy society.  This  shows  Florida's  simplicity.  In 
California  the  man  who  arrives  to  enjoy  the  climate  is 
treated  so  hospitably  that  he  never  saves  money  enough 
to  come  back. 

However,  in  the  past  few  years  a  few  great  hotels 
have  been  built  in  Florida,  and  it  is  now  possible  to  go 
down  there  swelled  all  out  of  shape  with  money  and  be 
successfully  treated  for  the  affliction  in  a  very  few 
weeks. 

Florida  is  divided  equally  into  timber,  swamps  and 
orange  groves.  It  contains  the  Everglades,  the  great- 
est swamp  in  America.  It  is  so  large  that  the  Agri- 


38          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

cultural  department  almost  got  mired  in  it  recently. 
It  also  contains  the  only  sea-going  railroad  in  the 
world,  running  to  Key  West  over  100  miles  of  water  and 
keys.  The  Florida  key  is  a  peculiar  one  made  out  of 
coral,  and  is  almost  as  big  as  an  old-fashioned  New 
England  house  key. 

Florida  ships  oranges,  grapefruit,  alligators  and  ci- 
gars to  the  world.  If  it  were  not  for  Florida,  mankind 
would  be  able  to  swear  off  smoking.  In  fact,  this 
would  be  almost  necessary.  Florida  also  contains  the 
oldest  city  in  the  United  States  —  St.  Augustine  — 
which  is  one  of  the  celebrated  sleeping  beauties.  The 
metropolis  of  the  State  is  Jacksonville,  which  has  grown 
out  of  general  stores  into  skyscrapers  in  the  last  ten 
years.  The  capital  is  Tallahassee,  of  which  no  more  is 
known. 

Florida  is  now  very  prosperous.  Buying  Florida 
land  is  a  national  diversion  and  selling  Florida  land  is 
one  of  the  surest  roads  to  wealth. 


CITIES 

American  cities  are  the  most  colossal  in- 
fants on  the  globe.  Few  of  them  are  old 
enough  to  stop  growing  and  none  old  enough 
to  keep  their  faces  clean. 

American  cities  are  alike  in  their  ambition 
1 — which  is  to  gain  100  per  cent,  in  popula- 
tion by  the  next  census ;  in  their  pride  which  is 
in  their  big  new  skyscraper ;  in  their  billboards 
which  advertise  the  same  plays,  cigarettes  and 
breakfast  foods;  in  their  emotions  which  oc- 
cur from  3  to  5  P.  M.  during  the  baseball 
season;  and  in  their  government  in  which 
grave  scandal  has  recently  been  disclosed. 
They  lead  the  world  in  their  progress,  amaze 
it  with  their  energy,  inspire  it  with  their 
ideals  and  shock  it  with  their  looks. 

Anything  which  can  be  said  about  Ameri- 
can cities  to-day  is  out  of  date  to-morrow 
and  this  refers  particularly  to  government 
and  appearance. 


CITIES  41 


NEW  ORLEANS 

NEW  ORLEANS  is  a  foreign  city  which  was  left 
behind  when  the  French  and  Spanish  evacuated 
America  and  which  remained  in  a  petrified  and 
most  attractive  state  until  the  wave  of  modern  prog- 
ress rolled  over  it  a  few  years  ago. 

New  Orleans  is  the  metropolis  of  the  South  and  has 
been  owned  by  five  nations  since  it  was  founded  some- 
thing over  200  years  ago.  The  French  and  Spanish 
fought  for  it,  the  English  captured  it,  the  Americans 
bought  it  and  the  Confederate  States  gave  it  up  to  the 
United  States  fifty  years  ago.  Of  late  the  city  has 
been  absorbing  Americanism  rapidly,  having  adopted 
skyscrapers,  ward  politics,  baseball  and  department 
stores  with  great  enthusiasm. 

New  Orleans  lies  on  the  broad  flat  Louisiana  low- 
lands, a  few  feet  below  the  Mississippi  River,  which 
flows  past  its  front  door  and  has  to  be  kept  out  of  the 
city  by  means  of  levees  which  are  so  tall  that  no  one 
who  is  not  a  good  climber  can  fall  into  the  river.  Its 
low  situation  has  complicated  life  in  New  Orleans  and 
has  caused  the  elevated  cisterns  and  tombs  for  which 
the  city  is  famous.  It  is  possible  to  tell  the  wealth  of 
a  New  Orleans  citizen  by  the  number  of  cisterns  he  has 
piled  one  above  the  other  in  his  back  yard,  and  a  man 
with  a  four-story  cistern  is  regarded  with  awe.  New 
Orleans  citizens  are  not  extravagant  while  living,  but 
are  rather  ostentatious  when  dead.  A  New  Orleans 
man  will  live  contentedly  for  seventy  years  in  an  un- 


42          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

painted  frame  dwelling  in  order  to  save  up  money  for  a 
magnificent  two-story  tomb  in  Metaire  Cemetery. 

New  Orleans  is  the  center  of  Southern  wealth,  fash- 
ion, industry  and  commerce,  and  has  its  own  individual 
steamship  lines  to  Europe  and  South  America.  It  is  a 
substantially  built  city  whose  old  streets  are  a  forest 
of  green  iron  work  porches,  and  whose  street  cars  will 
not  only  take  a  man  out  to  the  suburbs,  but  will  retrieve 
him  for  the  same  nickel.  It  is  divided  into  To-day  and 
Yesterday  by  Canal  Street,  which  is  so  wide  that  four 
car  tracks  and  an  automobile  race  on  either  side  are 
accommodated.  On  one  side  of  Canal  Street  English 
is  spoken  fluently,  while  on  the  other  side  the  inhabit- 
ants still  talk  with  their  shoulders  and  eyebrows,  and 
the  scattered  remnants  of  an  eighteenth  century  French 
aristocracy  still  maintain  a  French  opera  house  and  a 
little  cemetery  so  exclusive  that  the  only  way  to  get  into 
it  is  to  edge  in  beside  the  bones  of  a  great-great-grand- 
parent. 

The  climate  of  New  Orleans  is  fine  in  March.  The 
city  has  350,000  people  and  is  waiting  for  the  Panama 
Canal  with  the  eagerness  of  a  place  which  is  tired  of 
history  and  tourists  and  wants  to  dabble  in  corner  lots 
and  building  records  for  a  change. 


CITIES  43 


PITTSBURG 

PITTSBURG  is  a  coal-black  metropolis,  with 
flame  trimmings,  and  inhabited  by  joy-riders  on 
the  steel  tariff. 

Over  500,000  people  live  in  Pittsburg  and  several 
hundred  millionaires,  scattered  around  the  world,  live 
on  it.  Pittsburg  makes  most  of  the  steel  for  the  uni- 
verse and  has  steel  mills  instead  of  cabbage  patches  for 
suburbs.  Ten  shiploads  of  iron  ore  are  mixed  with  ten 
trainloads  of  coal  every  day  and  the  result  is  a  ring  of 
permanent  volcanoes  around  the  city.  When  these  are 
in  full  blast  they  form  a  Great  Red  Way,  of  which 
Pittsburg  is  much  prouder  than  New  York  is  of  her 
Gay  White  Way.  As  a  matter  of  fact  Pittsburgh  Red 
Way  is  largely  responsible  for  New  York's  White  Way. 
A  millionaire  fully  equipped  is  turned  out  of  her  steel 
mills  every  time  the  sun  sets  and  a  Pittsburg  millionaire 
gets  into  trouble  in  New  York  every  time  the  sun  rises. 
Pittsburg  is  located  in  the  western  part  of  Pennsyl- 
vania, where  the  Allegheny  and  Monongahela  Rivers 
join  and  boil  their  combined  names  down  into  the  Ohio. 
Originally  Pittsburg  had  an  annex  called  Allegheny 
City,  which  was  a  desert  of  front  doors,  without  a  post- 
office,  railroad  station  or  theater.  But  it  followed  the 
example  of  its  steel  trust  and  benevolently  assimilated 
its  rival,  thus  becoming  the  eighth  city  in  size  in  the 
country.  It  climbs  the  steep  hills  from  the  river  banks 
in  all  directions  and  has  made  their  summits  bristle  with 
twenty-story  buildings.  It  is  well  built  but  poorly  ven- 


44          SIZING   UP    UNCLE    SAM 

tilated,  and  on  damp,  cloudy  days  looks  like  the  inside 
of  a  cistern  with  the  lid  on. 

Pittsburg  people  have  two  recreations  —  winning 
baseball  pennants  and  founding  banks.  It  has  more 
banks  than  any  city  in  the  world.  A  Pittsburg  man  who 
isn't  a  bank  director  is  as  lonely  as  a  Boston  man  whose 
great-great-great-grandfather  isn't  buried  in  the  old 
Granery  cemetery.  There  are  100  banks  in  Pittsburg, 
and  they  have  driven  the  drug  stores  and  saloons  off  of 
all  the  good  corners  in  the  town. 

Andrew  Carnegie  and  Hans  Wagner  are  Pittsburgh 
two  greatest  citizens,  and  are  very  kind  to  their  home 
town.  Carnegie  is  always  building  a  technical  school 
or  a  library  or  a  music  hall,  and  Wagner  is  continually 
publishing  a  home  run  just  in  time  to  wallop  the  Chi- 
cago team. 

Pittsburg  is  one  of  the  few  walled  towns  in  America. 
It  is  strongly  garrisoned  by  the  Pennsylvania  railroad, 
which  has  repelled  with  great  slaughter  all  attempts  by 
rival  railroads  to  enter  the  city. 


CITIES  45 


CHICAGO 

CHICAGO  is  one  of  the  greatest  feats  ever  per- 
formed by  the  human  race.     It  is  only  seventy- 
five  years  old,  and  yet  it  is  the  fifth  city  in  the 
world  in  size,  and  leads  the  world  in  lung  development. 
In  1837,  Chicago  consisted  of  a  drug  store,  a  main 
street,  and  ninety-nine  signs,  advertising  malaria  reme- 
dies.    To-day  it  has   2,250,000  inhabitants,   and  the 
city  of  seventy-five  years  ago  could  be  successfully  lost 
in  the  largest  of  its  six  union  depots. 

Chicago  was  founded  in  the  swamp  on  the  shores  of 
Lake  Michigan  by  a  lot  of  thirty-third  degree  hustlers. 
There  was  no  excuse  for  the  city,  but  this  didn't  bother 
its  founders.  First  they  manufactured  the  Chicago 
River  out  of  a  muddy  little  creek.  Then  they  built 
railroads,  and  encouraged  people  to  build  towns  along 
the  railroads,  and  thus  provide  a  reason  for  their  ex- 
istence. Later  on,  to  save  time  lost  by  chills  and  fever, 
they  boosted  the  entire  city  fifteen  feet  into  the  air, 
the  greatest  feat  of  second-story  work  in  history. 
Then  they  turned  the  Chicago  River  around  and  made 
it  run  backward  in  order  to  get  rid  of  their  sewerage. 
Finally,  because  the  Illinois  Central  Railroad  would 
not  get  off  the  lake  shore,  they  moved  the  lake  shore 
away  from  it.  They  are  now  busy  revising  the  climate, 
and  if  they  ever  have  any  trouble  with  their  electric 
light  companies,  they  will  probably  put  a  new  sun  on 
the  night  shift.  The  only  way  to  get  ahead  of  a  Chi- 
cagoan  is  to  get  busy  and  finish  up  before  he  is  born. 


46          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

Chicago  was  burned  in  1871,  with  a  loss  of  $200,- 
000,000,  but  business  was  only  slightly  interfered  with 
for  a  few  days.  The  city  captured  the  packing  busi- 
ness of  the  country  by  loading  hogs  in  an  endless  rail- 
way and  butchering  them  at  a  speed  of  thirty  miles  an 
hour.  It  invented  the  skyscraper  in  order  to  save  the 
trouble  of  building  thick  stone  walls,  and  it  spent  $50,- 
000,000  in  advertising  by  building  a  World's  Fair 
twenty  years  ago.  It  has  put  1,000  miles  of  its  rail- 
ways on  stilts  to  save  wear  and  tear  on  its  citizens,  and 
in  the  late  eighties,  when  business  was  dull,  it  went  out 
and  annexed  twenty-five  towns,  four  townships,  two 
rivers,  three  lakes,  a  sleeping  car  trust,  four  primeval 
forests  and  a  cattle  ranch.  It  is  now  putting  its  coal 
wagons  and  drays  underground,  is  pushing  the  lake 
back  an  additional  half  mile,  and  is  making  grand  opera 
pay  dividends. 

Chicago  has  thirty-three  railroads  and  every  one  of 
them  ends  in  the  city.  Five  hundred  passenger  trains 
a  day  enter  the  city,  and  in  each  one  of  them  the  por- 
ter announces,  "  Chicago ;  all  out."  Most  of  these 
passengers  give  up  trying  to  find  the  station  to  which 
which  they  must  transfer,  and  become  permanent  resi- 
dents. Chicago  has  a  $30,000,000  University,  an  hon- 
estly built  city  hall,  a  store  so  large  that  it  furnishes 
guides  for  its  customers,  and  a  baseball  team  that  has 
won  eleven  pennants.  The  city  is  dirty,  but  no  dirtier 
than  any  infant.  It  is  very  healthy,  except  to  cattle 
and  hogs.  The  favorite  diversions  of  Chicago  men  are 
looping  the  loop,  taking  political  conventions  away 
from  New  York,  showing  visitors  through  the  stock 
yards,  and  leaving  a  million  to  some  Chicago  institu- 
tion. 


CITIES  47 


LOS  ANGELES 

LOS  ANGELES  began  business  quite  modestly  a 
generation  ago  with  a  few  houses  and  a  full 
stock  of  fancy  climate,  which  it  has  since  been  re- 
tailing to  tourists  and  retired  business  men  at  the  high- 
est market  prices.  The  city  owes  its  great  success  to 
the  fact  that  it  has  over  100,000  traveling  representa- 
tives constantly  advertising  its  wares.  During  the 
winter  most  of  the  citizens  of  the  mid-west,  who  have 
made  money  enough  to  flee  from  the  furnace  room  and 
coal  bill,  journey  to  Los  Angeles  and  spend  the  winter 
sitting  under  orange  trees  and  writing  letters  back  to 
the  shivering  East.  In  the  spring,  they  go  back  home 
and  talk  climate.  In  this  way  they  have  worked  up  so 
much  business  for  Los  Angeles  that  the  city  has  grown 
from  100,000  to  325,000  people  in  ten  years ;  and  they 
pay  Los  Angeles  for  doing  it.  The  highest  type  of  ad- 
vertising is  always  the  kind  for  which  the  advertiser 
gets  paid  himself. 

Los  Angeles  is  situated  in  a  desert  which  can  be  read- 
ily transformed  into  fruit  orchards  and  Italian  gar- 
dens, by  means  of  a  hose  and  a  pump.  It  is  composed 
in  equal  parts  of  people  who  are  spending  money  and 
of  people  who  are  helping  them  spend  it.  This  helps 
business  immensely  and  keeps  everyone  so  happy  that 
the  only  way  to  make  a  Los  Angel  stop  talking  about 
his  city  is  to  shift  the  subject  to  fleas. 

The  Los  Angeles  climate  is  so  salubrious  that  inva- 
lids who  go  out  there  with  fractional  lungs  come  back 


48          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

home  and  out-talk  strong  men  on  the  subject  of  Cali- 
fornia. It  is  a  dry,  sunny  climate  conducive  to  the 
raising  of  lemons,  oranges,  prunes,  hotel  prices  and 
dust.  One  can  go  without  an  overcoat  all  day  through- 
out the  winter  in  Los  Angeles  and  sometimes  during 
summer  evenings.  This  climate  has  benefited  everyone 
who  has  tried  it  with  the  exception  of  the  McNamara 
brothers,  and  if  the  city  were  not  at  the  far  end  of  a 
$75  railroad  fare  it  would  now  have  several  million  in- 
habitants. 

Los  Angeles  is  full  of  hustle,  happiness  and  big  ideas. 
It  has  the  largest  interurban  system  in  the  world  and 
builds  skyscrapers  more  industriously  than  any  other 
city,  except  Chicago  and  New  York.  It  is  piping  its 
drinking  water  several  hundred  miles  and  has  recently 
annexed  an  ocean  harbor,  a  mountain  and  a  small  des- 
ert. It  can  be  reached  by  taking  a  train  de  luxe,  fitted 
with  Turkish  baths,  libraries,  music  rooms,  gymnasi- 
ums, conservatories  and  rathskellers,  and  getting  off 
when  the  smell  of  oranges  gets  thick  enough  to  eat. 

Los  Angeles  has  more  beautiful  homes  than  any  other 
city  of  its  size,  and  welcomes  all  the  world  to  come  out 
and  squat  on  the  shining  sands  in  the  outskirts.  Resi- 
dents are  admitted  to  citizenship  as  soon  as  they  can 
say  "  Lohs  Anghlais "  fluently,  and  everyone  over 
twenty-one  years  of  age,  skirted  or  panted,  is  allowed 
one  vote  at  each  election.  And  Los  Angeles  elections 
are  more  interesting  than  New  Haven  football  games. 


CITIES  49 


NEW  YORK  CITY 

NEW  YORK  CITY  is  the  biggest  city  in  the  world, 
not  because  it  has  the  most  people  but  because  it 
does  the  biggest  things. 

New  York  has  only  a  paltry  5,000,000  people  in- 
cluding millionaires  not  taxed  while  London  has  8,000,- 
000  who  live  near  enough  to  it  to  be  annoyed  by  motor 
omnibuses.  But  New  York  makes  London  look  like  a 
collection  of  Dutch  ovens.  New  York  contains  the 
tallest  buildings  in  the  world,  the  greatest  bridges  in 
the  world,  the  largest  railroad  station  in  the  world,  the 
greatest  commerce,  the  most  terrific  hotels,  the  loudest 
subways,  the  most  prominent  baseball  team,  the  great- 
est financiers  and  the  most  princely  grafters  on  this 
planet  or  any  other  so  far  as  known. 

New  York,  in  fact,  is  so  big  that  many  a  small  man 
has  swelled  up  until  he  burst  while  trying  to  fit  it. 
New  York  was  founded  on  Manhattan  Island  almost 
300  years  ago  but  has  now  spread  out  over  the  country 
like  a  heavy  rash  until  flat  buildings  are  being  built  as 
far  north  as  Yonkers  and  as  far  up  as  the  third  Satel- 
lite of  Jupiter.  The  city  takes  the  raw  immigrants 
from  Europe  and  works  them  up  into  census  statistics 
and  garment  workers  at  the  rate  of  200,000  a  year. 
It  also  takes  young  geniuses  of  all  kinds  from  the  West 
and  dooms  them  to  a  life  of  poverty  at  $15,000  a  year 
on  the  nineteenth  floor  of  an  apartment  house.  It 
leads  the  nation  in  finance,  commerce,  manufactures, 
skyscrapers,  reactionaries,  drama,  dress  suits,  hotel 


50          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

prices,  automobiles  and  press  agents.  One  reason  why 
New  York  has  become  so  famous  is  the  fact  that  her 
writers  would  rather  advertise  her  free  of  charge  than* 
get  $1,000  a  week  for.  exploring  Chicago  and  other  sec- 
tions of  the  wild  interior. 

New  York  is  famous  for  its  $15,000,000  private  resi- 
dences and  also  for  its  skill  in  stuffing  5,000  people  into 
a  single  block  on  the  East  Side.  It  has  produced  Theo- 
dore Roosevelt,  J.  P.  Morgan  and  George  M.  Cohan, 
but  only  worships  the  last  two.  It  is  the  richest  city 
in  the  world  and  doesn't  give  a  whoop  who  knows  it. 
It  is  connected  with  the  rest  of  the  nation  by  six  tun- 
nels and  a  few  congressmen  and  with  Europe  by  twenty 
steamship  lines  and  150  fathers-in-law  of  titles. 

The  most  celebrated  sights  in  New  York  are  Wall 
Street,  Broadway,  the  fifty-story  office  buildings,  Cen- 
tral Park,  the  East  River  Bridges,  the  Statue  of  Lib- 
erty, the  Pennsylvania  Station,  China-town,  the  Hun- 
garian restaurants,  the  Jewish  quarter,  little  Italy,  the 
Irish  consulate  at  the  city  hall,  the  Viennese  operas,  the 
English  clothes  on  Fifth  Avenue,  the  old  Dutch  aris- 
tocracy, the  African  prizefighters,  the  Turkish  batns 
and  an  American  alderman  on  Long  Island. 

One  could  easily  spend  a  month  seeing  sights  in  New 
York  but  owing  to  the  far  greater  ease  with  which  one 
can  spend  everything  else  he  has  most  people  come  home 
at  the  end  of  a  week  in  the  day  coach. 


CITIES  51 


SEATTLE 

SEATTLE  is  a  contagion  which  is  spreading  rap- 
idly over  the  shores  of  Puget  Sound  and  has  so 
far  permanently  affected  237,000  people.  It 
covers  110  square  miles  and  is  called  a  city  by  its  in- 
habitants and  a  forest  reservation  by  Tacoma  and  other 
jealous  rivals. 

Seattle  stands  on  the  salt  shores  of  Puget  Sound  at 
an  average  angle  of  forty  degrees,  it  being  necessary 
in  spots  for  the  intrepid  Seattler  to  use  an  Alpine  stock 
while  chasing  the  mountain  goats  off  of  his  mansard 
garden.  A  man  named  Thompson  has  been  changing 
all  this  by  washing  the  hills  out  from  under  the  busi- 
ness section  and  then  lowering  the  buildings  to  earth  by 
means  of  parachutes.  Because  of  this,  Seattle  is  the 
only  city  in  the  world  which  has  a  skyline  that  is  going 
down  and  the  old  resident  who  comes  back  after  a  few 
years'  absence  has  to  take  a  balloon  to  find  the  spots 
where  he  played  in  his  childhood.  Thanks  to  Mr. 
Thompson,  a  good  many  Seattle  cellars  are  now  twenty 
stories  above  the  street,  but  the  business  thoroughfares 
are  now  fairly  level  and  the  citizen  who  slips  on  a  ba- 
nana peel  while  going  to  his  bank  does  not  have  to  take 
an  elevator  back  to  pick  up  his  hat. 

Seattle  was  founded  in  1852,  but  owing  to  the  damp 
climate  and  the  scarcity  of  settlers  equipped  with  both 
lungs  and  gills,  it  grew  very  slowly  and  only  acquired 
a  population  of  150  in  the  first  ten  years.  Up  to 
twenty  years  ago,  it  was  a  vast  wooden  town  which  was 


52          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

extended  by  the  simple  process  of  cutting  down  a  pine 
tree  and  building  a  house  out  of  it.  Then  the  Klon- 
dike was  discovered  and  every  prospector  who  went 
north  spent  what  he  had  in  Seattle  on  leaving  and  what 
he  had  found  on  returning.  Seattle  then  grew  to  80,- 
000  people  with  huge  awkward  jumps  and  has  soared 
into  the  big  city  class  during  the  last  ten  years  with  a 
rapidity  which  makes  Chicago's  early  growth  seem 
timid  and  conservative. 

Seattle  is  a  modern  municipality  with  all  the  latest 
improvements  in  government,  including  a  mayor  with  a 
return  string  firmly  attached  to  him  and  women 
equipped  with  the  divine  right  of  suffrage  and  a  fine 
taste  in  clothes.  The  city  has  been  built  in  great  haste 
and  still  has  skyscraper  office  buildings  and  skyscraper 
forest  trees  in  adjoining  wards,  as  well  as  Totem  poles 
on  its  main  street,  and  a  $5,000,000  university  farther 
out.  It  has  a  magnificent  harbor  in  front,  from  which 
Hong  Kong  and  Yokohama  can  be  reached  without 
change,  and  a  splendid  back  drop  called  Mt.  Ranier, 
though  the  man  who  called  it  this  in  Tacoma  would  be 
prejudicing  his  accident  insurance.  The  city  is  grow- 
ing so  fast  that  even  the  most  skillful  San  Franciscan 
finds  it  hard  to  get  haughty  within  its  limits,  and  it  will 
have  400,000  people  in  1920  unless  the  census  is  con- 
ducted by  rank  reactionaries. 


CITIES  53, 


WASHINGTON,  D.  C. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  the  metropolis  of  the 
forty-eight  Washingtons  in  this  country, 
and  the  capital  of  the  United  States,  is  lo- 
cated by  the  Potomac  and  between  Virginia  and  Mary- 
land under  the  thumb  of  Congress.  It  was  built  to  or- 
der in  1800,  and  was  laid  out  by  an  artist  who  filled  it 
full  of  diagonal  avenues  and  little  squares  which  are 
now  infested  with  statues.  Congress  is  forever  punish- 
ing some  statesman  by  erecting  a  statue  of  him  in  a 
public  square  and  the  directory  of  Washington  statues 
is  larger  than  the  telephone  book. 

Washington  has  only  one  object  in  life  which  is  to 
hold  the  government  of  the  United  States.  It  began  in 
a  modest  way  and  was  burned  out  in  1814  by  the  Brit- 
ish, but  has  been  enlarged  from  time  to  time  to  accom- 
modate the  growing  hordes  of  officials  until  it  now  has 
350,000  people.  Washington  contains  600  congress- 
men and  senators  and  thousands  of  other  important  of- 
ficials who  enrich  the  city  by  paying  $25.00  a  week 
board.  Senators  are  so  common  in  Washington  that 
no  church  social  is  a  success  without  half  a  dozen  and 
the  congressman  who  is  so  big  in  his  home  town  that 
they  name  children  after  him  has  to  give  a  cigar  to  a 
Washington  reporter  to  get  his  name  in  the  paper. 

Washington  is  called  the  city  of  magnificent  dis- 
tances. This  is  because  it  is  1,500  miles  from  the  cen- 
ter of  the  country  and  has  until  recently  been  1,000,000 
miles  from  the  people.  It  has  wide  shady  streets  paved 


54          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

with  asphalt  in  the  winter  and  hot  tar  in  the  summer 
and  is  speckled  with  vast  buildings  erected  by  Congress 
for  the  use  of  sightseers.  It  contains  the  Capitol  and 
the  White  House,  Washington's  monument,  which  was 
the  first  American  skyscraper,  a  forty-acre  depot,  a 
fifty-acre  treasury  and  many  other  magnificent  build- 
ings which  have  been  located  with  great  care  just  next  to 
prehistoric  henhouses  or  antebellum  oyster  shops. 
Washington  hops  gayly  from  the  sublime  to  the  ridicu- 
lous and  Pennsylvania  Avenue,  its  greatest  street,  is 
composed  alternately  of  $4,000,000  buildings  and  shoe- 
shining  parlors. 

Washington  is  noted  for  its  society  which  is  illu- 
minated with  gold  braid  and  foreign  dignitaries  and  for 
the  thick  fog  which  covers  it  continually  and  prevents 
the  officials  from  seeing  what  is  going  on  back  in  the 
home  districts.  The  climate  is  beautiful  during  a  few 
days  in  April  but  varies  the  rest  of  the  time  from  sloppy 
to  superheated,  and  many  a  promising  statesman's  ca- 
reer has  been  cut  short  by  getting  his  shoes  full  of 
Washington  weather  in  February.  Washington's  cli- 
mate has  been  the  means  of  producing  hundreds  of  po- 
litical vacancies  and  thus  encouraging  rotation  in  office. 

Washington  has  no  factories  and  if  the  government 
should  pack  up  and  move  away  it  would  soon  wither 
and  die.  It  is,  however,  growing  more  beautiful  each 
year  and  already  causes  the  foreign  visitor  to  speak 
kindly  of  it  until  he  sticks  fast  in  one  of  its  asphalt 
streets  during  a  hot  day. 


CITIES  55 


PHILADELPHIA 

PHILADELPHIA  is  the  largest  village  in  the 
world.  It  is  situated  in  Pennsylvania  on  the 
Delaware  River  and  consists  of  300,000  red  brick 
dwelling  houses  with  marble  steps  which  are  scrubbed 
every  day  by  Philadelphia  women  and  sat  upon  every 
summer  evening  by  Philadelphia  men.  When  a  family 
gets  so  large  that  the  steps  cannot  accommodate  them, 
the  eldest  son  marries  and  starts  to  fill  a  set  of  steps  of 
his  own. 

Philadelphia  is  noted  as  a  city  of  homes  and  regards 
New  York  with  scorn  as  a  city  of  cliff-dwellers. 

Philadelphia  is  two  stories  high  except  in  the  center 
where  it  bulges  terrifically  for  a  few  blocks.  It  contains 
the  greatest  locomotive  works  in  the  world,  the  greatest 
magazine  publishing  house,  the  largest  park  and  the 
best  baseball  team.  Philadelphia  is  supposed  to  be  a 
sleepy  town,  but  if  it  should  ever  wake  up  heaven  help 
the  rest  of  the  world.  It  is  one  of  the  most  versatile 
and  energetic  somnambulists  in  existence. 

Philadelphia  was  founded  in  1681  by  William  Penn, 
and  many  of  the  original  buildings  are  still  actively  in 
business  down  in  the  wholesale  section.  In  1776,  Phila- 
delphia entertained  the  Continental  Congress  and  the 
city  still  contains  Liberty  Hall  and  the  Liberty  Bell, 
having  successfully  defended  it  against  many  city  ad- 
ministrations during  the  last  century.  In  1876,  Phila- 
delphia pulled  off  a  Centennial  exposition  with  great 
success  and  in  1912  it  kicked  out  its  grafters.  Aside 
from  these  events  it  has  rested  quietly. 


56          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

Philadelphia  means  "  City  of  Brotherly  Love  "  and 
is  well  named.  Everyone  loves  his  brother  and  his 
grandfather  and  all  his  cousins  and  miscellaneous  rela- 
tions, but  heaven  help  the  stranger  who  comes  to  Phila- 
delphia. Seventy  years  ago  some  New  York  people 
moved  to  Philadelphia  and  the  natives  are  just  begin- 
ning to  ask  their  grandchildren  how  they  like  their  new 
home. 

Philadelphia  has  about  1,500,000  people  and  is  grow- 
ing quietly  at  the  rate  of  one  square  mile  of  houses  a 
year.  It  is  noted  for  its  society  which  is  quite  simple, 
and  still  prefers  to  live  in  small  houses  around  Ritten- 
house  Square  and  to  go  down  town  after  breakfast  after 
the  mail.  It  is  as  impossible  for  the  outsider  to  get 
into  Philadelphia  society  as  it  seems  to  be  for  a  modern 
Philadelphia  statesman  to  get  into  history. 

Philadelphia  is  surrounded  by  beautiful  suburbs 
which  can  be  viewed  at  the  rate  of  three  cents  a  mile  on 
all  railroads.  It  is  less  than  100  miles  from  New  York 
which  laughs  at  it,  and  is  always  alluding  in  some  new 
manner  to  its  sleepiness.  However,  the  Philadelphian 
now  retorts  that  it  is  never  asleep  around  second  base 
and  this  remark  can  be  guaranteed  to  produce  apoplexy 
in  a  New  York  man  in  five  seconds  or  money  refunded. 


CITIES  57 


SAN  FRANCISCO 

SAN  FRANCISCO  is  the  largest  city  on  the  eastern 
coast  of  the  Pacific  Ocean.  It  is  also  the  ague 
headquarters  of  the  country.  First  it  shakes  and 
then  it  burns  up.  It  has  burned  up  three  times  and 
has  now  taken  the  hint  and  has  kicked  the  grafters  out. 

San  Francisco  is  located  right  side  up  with  care  on 
the  side  of  the  hills  overlooking  San  Francisco  Bay.  It 
was  founded  in  1849  during  the  gold  rush  and  has  had 
an  eventful  career  ever  since.  Said  career  came  to  a 
climax  when  the  city  fell  down  in  1905  and  afterwards 
burned  up  with  a  loss  of  $200,000,000.  Thoughtless 
people  say  that  there  was  an  earthquake,  but  San  Fran- 
ciscans deny  this.  Some  tourists  who  have  been  in  the 
city  in  February  declare  that  the  city  was  only  shiver- 
ing during  a  bit  of  unusually  San  Franciscan  weather, 
while  others  who  have  ridden  down  Jackson  Street  on 
a  cable  car  claim  that  the  city  was  merely  sliding  down 
hill.  Anyway  San  Francisco  is  now  completely  rebuilt 
and  is  planning  to  tempt  Fate  again  with  a  World's 
Fair  in  1915.  It  is  entirely  fearless. 

San  Francisco  has  450,000  people  and  250,000  more 
live  across  the  bay,  where  the  climate  does  not  go 
through  the  vest  so  easily.  It  is  a  proud,  handsome, 
prosperous,  cosmopolitan,  vigorous  and  pungent  city 
with  ways  of  its  own,  and  customs  which  make  Eastern- 
ers blink  and  gasp  for  breath  at  first.  It  produces 
large  crops  of  artists,  musicians,  and  writers,  who  are 
shipped  when  they  are  ripe  to  New  York,  and  it  also 


58          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

produces  peculiar  brands  of  politicians  who  are  shipped 
when  they  are  a  good  deal  over-ripe  to  San  Quentin 
penitentiary.  They  used  to  say  that  the  "  Golden 
Gate,"  which  lets  the  ocean  into  San  Francisco  Bay, 
wasn't  real  gold,  because  no  politician  had  ever  stolen 
it,  but  of  late  San  Francisco  has  tried  the  new,  non- 
adhesive  brand  of  alderman  with  great  success. 

San  Francisco  is  noted  for  its  great  bay,  its  magnifi- 
cent hotels,  its  trained  seals,  the  great  residences  of  the 
early  San  Franciscans  who  became  millionaires  over 
night  and  recovered  almost  as  quickly,  its  fine  parks,  its 
naughty  and  carefree  restaurants  and  its  Chinese  quar- 
ter, which  is  larger  than  any  west  of  Hong  Kong.  San 
Francisco  is  very  proud  of  its  Chinese,  but  when  a  Japa- 
nese is  observed  in  the  city  the  reserves  are  called  out 
and  the  newspapers  are  fortified  with  extra  large  heads. 

San  Francisco  stretches  magnificently  over  the  heights 
above  the  bay  and  is  proud  of  its  great  hills,  including 
Telegraph  Hill  and  Nob  Hill.  But  it  would  trade  them 
both  for  James  J.  Hill  and  a  little  railroad  competition. 
Much  has  been  said  of  San  Francisco's  climate  and  the 
recording  angel  has  been  overworked  on  both  sides.  It 
is  a  fine  climate  and  very  reasonable  in  temperature,  sel- 
dom falling  below  fifty,  but  the  San  Franciscan's  pride 
in  refusing  to  steam  heat  it  has  sent  many  visitors  home 
with  chilblains  and  unjust  remarks. 


CITIES  59 


KANSAS  CITY 

KANSAS  CITY,  the  largest  and  loudest  city  in  the 
Middle  West,  is  located  beside  and  occasionally 
under  the  Missouri  River.     The  city  is  in  Mis- 
souri, but  is  so  close  to  the  State  line  that  about  100,000 
of  its  inhabitants  have  spilled  over  into  Kansas,  where 
they  are  irretrievably  lost  for  census  purposes.   In  spite 
of  this  Kansas  City  has  250,000  citizens  who  do  as  much 
work  and  make  as  much  noise  doing  it  as  a  million  New 
Englanders. 

Kansas  City  was  first  located  beneath  the  bluffs  of 
the  Missouri,  but  climbed  these  bluffs  with  great  exer- 
tion many  years  ago  and  has  now  spread  over  several 
dozen  hills  in  a  manner  which  makes  a  ride  in  a  Kansas 
City  street  car  resemble  a  trip  in  a  scenic  railway.  The 
business  section  occupies  two  hills  and  a  valley  and  the 
quickest  way  to  get  down  to  Main  Street  is  to  sit  down 
on  Ninth  and  slide  or  take  an  elevator  on  the  ground 
floor  of  a  Grand  Avenue  building  and  go  down  three 
stories.  Kansas  City  cellars  are  made  of  rock  and  have 
to  be  pried  out  with  dynamite  whenever  a  building  is  in- 
serted in  them.  Digging  cellars  is  a  favorite  Kansas 
City  excitement  and  the  resident  who  has  not  been  shot 
in  the  neck  with  a  jagged  piece  of  real  estate  is  not  con- 
sidered naturalized. 

Kansas  City  started  out  to  become  the  metropolis  of 
the  world  in  1890,  but  after  building  an  elevated  rail- 
road and  19,000  real  estate  offices  it  sustained  a  punc- 
ture and  ran  with  a  flat  wheel  for  many  years.  It  is 


60          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

now  growing  at  the  rate  of  80,000  people  per  decade 
and  will  eventually  pass  New  Orleans,  Milwaukee,  Cin- 
cinnati, and  Washington. 

Kansas  City  packs  hogs  and  cattle,  sells  implements 
and  groceries  to  the  great  southwest  and  entertains 
relatives  between  trains.  It  has  twenty  railroads,  all 
of  whose  trains  enter  a  prehistoric  union  depot  by  a 
double  track  which  always  has  a  waiting  list  of  passen- 
ger trains  on  it.  For  many  years  the  city's  local, 
State  and  national  platform  has  been  a  new  depot  and 
the  third  largest  station  in  the  world  is  now  being  built 
$1.00  by  taxicab  from  the  business  section. 

Kansas  City  has  more  good-looking  $10,000  homes 
than  any  other  American  city,  owing  to  the  fact  that 
when  the  builder  gets  his  cellar  blasted  out  he  has 
enough  material  to  build  his  house.  Kansas  City  men 
work  hard,  but  will  always  stop  an  hour  or  a  day  to 
talk  about  Kansas  City  in  a  low,  well  modulated  shriek 
of  enthusiasm.  The  city  is  full  of  concentrated  hustle, 
but  is  also  amusing  itself  by  building  parks,  boulevards, 
paseos,  cliff  drives,  and  art  galleries,  and  is  going  to  be 
as  handsome  as  any  city  in  the  world,  or  know  the  rea- 
son why. 


CITIES  61 


BOSTON 

BOSTON  is  a  slightly  congested  portion  of  Massa- 
chusetts,  containing  700,000  mortals  and   sev- 
eral thousand  descendants  of  the  early  colonial 
governors.     It  is  the  fifth  city  in  size  in  the  United 
States  and  as  soon  as  it  has  increased  its  membership 
limit  by  taking  in  Cambridge,  Somerville  and  Brook- 
line,  which  hedge  it  in  on  all  sides,  it  will  have  a  million 
people  and  citizens  of  St.  Louis  will  expire  in  heaps 
from  envy. 

Boston  is  a  small  city  in  area,  but  emits  a  vast 
amount  of  intellectual  atmosphere,  being  full  of  univer- 
sities, institutes  and  high  brow  gymnasia  of  all  sorts. 
This  causes  it  to  look  coldly  on  the  rude  West  and  its 
people  never  weary  of  expressing  in  the  most  beautiful 
solid  mahogany  language  their  entire  content  with 
Boston.  If  a  man  hasn't  a  string  of  degrees  after  his 
name,  which  looks  like  the  tail  of  a  kite,  he  is  received 
coldly  in  Boston,  and  is  compelled  to  help  govern  the 
city  for  a  living.  Boston  is  run  in  the  same  old  famil- 
iar way,  and  the  third  degree  is  the  only  degree  with 
which  its  politicians  are  familiar. 

Boston  has  other  peculiar  prides,  too.  A  Boston 
man  never  tows  his  visitors  around  to  see  a  twenty- 
story  office  building  or  a  forty-acre  factory.  He  talks 
about  its  public  library  and  its  ornamental  river  banks, 
its  old  churches,  and  its  graveyards,  and  its  history. 
Boston  is  so  full  of  history  that  parts  of  the  city  are 
almost  paved  with  brass  memorial  plates,  while  its 


62  SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

graveyards  are  full  of  famous  old  patriots,  and  the 
newcomer  who  is  not  related  to  some  prominent  tomb- 
stone, stands  a  poor  chance  indeed. 

Boston  abounds  in  chimney  pots,  ivy,  street  cars, 
spectacles,  hallowed  soil  and  old  residences  which  are 
trying  to  disguise  themselves  as  store  buildings.  Its 
only  skyscraper  is  Bunker  Hill  Monument.  A  hotel, 
which  once  tried  to  elbow  its  way  into  the  skyline,  was 
rudely  amputated  at  the  eighth  story  by  the  depart- 
ment of  public  art.  The  city  has  been  growing  larger 
for  three  hundred  years,  but  still  uses  the  same  little 
old  streets  which  were  laid  out  with  the  seams  in  Gov- 
ernor Winthrop's  crazy  quilt  for  a  pattern.  It  is  in- 
deed a  distressing  sight  to  see  a  narrow  and  uncertain 
street,  like  Washington  Street,  trying  to  handle  the  re- 
tail business  of  a  great  metropolis,  and  to  watch  the 
street  cars  plowing  through  the  mob  and  leaving  the 
pedestrians  in  a  great  furrow  on  either  side.  Boston's 
most  celebrated  streets  are  Beacon  Street,  which  was 
named  from  the  literary  lights  which  once  resided  on  it 
and  Commonwealth  Avenue,  so  named  because  wealth  is 
the  only  common  thing  on  it. 

The  modern  parts  of  Boston  are  very  beautiful  and 
the  city  has  thoughtfully  provided  a  subway  by  which 
the  stranger  can  pass  under  the  business  portion  and 
the  celebrated  Boston  Common  without  seeing  them. 


DONATIONS    FROM    NATURE 

Nature  has  dumped  scenery  into  the 
United  States  as  the  multi-millionaire  dumps 
bonds  onto  his  children.  There  is  enough 
scenery  in  this  country  to  keep  a  billion  tour- 
ists busy  at  once  but  most  of  it  has  been 
thoughtlessly  located  far  from  the  large 
cities  and  the  best  hotels.  If  the  American 
should  See  America  First  with  care  and  thor- 
oughness he  would  have  to  leave  the  job  of 
seeing  Europe  to  his  heirs  and  assignees. 


DONATIONS   FROM   NATURE      65 


THE  ROCKY  MOUNTAINS 

THE  Rocky  Mountains  form  the  most  prominent 
feature   of   America.     Even  man,   who   in   this 
thunderous    country    has    built    800-foot    sky- 
scrapers,  1,000-acre   factories   and  private  residences 
so  large  that  the  butler  answers  the  doorbell  on  roller 
skates,    stands    abashed    and    considerably    impressed 
when  he  views  these  mountains,  and  does  not  even  try 
to  figure  whether  it  would  pay  to  remove  them  and 
plant  the  ground  to  turnips. 

The  Rocky  Mountains  begin  in  Alaska  and  end  at 
Cape  Horn.  The  southern  half,  however,  are  under 
different  management,  and  are  incorporated  under  the 
name  of  the  Andes.  The  Rocky  Mountains  proper 
are  confined  mostly  to  the  western  part  of  the  United 
States,  and  for  many  years  were  about  the  only  proper 
things  in  that  section.  They  are  not  as  well  adver- 
tised as  the  Alps,  and  tourists  do  not  spend  so  much 
time  in  passionate  endeavors  to  climb  them.  But  they, 
are  much  more  expensively  built.  In  fact,  the  material 
used  in  constructing  the  Rocky  Mountains  is  of  the 
very  highest  grade.  Millions  of  tons  of  gold  and  sil- 
ver have  been  worked  into  the  designs  of  the  various 
peaks,  regardless  of  expense.  This  has  made  the 
Rocky  Mountains  very  popular  among  miners  of  all 
nations  and  some  of  their  majestic  flanks  in  Colorado 
are  so  badly  pitted  with  prospect  holes  as  to  make  the 
casual  tenderfoot  wonder  if  mountains  are  subject  to 
smallpox. 


66  SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

The  Rocky  Mountains  first  begin  to  dawn  upon  the 
casual  traveler  at  the  western  edge  of  Kansas  and  Ne- 
braska, at  which  point  they  look  like  strips  of  baby 
ribbon  on  the  horizon.  As  the  traveler  approaches 
they  become  more  prominent  until  they  finally  congest 
the  landscape  and  infringe  considerably  upon  the  ze- 
nith. Colorado  is  full  of  snow-covered  peaks,  from  two 
to  almost  three  miles  in  height,  and  the  rankest  amateur 
can  go  out  from  his  hotel  in  many  a  Colorado  town 
and  climb  far  enough  in  a  few  minutes  to  fall  800  feet 
in  no  time  at  all. 

The  Rocky  Mountains  occupy  a  great  deal  of  what 
would  otherwise  be  valuable  farm  land  in  this  country 
and  compel  the  transcontinental  railroads  to  climb 
around  their  dizzy  sides  like  cats  upon  a  tin  roof.  But 
they  keep  the  nation  supplied  with  pocket  money,  wild 
west  literature,  grizzly  bears,  ozone  and  scenery,  and 
now  that  the  government  is  harnessing  up  the  mountain 
streams,  we  may  expect  to  see  the  day  when  the  Rockies 
will  do  most  of  the  heavy  work  for  the  nation.  Much 
use  can  be  made  of  a  mountain  if  it  is  carefully  tamed 
and  taught  to  do  such  simple  tricks  as  turning  a  tur- 
bine power  wheel. 


DONATIONS    FROM   NATURE      67 


NIAGARA  FALLS 

NIAGARA  FALLS  is  a  large  body  of  water  stood 
up  on  end  and  entirely  surrounded  by  souve- 
nirs. 

It  is  the  largest  piece  of  perpendicular  wetness  in 
the  world,  and  if  it  were  not  for  the  noise  made  by  the 
tourists  and  the  hotel  runners  in  the  vicinity  its  roar 
could  be  heard  for  many  miles. 

Niagara  Falls  is  the  terminus  of  navigation  on  the 
Great  Lakes.  At  a  point  within  easy  walking  distance 
of  1,100  hotels,  the  Niagara  River,  half  a  mile  wide, 
suddenly  falls  without  any  warning  whatever  over  a 
precipice  164  feet  high,  forming  the  grandest  sight  in 
the  universe,  not  excepting  the  horseshoe  circle  at  New 
Yoi'k  Grand  Opera.  It  is  estimated  that  500,000  peo- 
ple a  year  visit  this  cataract  and  most  of  them  en- 
courage it  by  having  their  photographs  taken  while 
standing  beside  it  with  an  air  of  approval. 

Niagara  Falls  was  discovered  by  La  Salle,  who  be- 
came aware  of  its  presence  while  trying  to  paddle  a 
canoe  from  Montreal  to  the  Gulf  of  Mexico.  He  re- 
mained several  months  in  the  vicinity  and  came  away 
without  buying  a  single  picture  postal  card,  thus  mak- 
ing a  record  which  has  never  since  been  equaled.  At 
this  time  Niagara  was  in  a  very  wild  and  uncivilized 
state.  Shortly  after  the  Revolution,  however,  the  falls 
were  captured  by  the  hackmen  and  have  been  in  a 
state  of  captivity  ever  since.  No  cataract  on  earth 
has  been  so  abused.  It  has.  been  bridged,  tunneled, 


68          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

navigated,  jumped  over,  tight-roped  and  illuminated. 
For  fifty  cents  one  may  ride  up  to  it  from  below  in  a 
boat  and  puff  cigarette  smoke  in  its  face.  For  a  dol- 
lar one  can  go  down  behind  it  in  a  rubber  suit  and  feel 
of  its  ribs.  Once  the  Indians  worshiped  it  and  called 
it  a  God.  Now  tourists  ride  around  it  in  trolley  cars 
and  excursionists  throw  ham  sandwiches  in  it  as  a  boy 
would  throw  peanuts  to  an  elephant. 

Not  only  is  Niagara  Falls  abused,  but  it  is  cruelly 
oppressed.  It  must  turn  the  wheels  of  a  hundred  fac- 
tories. It  runs  the  electric  cars  of  Buffalo.  It  cooks 
the  meals  of  Buffalo  on  electric  ranges,  heats  the  milk 
for  the  Buffalo  babies,  does  the  washing  and  runs  the 
sewing  machines  in  ten  thousand  homes,  and  at  night, 
when  other  toilers  are  in  bed,  it  must  supply  the  lights 
for  half  a  hundred  towns,  while  an  operator  in  over- 
alls turns  a  searchlight  On  it  and  exhibits  it  to  tourists 
at  25  cents  apiece. 

All  this  in  New  York  State,  which  spends  $100,000 
a  year  protecting  the  horse  from  overwork. 

Geologists  say  that  Niagara  Falls  will  last  about 
1,543,000  years  longer,  but  even  geologists  can't  tell 
what  legislatures  will  do.  Almost  half  the  water  of 
Niagara  is  now  being  sneaked  around  through  the 
power  houses,  and  if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  pen  of  the 
newspaper  man,  which  is  mightier  than  the  pull  of  the 
power  hog,  all  the  water  would  have  been  stolen  by 
this  time.  Even  now  it  is  only  a  question  of  time  until 
the  name  "  Niagara  Falls  "  must  be  changed  to  "  Ni- 
agara Trickles,"  and  when  the  great  cataract  will  only 
be  run  on  Sundays  and  holidays. 


DONATIONS    FROM    NATURE      69 


THE  MISSISSIPPI  RIVER 

THE  Mississippi  River  was  named  by  some  Indian 
who  had  no  other  use  for  his  "  i's  "  or  "  s's  " 
and  means  "  Father  of  Waters."  A  more 
proper  name  would  be  the  "  Rockefeller  of  Waters," 
for  the  Mississippi  is  one  of  the  greatest  moisture 
trusts  in  the  world.  Beginning  in  Minnesota  as  a 
stream  so  small  that  it  cannot  even  get  an  appropria- 
tion from  Congress  for  its  improvement,  it  rapidly  ab- 
sorbs river  after  river  until  by  the  time  it  reaches  the 
Gulf  of  Mexico  it  controls  practically  all  the  wetness 
between  the  Rocky  Mountains  and  the  Appalachians. 
That  is  one  difference  between  a  river  and  a  trust, 
however.  Mountains  can  stop  a  river,  but  only  Prov- 
idence can  stop  a  trust. 

The  Mississippi  is  a  mile  wide  after  it  gets  its  growth, 
and  is  deep  enough  between  sandbars  to  float  five-foot 
catfish  above  Cairo,  and  small  sized  battleships  below. 
It  only  covers  about  1200  miles  as  the  aeroplane  flies, 
but  by  taking  a  course  like  a  taxicab  driver  who  is 
carrying  a  total  stranger,  it  manages  to  register  over 
3,000  miles  between  Minnesota  and  the  Gulf.  It  was 
discovered  by  De  Soto,  immortalized  by  Mark  Twain, 
and  improved  by  Eads,  who  did  several  million  of  dol- 
lars worth  of  dental  work  in  its  mouth. 

The  Mississippi  flows  through,  and  sometimes  over, 
a  wonderfully  fertile  country,  and  is  as  inconvenient 
to  have  around  as  a  prairie  fire,  owing  to  its  restless- 
ness. It  is  more  particular  about  its  bed  than  a  com- 


70          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

mercial  traveler,  and  frequently  changes  it  at  night 
for  the  most  frivolous  reasons.  It  is  also  harder  on 
banks  than  a  cashier  with  a  weakness  for  society.  No 
bank  is  safe  while  it  is  around.  With  only  a  moderate 
appetite  the  Mississippi  will  eat  ten  miles  of  banks 
adorned  with  cornfields  and  cotton  plantations  in  a  sin- 
gle day.  Each  year  it  devours  thousands  of  acres  of 
fine  farm  land  and  carries  it  down  to  the  Gulf  of  Mex- 
ico, where  it  adds  to  the  area  of  Louisiana  at  the  rate 
of  one  square  mile  a  year.  If  the  Mississippi  doesn't 
get  tired  of  Louisiana  and  move  away,  that  State  will 
soon  be  larger  than  Texas,  and  will  extend  clear  to 
South  America.  Many  an  Illinois  farmer  has  a  valid 
claim  to  a  farm  in  the  Delta  district  of  Louisiana,  but 
cannot  identify  his  property. 

In  the  spring  the  Mississippi  rises  rapidly  to  the 
second  story  of  most  of  the  towns  along  its  banks,  and 
conducts  a  spring  house-cleaning,  carrying  off  every- 
thing movable.  During  the  spring  of  1913  the  river 
broke  its  height  record  and  ruined  over  200,000  south- 
ern citizens,  who  now  regard  it  with  less  favor  than 
they  do  the  Republican  Party. 

The  Mississippi  is  navigated  by  snags,  houseboats, 
motor  boats,  and  occasional  steamboats.  If  it  were 
harnessed  it  would  give  power  enough  to  light  the 
United  States,  and  if  it  were  controlled  it  would  carry 
the  traffic  of  the  great  Middle  West.  But  Congress 
prefers  to  discuss  tariff  schedules,  which  do  not  weary 
the  brain  so  much. 


THE  GRAND  CANYON 

THE  Grand  Canyon  of  the  Colorado  is  a  small 
scratch  on  the  earth's  surface  made  by  Provi- 
dence to  show  man  what  an  insignificant  insect 
he  is.  It  is  100  miles  long,  13  miles  wide  and  6,000  feet 
deep.  Viewed  from  Mars,  it  looks  like  a  wrinkle  on  the 
face  of  Nature.  Viewed  from  its  brink,  it  is  so  awe- 
inspiring  that  even  Commercial  Travelers  look  at  it  in 
silence,  and  famous  writers  claw  hopelessly  for  ade- 
quate adjectives. 

The  Grand  Canyon  was  made  by  the  Colorado  River 
about  the  time  the  mother-in-law  joke  was  invented. 
The  Colorado  is  not  a  large  stream,  but  it  has  always 
been  very  busy.  It  has  eaten  its  way  through  a  mile 
of  sandstone  and  a  thousand  feet  of  granite  and  has 
produced  a  chasm  filled  with  weird  temples  of  red,  yel- 
low, white  and  black  rock,  5,000  feet  high.  It  is  esti- 
mated that  it  has  taken  to  accomplish  this  enough  horse 
power  to  light  a  boulevard  between  here  and  the  moon. 
One  can  always  tell  a  power  magnate  by  the  way  he 
weeps  when  he  sees  the  canyon. 

The  Colorado  Canyon  runs  through  a  vast  desert 
and  begins  without  warning.  At  any  point  for  a  hun- 
dred miles,  it  would  be  possible  for  the  casual  wanderer 
to  step  off  of  the  United  States  and  to  starve  to  death 
before  he  got  through  falling.  This  shows  the  wisdom 
of  Nature.  Had  she  placed  the  Canyon  near  New 
York,  100,000  people  a  year  would  fall  into  it,  while  in 
its  present  position  it  does  not  need  to  be  fenced  at 


72          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

all.  However,  owing  to  its  isolated  position,  the  Can- 
yon does  not  draw  nearly  as  much  tourist  patronage 
as  Niagara  Falls,  Mt.  Vesuvius,  Uncle  Joe  Cannon 
and  other  natural  phenomena.  More  people  see  Coney 
Island  in  a  night  than  see  Colorado  Canyon  in  a  year. 
This  is  partly  what  is  the  matter  with  New  York. 

The  Canyon  is  located  in  Arizona,  65  miles  away 
from  the  nearest  drug  store,  and  is  already  in  the  hands 
of  a  trust,  there  being  only  one  railroad  to  it.  It  is 
so  vast  that  thunder  storms  not  only  rage  in  it  while 
the  spectator  watches  them  from  above,  but  they  some- 
times wander  off  and  get  lost  in  the  side  canyons.  Its 
grandeur  is  heightened  by  the  fact  that  not  a  single 
sign  adorns  its  walls.  In  spite  of  the  unparalleled  op- 
portunity to  announce  the  virtues  of  soaps  and  soups 
in  letters  half  a  mile  high,  no  sign  painter  with 
nerve  enough  to  tackle  the  job  has  been  found.  There 
is  only  one  trail  to  the  water  below  —  the  Bright  An- 
gel Trail,  named  for  the  people  who  have  fallen  off; 
and  by  mounting  a  burro  the  tourist  can  find  himself 
in  two  hours  in  a  scene  of  utter  desolation  which  has 
never  been  penetrated  by  the  automobile,  the  book 
agent,  the  pianola,  the  harem  skirt,  the  tariff  question 
or  the  senatorial  scandal.  Many  tourists  have  taken 
this  spot  for  Paradise  and  have  had  to  be  removed  by 
force. 

The  Grand  Canyon  is  the  greatest  natural  curiosity 
in  existence,  and  it  is  a  comfort  to  reflect  that  no  mat- 
ter what  man  may  do  to  it,  or  how  long  he  may  keep 
on  doing  it,  the  results  will  only  be  visible  through  a 
strong  glass.  It  is  one  thing  in  the  world  that  is  too 
big  to  be  abused. 


DONATIONS    FROM   NATURE      73 


THE  GREAT  SALT  LAKE 

THE  Great  Salt  Lake  is  the  American  edition  of 
the  Dead  Sea.  Like  everything  American,  it  is 
an  enlargement  and  improvement  upon  the  orig- 
inal, having  several  times  its  area  and  being  far  bet- 
ter equipped  for  the  tourist  trade. 

The  Great  Salt  Lake  is  80  miles  long  and  20  to  30 
miles  wide.  It  is  also  deep  enough  to  drown  the  tallest 
man.  However,  the  only  way  in  which  even  a  short 
man  could  drown  in  this  lake,  would  be  to  tie  a  rope  to 
the  bottom  and  climb  down.  This  is  because  of  spe- 
cific gravity  which  the  lake  contains  to  excess.  So 
strongly  is  the  water  impregnated  with  specific  grav- 
ity, that  human  beings  float  in  it  without  effort,  their 
heads  and  toes  above  the  surface.  Floating  in  the 
Great  Salt  Lake  is  as  easy  as  floating  in  New  York  so- 
ciety with  only  a  title  for  support.  However,  the 
floater  must  be  careful  not  to  swallow  any  of  the  water 
in  an  unguarded  moment.  It  is  seven  times  more  dis- 
agreeable than  the  most  popular  and  beneficial  mineral 
water,  and  even  if  it  were  to  be  distributed  free,  on  elec- 
tion day  in  a  Bowery  precinct,  no  one  would  willingly 
drink  it. 

This  is  because  of  its  salt.  We  now  approach  the 
secret  of  this  lake's  name.  It  is  from  five  to  seven 
times  as  salt  as  the  ocean,  depending  upon  the  industry 
of  the  sun  in  evaporating  it  from  year  to  year.  Fish 
cannot  live  in  it  —  not  even  codfish  —  and  vegetation 
for  miles  about  it  is  extremely  passe  and  dejected. 


74          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Very  little  use  has  been  found  for  the  lake  thus  far, 
though  thousands  of  gallons  of  it  are  sold  in  small  bot- 
tles to  tourists  during  the  season.  Even  a  bath  in  it 
is  a  delusion  and  a  snare,  as  the  bather  has  to  wash  off 
with  a  hose  afterward.  However,  the  lake  does  stand 
between  Utah  and  the  salt  trust  in  a  noble  and  efficient 
manner,  and  it  furnishes  Salt  Lake  City  with  one  of 
the  most  novel  summer  resorts  in  captivity. 

The  Great  Salt  Lake  is  remarkable  for  its  fluctua- 
tions in  size,  surpassing  in  this  respect  the  Republican 
vote.  For  many  years  it  gained  steadily  in  area 
until  Salt  Lake  City  became  nervous  during  every  rain- 
storm. Then  it  shrank  until  the  bathing  pavilion  was 
far  out  in  the  desert.  Now  it  is  growing  again.  It  is 
better  equipped  with  railroad  facilities  than  any  other 
body  of  water,  the  Southern  Pacific  Railroad  having 
built  a  bridge  and  causeway  straight  across  it.  After 
having  viewed  the  marvelous  energy  of  man  at  Niagara 
Falls  and  elsewhere,  we  can  only  feel  thankful  that  the 
Southern  Pacific  did  not  move  the  lake  away  entirely 
instead  of  bridging  it,  thus  wiping  out  a  great  national 
wonder. 


DONATIONS    FROM   NATURE      75 


THE  YELLOWSTONE  NATIONAL  PARK 

THE  Yellowstone  National  Park  is  a  public  pleas- 
ure ground,  maintained  by  the  United  States 
government  for  the  enjoyment  of  the  people  and 
the  brown  bears  of  the  nation. 

The  park  is  typically  American  because  of  its  size. 
It  is  the  largest  park  open  to  the  public  anywhere. 
Many  nations  could  not  have  a  park  of  this  size  unless 
they  borrowed  some  territory  from  their  neighbors. 
It  has  about  3,500  square  miles,  and  is  not  fenced  in. 
This  is  carelessness,  of  course,  and  leads  to  some 
trouble,  but  the  government  has  never  had  time  to  dig 
the  post  holes. 

The  Yellowstone  Park  is  situated  in  the  northwest 
corner  of  Wyoming,  about  $125  from  the  center  of  pop- 
ulation, including  Pullman  fare.  One  might  think 
from  its  inaccessibility  that  it  was  a  postoffice,  but  in 
this  case  the  government  had  some  excuse.  The  park 
is  where  it  is  because  it  was  impossible  to  move  the  scen- 
ery of  which  it  is  composed  to  some  more  centrally 
located  spot. 

Scenery  and  natural  curiosities  are  the  strong  points 
of  the  Yellowstone  Park.  It  contains  several  moun- 
tain ranges,  a  plateau,  a  large  number  of  canyons,  a 
large  lake,  a  300-foot  waterfall  and  a  magnifi- 
cent collection  of  geysers.  In  fact  the  park  has 
a  monopoly  of  geysers  in  this  country,  and  geyser  lov- 
ers who  do  not  like  the  price  of  admission  are  at  lib- 
erty to  jump  off  the  dock. 


76          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

The  Yellowstone  Park  is  11,000  feet  high,  in  some 
spots  and  in  others  reaches  so  far  down  that  the  water 
in  the  springs  is  red  hot  and  smells  of  sulphur.  Watch- 
ing the  geyser  throw  water  at  the  dog  star,  boil- 
ing eggs  in  the  mud  pots  and  escaping  from  the  tame 
bear,  catamounts,  mountain  lions  and  rattlesnakes 
are  the  favorite  occupations  of  the  tourists.  Guns 
are  not  allowed  in  the  park,  and  the  bears  and  buffalo 
are  so  tame  that  they  will  frequently  walk  up  to  a  shiv- 
ering stranger  and  attempt  to  borrow  a  chew  from 
him. 

The  Yellowstone  Park  has  the  grandest  and  weird- 
est scenery  on  this  continent,  and  if  it  were  near  New 
York  the  government  could  make  millions  by  charging 
admission.  It  also  contains  another  great  American 
curiosity  —  good  roads.  Automobilists  who  have  trav- 
eled mostly  in  Illinois  and  Missouri  frequently  go  to 
the  park  to  see  these  roads  alone. 


ARC    LIGHTS 
IN   OUR   HISTORY 

No  other  country  has  produced  so  many 
100  per  cent,  pure  patriots  as  America  and 
in  no  other  country  has  patriotism  been  so 
healthy  a  calling.  The  custom  of  pruning 
off  a  patriot  below  the  chin  which  flourished 
for  so  many  centuries  in  Europe  has  never 
prevailed  on  this  side  of  the  water  and  most 
of  America's  great  men  have  died  of  their 
own  accord  and  full  of  honors. 


ARC   LIGHTS   IN    OUR   HISTORY     79 


GEORGE  WASHINGTON,  the  Father  of  his 
Country,  was  born  in  Virginia,  Feb.  22,  1732. 
He  was  the  son  of  aristocratic  parents  and 
spent  his  boyhood  playing  with  the  other  scions  of  aris- 
tocracy in  Westmoreland  County,  most  of  whom  be- 
came presidents  of  the  United  States  later  on.  He 
was  a  great  athlete,  though  nowadays  he  would  be  dis- 
qualified in  a  minute  by  the  Amateur  Athletic  Associa- 
tion for  handling  money,  as  he  once  threw  a  dollar 
across  the  Potomac  River.  He  was  also  an  honest  lad, 
and  when  he  chopped  down  a  cherry  tree  and  was  asked 
about  it  by  his  angry  father  he  replied,  "  Father,  I 
cannot  tell  a  lie.  I  did  it  with  my  little  hatchet." 
The  father  was  so  relieved  to  find  that  the  boy  had  not 
used  his  expensive  imported  razor  that  he  embraced  him 
and  they  lived  happily  ever  after. 

Washington  became  a  surveyor  and  also  helped  the 
British  army  fight  the  French  and  Indians.  He  then 
married  and  settled  down  on  his  estate  to  spend  a  happy 
life.  But  he  had  no  children,  and  in  order  to  fill  the 
vacant  space  in  his  heart  he  decided  to  adopt  his  coun- 
try. This  necessitated  a  great  deal  of  fighting  on  his 
part,  and  from  1775  to  1781  he  was  almost  continually 
occupied  in  eradicating  redcoats.  He  was  often  de- 
feated, and  was  chased  an  aggregate  of  several  thou- 
sand miles.  His  soldiers  had  little  to  eat  and  less  to 
wear,  and  usually  ran  out  of  powder  about  the  second 
round  of  each  battle.  If  Washington  had  had  the  pow- 


8o          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

der  that  is  burned  each  Fourth  of  July  nowadays 
in  celebrating  his  victories  he  would  have  been  a  happy 
man  and  would  have  become  a  national  parent  much 
earlier  in  life. 

There  was  great  opposition  to  Washington  and  all 
over  the  colonies  men  eagerly  wore  out  dry  goods  boxes 
and  store  counters  showing  just  how  he  could  get  much 
better  results.  He  was  cursed  and  maligned  by  large 
numbers  of  rich  Tories,  who  wanted  to  let  well  enough 
alone.  A  price  was  set  on  his  head  by  the  British,  and 
he  often  had  to  postpone  dinner  from  day  to  day.  But 
in  the  end  he  captured  Cornwallis  at  Yorktown 
and  everyone  hastened  to  admit  that  he  was  a  great 
man. 

In  1788  Washington  was  elected  first  President  of 
the  United  States  and  served  eight  happy  years  undis- 
turbed by  tariff  squabbles,  conservation  agitation  or 
invitations  to  dinner  on  the  Pacific  Coast.  At  the  end 
of  his  second  term  he  declined  reelection  and  returned 
to  his  home  at  Mt.  Vernon,  where  he  died  in  1799  from 
a  consultation  of  physicians,  complicated  by  a  slight 
cold.  He  left  a  widow  and  an  infant  country,  which 
was  compelled  to  grow  up  without  parental  discipline 
and  has  felt  the  effects  ever  since. 

Washington  could  have  been  King  of  his  people  and 
he  could  have  had  great  honor  from  Great  Britain  by 
refusing  to  insurge.  But  he  chose  to  be  president  of  a 
busted  and  struggling  nation  at  a  small  salary  and 
because  he  seems  to  have  had  the  habit  of  thinking  of 
his  own  interests  last,  the  American  people  have  built 
him  a  monument  555  feet  high  and  have  named  moun- 
tains, rivers,  states,  counties,  towns,  boulevards  and 
babies  after  him  for  over  &  century. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN    OUR   HISTORY     81 


ABRAHAM  LINCOLN 

ABRAHAM  LINCOLN,  America's  tallest,  homeli- 
est and  greatest  statesman,  was  born  in  Ken- 
tucky more  than  100  years  ago.  He  was  an  Il- 
linois man,  but  owing  to  the  remarkably  poor  facilities 
for  getting  born  in  Illinois  in  1809,  he  was  compelled 
to  choose  Kentucky  for  a  native  State.  Later  on  he 
lingered  in  Indiana  long  enough  to  acquire  his  first  pair 
of  pants  and  came  to  Illinois  a  few  years  afterward, 
when  navigation  had  opened  on  the  prairie  roads. 

Lincoln  resolved  to  become  great  when  a  mere  boy, 
and  as  his  parents  were  very  poor,  he  had  nothing  to 
draw  his  attention  from  his  task.  He  was  not  pes- 
tered by  society,  did  not  have  to  perfect  himself  in  base- 
ball, pool,  cigarette  rolling,  and  taste  in  neckties,  and 
was  in  general  free  from  the  burdens  of  the  unfortu- 
nate sons  of  the  rich.  By  a  singular  good  fortune,  the 
only  books  he  was  able  to  borrow  were  useful  ones. 
Consequently,  he  arrived  at  manhood  with  an  unlit- 
tered  brain  and  was  able  to  become  a  leader  of  the  Illi- 
nois Legislature  at  an  age  when  the  educated  youth  of 
to-day  is  still  painfully  paying  off  his  college  clothing 
bills  in  installments. 

Lincoln  was  six  feet  four  inches  tall,  very  lanky,  and 
was  so  homely  that  he  finally  grew  a  beard  as  a  rebuke 
to  his  face.  He  early  attracted  attention  by  his  hon- 
esty, and  as  soon  as  the  people  found  that  this  was  a 
habit,  and  not  a  policy,  they  repeatedly  elected  him  to 
any  office  which  happened  to  be  handy.  He  was  a 


82          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

great  philosopher,  and  understood  the  political  ques- 
tions of  the  day  so  thoroughly  that  he  was  able  to  illus- 
trate them  by  funny  stories  which  would  make  him  more 
money  on  the  vaudeville  stage  to-day,  than  he  ever  made 
out  of  politics.  In  his  youth,  he  was  a  champion  rail- 
splitter,  and  this  skill  afterwards  enabled  him  to  split 
the  Democratic  Party  with  such  success  that  he  became 
President  in  1861. 

Lincoln  had  always  been  opposed  to  slavery,  and 
made  a  practice  of  alluding  to  this  fact  even  in  sections 
where  abolitionism  was  more  unhealthy  than  malaria. 
When  he  was  elected,  the  South  seceded,  and  for  four 
years  Lincoln  piloted  his  country  through  the  greatest 
civil  war  of  history.  There  were  cannons  in  front  of 
him,  "  copperheads  "  behind  him,  and  advisers  on  all 
sides  of  him,  but  he  bore  up  against  all  these  perils 
with  such  firmness,  and  bravery,  and  kindness,  and  pa- 
triotism, and  tact,  and  common  sense,  and  humor,  that 
the  world  took  off  its  hat  to  him  and  has  never  put  it 
back.  When  he  was  assassinated  in  1865,  he  was  so 
well  beloved  that  men  called  him  beautiful  when  they 
looked  at  him. 

Some  men  require  fifteen  years  of  schooling  to  be- 
come wise.  Lincoln's  wisdom  was  home  made,  and  the 
pattern  has  never  been  duplicated.  He  showed  the 
world  how  to  become  an  orator  in  200  words,  which  is 
still  9900  below  the  average  record;  moreover,  he 
proved  that  it  is  as  easy  to  be  wise  in  short  stories  and 
jokes,  as  it  is  in  fourteen-syllabled  words.  Like  a 
great  mountain  peak,  he  looms  higher  as  he  recedes 
from  us,  and  to-day  all  parties  claim  to  have  sprung 
from  his  ideas. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN    OUR   HISTORY     83 


BENJAMIN  FRANKLIN  was  an  ordinary  man 
with  an  extraordinary  supply  of  common  sense, 
who  flourished  in  the  eighteenth  century  and  is 
still  regarded  as  one  of  the  finest  of  American  prod- 
ucts. 

Franklin  was  born  in  Boston,  but  was  one  of  the  few 
Boston  wise  men  to  succeed  in  getting  away  from  that 
city.  His  family  was  not  distinguished,  and  when  he 
left  Boston,  after  having  run  a  newspaper  with  more 
brilliance  than  success,  no  committee  of  city  officials 
appeared  to  bid  him  good-by. 

Franklin  arrived  in  Philadelphia  with  enough  money 
left  to  buy  two  rolls  of  bread,  and  paraded  the  town 
wearing  one  loaf  under  his  arm  and  eating  the  other. 
This  successfully  quarantined  him  from  Philadelphia 
society,  and  he  was  enabled  to  put  all  his  time  into  the 
printing  business  with  such  success  that  he  was  sent 
to  London  in  1724  by  the  governor  to  get  a  printing 
outfit.  He  worked  for  eighteen  months  in  a  London 
printing  house  and  was  probably  the  most  eminent  em- 
ploye that  London  journalism  ever  had,  though  Eng- 
land has  not  yet  waked  up  to  this  fact. 

Franklin  then  returned  to  Philadelphia  and  pur- 
chased the  Gazette,  which  he  began  to  edit  with  such 
success  that  he  frequently  had  to  spend  all  day  making 
change  for  eager  subscribers.  It  might  be  well  to  men- 
tion here  that  at  this  time  he  was  only  twenty-three 
years  old,  having  been  born  Jan.  17,  1706,  and  having 


84          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

been  a  full-fledged  editor  at  the  age  of  fifteen.  Genius 
often  consists  in  getting  an  early  start  and  keeping 
started. 

At  the  age  of  twenty-six  Franklin's  "  Poor  Rich- 
ard's Almanac,"  the  sayings  of  a  wise  old  man,  had  the 
largest  circulation  of  anything  printed  in  the  Colonies, 
and  people  sought  his  advice  on  everything  from  love 
to  chicken  raising.  At  the  age  of  thirty-one  he  was  a 
member  of  the  Pennsylvania  Assembly.  At  _  forty  he 
had  diagnosed  lightning,  and  had  exhibited  the  first 
electricity  ever  in  captivity  in  a  bottle,  having  caught 
it  with  a  kite  string  and  a  key.  He  had  also  charted 
the  course  of  North  American  storms,  and  explained 
the  Gulf  Stream. 

Franklin  helped  the  Colonies  to  declare  their  inde- 
pendence and  secured  the  treaty  of  alliance  with  France. 
At  seventy-nine  he  was  elected  governor  of  Pennsyl- 
vania. At  eighty-two  he  helped  write  the  Constitu- 
tion of  the  United  States.  He  also  devised  the  Amer- 
ican postal  system.  He  died  at  the  age  of  eighty-four, 
and  Philadelphia  is  prouder  of  his  tombstone  than  she 
is  of  the  Liberty  Bell. 

Through  all  his  long  and  busy  life  Franklin  never 
had  time  to  dress  up  and  adopt  the  social  usages  of  his 
day.  But  this  did  not  prevent  him  from  dazzling  the 
exquisite  court  of  France  at  its  mast  brilliant  and  use- 
less period.  He  was  one  of  the  few  men  who  gave  to 
the  earth  more  wisdom  than  he  absorbed  from  it,  but 
he  never  was  a  bonanza  for  the  tailors.  Had  he  spent 
his  youth  keeping  four  tailors  and  three  haberdashers 
in  affluence,  Franklin  relics  would  probably  not  com- 
mand the  high  price  which  they  now  do. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN    OUR   HISTORY     85 


THOMAS  JEFFERSON 

THOMAS  JEFFERSON,  the  third  President  of 
the  United  States,  and  the  most  famous  red- 
headed man  since  Julius  Caesar's  time,  was  born 
on  April  13,  1743,  in  a  state  of  affluence,  and  also  in 
Virginia,  both  of  which  states  were  regarded  at  that 
time  by  future  presidents  as  the  most  favorable  in 
which  to  be  born.  Jefferson's  father  was  a  planter, 
which  is  a  de  luxe  edition  of  a  farmer,  and  the  young 
Thomas  grew  up  with  all  the  luxuries  of  the  time,  in- 
cluding books,  white  satin  pants  and  a  college  educa- 
tion. He  was  a  talented  writer  and  had  he  lived  to- 
day would  have  successfully  concealed  himself  from 
posterity  by  publishing  valuable  articles  in  the  high 
brow  magazines. 

As  it  was,  however,  he  was  compelled  to  go  into  the 
law.  When  the  Colonies  met  in  convention  in  Phila- 
delphia in  1776,  Jefferson,  then  a  young  man,  wrote 
the  Declaration  of  Independence,  which  speedily  be- 
came a  best  seller  and  has  promoted  the  sale  of  gun- 
powder on  the  Fourth  of  July  ever  since.  Some  peo- 
ple assert  that  this  act  was  fatal  to  Jefferson,  because 
the  Declaration  was  signed  on  the  Fourth  of  July,  and 
its  author  expired  on  the  same  date.  However,  there 
was  a  margin  of  fifty  years  between  cause  and  effect, 
and  Jefferson's  sad  fate  at  the  age  of  eighty-three 
should  not  deter  other  young  patriots  with  declara- 
tions to  write. 

After  the  Colonies  revolted,  Jefferson  began  hold- 


86          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

ing  office  and  continued  to  do  so  with  great  tenacity 
and  continuity,  finally  becoming  vice-president  in  John 
Adams'  administration.  Jefferson  was  deeply  opposed 
to  Adams  and  Massachusetts  and  ostentation  and  other 
things,  and  became  an  insurgent  on  1675  counts.  He 
defeated  Adams  in  1800,  and  became  President,  ruling 
the  country  with  great  firmness  and  diplomacy  for 
eight  years.  On  his  inauguration  day,  he  rode  his 
horse  into  Washington,  tied  him  to  a  post  and  took 
the  oath  of  office  without  frills  or  fuss.  This  was 
hailed  as  a  magnificent  example  of  simplicity,  but  in 
reality  it  was  a  magnificent  example  of  prudence. 
Washington  had  just  been  laid  out  and  was  guiltless 
of  sidewalks  or  pavement.  The  spring  rain  had  set  in 
and  if  Jefferson  had  tried  to  reach  the  Capitol  in  a 
coach,  he  would  have  been  inaugurated  about  1814. 

Jefferson  interpreted  the  constitution  with  great 
strictness,  except  when  it  became  necessary  to  use 
common  sense,  when  he  substituted  the  latter  with  great 
success,  annexing  Louisiana  in  a  manner  that  deeply 
shocked  the  conservatives  of  his  time.  He  introduced 
rotation  in  office  and  continued  to  be  a  firm  friend 
of  the  people  throughout  his  administration.  In  1808 
he  introduced  the  custom  of  bequeathing  the  presidency 
to  a  personal  friend,  and  elected  James  Madison.  He 
then  retired  to  his  home  at  Monticello  and  spent  his 
latter  years  founding  the  University  of  Virginia  and 
entertaining  visitors,  which  he  did  so  lavishly  and  per- 
sistently that  he  died  a  ruined  man  in  everything  but 
fame,  honor  and  affection.  He  was  the  only  president 
who  did  not  belong  to  a  church,  but  he  conducted  a 
guerilla  warfare  for  uprightness  with  great  success  and 
left  an  untarnished  name. 


ARC    LIGHTS    IN    OUR    HISTORY     87 


ULYSSES  S.  GRANT 

ULYSSES  S.  GRANT  was  the  world's  greatest 
illustration  of  what  lack  of  perseverance  can 
accomplish  and  also  what  can  be  done  by 
sticking  everlastingly  to  it. 

Grant  was  born  in  Ohio,  April  27,  1822,  and  because 
his  father  knew  a  Congressman  he  went  to  West  Point 
and  became  a  soldier,  standing  at  the  foot  of  his  class 
in  mathematics,  French,  tatting  and  bed-making,  but 
riding  a  horse  in  a  manner  which  produced  the  pro- 
foundest  respect  in  said  horse.  On  his  graduation  he 
fought  in  the  Mexican  War  and  then  gave  up  the  army 
and  went  into  business. 

Grant  became  a  tanner  and  might  have  become  a 
great  and  rich  man  in  about  300  years  by  this  method. 
But  he  did  not  stick  to  it,  and  when  the  Civil  War 
opened  he  entered  the  army  again,  and  owing  to  his 
quiet  but  inimitable  system  of  reducing  the  enemy  to 
a  few  scattered  remains,  he  became  Lieutenant-General, 
the  highest  honor  ever  conferred  on  an  American  sol- 
dier, and  started  for  Richmond.  If  he  had  been  as  casual 
as  he  had  been  in  business  he  would  never  have  gotten 
there,  but  although  for  weeks  at  a  time  the  air  was  so 
full  of  Confederate  cannon  balls  that  breathing  was 
extremely  difficult,  he  pushed  steadily  on  and  took  Rich- 
mond after  a  dozen  generals  had  given  up  the  job. 

The  war  was  now  ended,  and  as  soon  as  possible  the 
grateful  people  elected  Grant  President.  He  served 
two  terms  with  much  dignity  and  nobility  of  character, 


88          SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

and  then  made  a  trip  around  the  world,  thus  enabling 
other  nations  to  take  a  hasty  look  at  the  greatest  sol- 
dier since  Napoleon.  He  then  retired  to  New  York, 
where  in  his  old  age  a  publishing  house  failed  and  ru- 
ined him  and  he  was  attacked  by  cancer  of  the  throat. 

Grant  now  began  a  battle  which  made  the  engage- 
ments in  the  Wilderness  seem  trivial  and  comfortable. 
Fighting  off  death  as  sternly  as  he  had  ever  fought  off 
Lee,  he  kept  him  waiting  outside  until  he  had  com- 
pleted his  memoirs  in  two  large  volumes  and  had  thus 
insured  his  family  against  want.  The  nation  watched 
the  battle  with  throbbing  suspense,  and  when  he  won 
the  fight  and  leaned  back  to  die  in  peace,  it  was  felt 
that  no  victory  of  the  great  war  had  done  him  so  much 
honor. 

There  will  be  very  few  Grants  in  history  because  Na- 
ture had  to  use  up  a  whole  year's  supply  of  iron  in 
fashioning  his  will  when  she  made  him. 


ARC    LIGHTS    IN    OUR   HISTORY     89 


HENRY  CLAY 

OF  all  Americans  who  flourished  in  the  first  half 
of  the  last  century,  there  was  none  more  pon- 
derous than  Henry  Clay.  For  twenty-five 
years  he  was  the  biggest  man  in  his  country  and  six 
times  during  that  period  he  stood  around,  hat  in  hand, 
and  watched  some  smaller-sized  American  being  inaugu- 
rated president. 

Clay  was  born  in  Virginia,  April  12,  1777.  His  fa- 
ther died  when  he  was  five  and  soon  afterwards  he  be- 
gan supporting  his  family  in  true  presidential  timber 
style.  At  fifteen  he  was  a  clerk  at  Richmond.  At 
twenty-one  he  was  a  lawyer  in  Lexington,  Ky.,  and 
marching  on  towards  fame  with  giant  leaps. 

Clay  entered  politics  as  soon  as  he  had  bought  his 
office  desk.  He  immediately  became  known  as  a  fine 
orator.  He  acquired  the  art  by  practicing  in  the 
cornfields  instead  of  upon  after-dinner  prisoners,  and 
thus  won  the  love  of  all.  At  twenty-three  he  was  a 
legislator,  and  at  twenty-nine  he  was  senator  from  Ken- 
tucky. Everyone  predicted  that  he  would  be  Presi- 
dent as  soon  as  he  was  old  enough  and  there  was  some 
criticism  of  the  Constitution,  because  it  compelled  him 
to  hang  around  until  the  age  of  thirty-five  before  as- 
suming the  office. 

Clay  led  a  busy  life  in  his  thirties,  fighting  duels, 
helping  draw  up  the  treaty  of  Ghent  and  serving  as 
Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representatives.  In  1824  he 
was  a  candidate  for  president,  and  when  the  election 


90          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

got  into  the  House  of  Representatives,  he  helped  elect 
John  Quincy  Adams,  thus  winning  the  undying  hate  of 
Andrew  Jackson,  who  was  the  most  fluent  and  success- 
ful hater  of  those  times.  This  made  Clay's  life  a  bur- 
den to  him,  knocked  him  out  of  the  presidency  with 
great  frequency,  compelled  him  to  load  up  his  dueling 
pistols  time  and  again,  and  kept  him  busy  explaining 
the  rest  of  his  life. 

From  1824  to  1850  Clay  was  so  big  a  man  that  he 
had  to  settle  every  national  quarrel.  Those  were  im- 
patient and  warlike  days,  and  a  dozen  times  the  country 
showed  signs  of  parting  in  the  middle  during  some  dead- 
lock in  Congress.  On  each  occasion  Clay  was  called  on 
to  arrange  a  compromise,  and  he  always  succeeded,  not 
only  in  patching  up  peace,  but  in  winning  a  lot  of  per- 
manent enemies.  Now  and  then  he  would  run  for 
President,  at  which  times  these  enemies  would  band  to- 
gether and  hold  parades  which  were  hours  in  passing  a 
given  point.  He  died  in  1852,  a  disappointed  man, 
after  having  postponed  the  Civil  War  for  thirty  years. 

Clay's  fate  would  probably  have  been  different  if  he 
had  not  compromised  so  much.  He  was  always  ready 
to  load  up  a  horse  pistol  and  fight  a  political  opponent, 
but  he  could  not  bear  to  see  his  country  quarrel,  and  he 
got  what  peacemakers  usually  get. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN    OUR   HISTORY     91 


ALEXANDER  HAMILTON 

ALEXANDER  HAMILTON,  one  of  the  largest 
sized  young  men  in  history,  was  born  in  the 
West  Indies,  January  11,  1757. 

For  twelve  years  Hamilton  lived  like  other  boys  and 
suffered  the  indignity  of  being  patronized  and  ordered 
around  by  grown-ups.  Then  his  father  failed  in  busi- 
ness and  he  went  into  a  store  to  earn  his  living.  In  a 
year  or  two  he  was  managing  the  store. 

Hamilton  made  a  great  success  in  business  and  in  his 
spare  moments  he  wrote  up  a  cyclone  for  the  local 
paper  so  brilliantly  that  his  neighbors  clubbed  together 
and  sent  him  to  New  York  to  college.  On  just  such  lit- 
tle points  history  balances.  If  they  had  sent  him  to 
England  the  United  States  might  have  been  sold  off 
for  junk  over  100  years  ago. 

Hamilton  entered  King's  College,  now  Columbia  Uni- 
versity, at  seventeen  and  a  few  months  later  was  mak- 
ing speeches  urging  the  colonists  to  rise  and  swat  the 
tyrants.  At  eighteen  he  had  a  wide  reputation  as  a 
writer  of  political  pamphlets.  At  nineteen  he  was  a 
captain  of  artillery  in  the  Revolution.  At  twenty- 
four,  a  veteran  of  the  late  war,  he  began  to  manage  the 
new  fledged  republic. 

Hamilton  served  in  the  Continental  Congress  the  next 
year  and  soon  after  called  a  general  constitutional 
convention  to  save  the  country.  When  the  Constitu- 
tion was  adopted  he  wrote  essays  on  it  for  the  Federal- 
ist and  people  used  to  go  three  blocks  to  meet  the 


92          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

postman  on  the  day  the  paper  came  out.  He  became 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury  which  at  this  time  had  a 
few  counterfeit  dollars  and  some  old  porous  plasters 
in  it  and  in  a  few  years  he  filled  that  treasury  so  full 
that  it  has  never  been  empty  since.  Before  he  was 
thirty-five  he  declined  to  become  Chief  Justice  and  re- 
tired to  a  well-earned  rest. 

Hamilton  never  became  president  but  enjoyed  him- 
self making  presidents  and  then  standing  in  the  wings 
and  prompting  them.  He  helped  Washington  through 
two  terms  and  then  suggested  that  Adams  be  elected. 
Adams  then  proceeded  to  Taftize  all  of  Hamilton's 
friends  in  the  government,  and  during  the  next  election, 
without  Hamilton's  help,  he  ran  like  a  stone  dog  set  in 
concrete.  Jefferson  and  Burr  tied  for  the  Presidency 
and  Hamilton  persuaded  Congress  to  elect  Jefferson. 

Burr  never  forgave  this  and  after  Hamilton  had 
helped  defeat  him  for  the  governorship  of  New  York, 
Burr  challenged  him  to  a  duel.  It  was  fought  at  Wee- 
hawken  and  Burr  got  his  revenge. 

Hamilton  was  forty-seven  years  old  when  he  died. 
He  had  fought  in  one  war,  staved  off  two  others,  or- 
ganized a  republic,  financed  it  and  had  elected  three 
presidents.  Still  there  are  people  who  believe  that 
young  men  should  be  seen  and  not  heard. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN    OUR    HISTORY     93 


JOHN  QUINCY  ADAMS 

ON  July   11,   1767,  John  Quincy  Adams,  sixth 
president   of  the  United   States,  was  born  in 
Massachusetts.     His  name  is  not  a  household 
word   and  his   face   does  not  appear  on  any  postage 
stamp.     Yet  no   American   ever  stirred  up  more  ill- 
feeling  during  his  life  or  was  busier  doing  it  or  had  a 
larger  public  career  or  more  patriotism  to  the  square 
inch  or  contributed  more  ancestors  and  descendants  to 
"  Who's  Who  In  America." 

Adams  was  an  infant  prodigy.  The  Adams'  had 
been  great  people  for  several  generations,  and  when 
John  Quincy  was  born,  his  father,  John,  was  helping 
to  form  the  United  States  of  America,  and  was  already 
thinking  out  a  few  hasty  remarks  to  make  when  he  be- 
became  president.  John  Quincy  Adams  was  a  learned 
man  at  ten,  and  was  secretary  to  an  embassy  to  Russia 
at  fifteen.  He  was  a  small,  pale  lad  with  a  head  like 
a  planet  and  he  kept  on  stuffing  it  with  Latin  and  po- 
litical economy  and  history  until  when  he  graduated 
from  Harvard  people  used  to  verify  their  encyclopedias 
by  him. 

John  Quincy  was  a  born  insurgent  and  attacked 
everything  violently  and  ably.  He  went  into  politics 
early  and  became  an  ambassador,  a  special  commis- 
sioner and  a  senator,  insurging  himself  out  of  office  each 
time  with  great  cheerfulness.  Later  he  taught  rhetoric 
in  Harvard  and  did  odd  jobs  such  as  writing  treaties 
and  doing  cabinet  work  under  Monroe.  He  was  uni- 


94          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

versally  admired  for  his  learning  and  the  way  in  which 
his  vast  polished  dome  of  reason  got  pink  and  flushed 
while  he  fed  nine-syllabled  eloquence  to  his  opponents, 
and  in  1824  he  was  elected  president  by  one  vote.  His 
old  father,  who  had  been  president  a  quarter  of  a  cen- 
tury before,  had  hung  around  until  he  was  past  ninety 
for  the  sake  of  conducting  his  son  to  the  White  House, 
and  he  died  happy  the  next  year. 

John  Quincy  Adams  served  four  years  with  great 
conscientiousness  and  no  tact,  standing  firmly  for  every- 
thing nobody  else  wanted,  and  making  enemies  with  al- 
most inconceivable  ardor.  He  was  defeated  for  reelec- 
tion by  an  enormous  majority,  but  did  not  mind  it, 
having  long  been  accustomed  to  defeat.  He  didn't  sit 
around  waiting  for  the  people  to  decide  what  to  do  with 
their  ex-president,  but  at  once  plunged  into  a  new  po- 
litical career,  going  to  Congress  on  an  Abolition  plat- 
form. He  served  seventeen  years  and  dropped  dead  in 
1848  in  the  middle  of  his  1187th  speech  against  the 
slave  traffic. 

John  Quincy  Adams  is  famous  chiefly  as  a  man  who 
was  willing  at  any  time  to  be  clubbed  over  the  head  be- 
cause of  his  principles.  He  is  also  growing  in  fame 
constantly  as  an  ancestor.  His  sons  and  grandsons  be- 
came famous,  and  the  Adams'  are  still  asked  to  sit  on 
the  stage  at  all  public  gatherings  in  Massachusetts. 


ARC   LIGHTS    IN   OUR   HISTORY     95 


ANDREW  JACKSON 

ON  March  15,  1767,  astronomers  noticed  most  of 
the  planets  in  violent  opposition  and  insurrec- 
tion, and  shortly  afterward  Andrew  Jackson, 
seventh  president  of  the  United  States,  was  born  in  a 
log  cabin  in  North  Carolina. 

Jackson  immediately  began  to  fight  his  way  to  the 
front,  having  no  father  and  no  bank  account  to  help 
him.  He  was  a  man  who  viewed  with  indignation  prac- 
tically everything  that  he  saw  in  his  long  and  sizzling 
life.  He  fought  men,  parties,  Indians,  States  and  for- 
eign powers  with  the  utmost  impartiality  and  enthusi- 
asm, and  had  the  dove  of  peace  on  toast  for  breakfast 
every  morning.  When  a  mere  boy  he  refused  to  black 
a  British  officer's  boots,  and  had  his  head  laid  open  by 
the  officer's  sword.  Later  in  life  he  caught  another 
British  general  at  New  Orleans,  and  licked  him  out  of 
his  boots  by  way  of  repartee.  He  caused  more  Indian 
obituaries  than  anyone  in  his  time,  and  he  counted  that 
day  lost  in  which  he  did  not  go  out  and  fight  a  duel 
with  someone  who  had  aspersed  his  honor,  or  his  party, 
or  his  opinions,  or  his  wife,  or  his  best  friend,  or  his 
cousin's  niece's  nephew. 

Jackson  had  no  education  to  speak  of,  but  was  full 
of  high  tension,  and  million  volt  opinions.  He  became 
the  leading  Democratic  statesman  of  Tennessee,  largely 
because  of  his  strong  constitution.  He  insurged  against 
every  president  from  Washington  to  Monroe,  and  after 
he  had  retired  of  old  age,  ran  against  John  Quincy 


96          SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Adams,  being  beaten  by  one  vote.  He  immediately  be- 
gan the  next  campaign  and  four  years  later,  having  an- 
nihilated Adams,  took  the  reins  of  state  and  began  driv- 
ing the  band  wagon  over  the  office  holders  of  the  Whig 
Party. 

Jackson  served  eight  years,  and  was  as  comfortable 
an  executive  as  a  buzz  saw.  He  ejected  office  holders 
who  didn't  assay  ninety-nine  per  cent.  Democrat,  fired 
cabinet  officials  whose  wives  didn't  fulfill  their  social 
duties,  being  the  only  man  on  record  to  handle  the  of- 
ficial wife  problem  successfully,  spanked  South  Caro- 
lina, threatened  France,  bluffed  England  and  kept  the 
ship  of  state  rocking  on  a  strong  gale.  He  had  a 
strong  antipathy  to  the  National  Bank,  and  when  he 
had  finished  with  it,  its  friends  did  not  recognize  the  re- 
mains. He  was  shot  at  by  an  assassin,  but  immediately 
retorted  with  his  cane  so  vigorously  that  the  man's  life 
was  saved  only  by  the  intercession  of  friends.  In  1836 
he  elected  Martin  Van  Buren  president,  and  retired  to 
the  Hermitage,  near  Nashville,  Tenn.,  where  he  gradu- 
ally cooled  off  and  became  extinct  in  1845. 

Jackson  is  revered  as  an  earnest,  sincere  man  who 
backed  up  his  beliefs  with  anything  handy,  and  was 
as  honest  as  his  own  powder.  According  to  our  post- 
age stamps,  he  was  thin  and  stern  of  face  with  tall,  fierce 
hair  and  a  horse  collar  coat.  He  rose  from  obscurity 
by  his  own  efforts,  and  no  efforts  of  his  traducers  in  the 
past  century  have  sufficed  to  push  him  back. 


LEADING   CITIZENS 

The  United  States  is  full  of  leading  citi- 
zens. Some  of  them  are  leading  us  onward 
and  upward;  some  of  them  are  leading  us 
backward  and  downward;  and  some  of  them 
are  leading  us  the  way  a  stone  hitching  post 
leads  a  span  of  tethered  mules. 


LEADING    CITIZENS  99 


WOODROW  WILSON 

WOODROW  WILSON,  Democrat,  is  one  of 
America's  most  fortunately  unlucky  men. 
Four  times  during  his  life  he  has  had  a  fine 
career  blasted  and  prematurely  closed  and  has  had  to 
step  into  something  better. 

When  Wilson  was  a  young  man,  he  studied  law,  and 
opened  an  office  in  Atlanta,  where,  had  he  remained, 
he  might  have  risen  to  eminence  and  acquired  a  big  busi- 
ness manufacturing  loopholes  for  corporations.  But 
he  knew  so  much  about  history  that  he  was  compelled  to 
give  up  the  law  and  go  back  to  Princeton  University 
where  he  remained  for  several  years  teaching  and  writ- 
ing. He  was  beginning  to  get  a  reputation  as  a  his- 
torian, to  say  nothing  of  a  check  every  few  months  from 
some  publishing  house,  when  another  great  misfortune 
struck  him  down.  He  had  to  give  up  history  and  be- 
come a  college  president. 

Undiscouraged  by  this,  Wilson  pulled  himself  to- 
gether and  ran  Princeton  College  for  many  years.  He 
was  beginning  to  be  reverenced  for  his  prospective  gray 
hairs  by  the  college  body,  when  in  1910  he  received  an- 
other jolt.  He  was  compelled  to  resign  as  president 
of  Princeton  and  become  Governor  of  New  Jersey ;  and 
once  more  with  his  new  work  just  begun  has  had  to  lay 
it  down  and  become  president  of  the  United  States. 

Woodrow  Wilson  was  born  in  Virginia  fifty-eight 
years  ago  and  has  been  the  eighth  native  born  Vir- 
ginian to  load  his  furniture,  on  the  Alexandria  ferry 


ioo         SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

and  slip  across  into  the  White  House.  He  is  a  studious 
man  with  a  large  hand-carved  face,  George  Ade  lips, 
and  scholastic,  reenforced  eyes.  He  is  a  lieutenant- 
general  of  words,  and  when  he  is  discussing  the  theories 
of  government,  has  to  be  translated  to  Democratic  pre- 
cinct leaders  by  some  personal  friend  of  the  dictionary. 
Wilson  left  the  law  because  he  knew  so  much  of  his- 
tory —  he  left  history  because  he  knew  so  much  about 
teaching;  he  left  his  college  because  he  knew  so  much 
politics,  and  he  left  the  state  house  because  he  knew  so 
much  about  politicians.  He  is  a  Princeton  graduate, 
a  golfer  and  a  father-in-law  of  brief  standing.  He 
has  few  friends  in  Washington  but  tKis  is  encouraging. 
The  president  who  begins  with  many  Washington 
friends  generally  loses  them  by  doing  his  duty.  While 
the  president  who  retires  with  more  friends  than  he  had 
when  he  began  is  missed  by  them  exclusively. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  101 


ROOSEVELT 

THEODORE  ROOSEVELT  is  a  portable  volcano 
who  has  been  roaming  through  history  over  the 
frames  of  the  suffering  opposition  for  the  last 
thirty-one  years.     He  is  best  known  as  an  ex-president 
of  the  United  States,  but  is  also  celebrated  as  an  au- 
thor, an  editor,  a  hunter  and  a  father,  while  Fate  in 
making  him  a  statesman  spoiled  a  mighty  good  pugilist, 
lumberman,  broncho  buster,  preacher,  policeman,  col- 
lege president,  ward  politician  and  professor  of  physical 
culture. 

Roosevelt  was  born  in  1858  but  had  no  marked  in- 
fluence on  the  Civil  War.  He  hurried  through  his 
youth  and  Harvard  University,  arriving  in  the  New 
York  legislature  at  the  age  of  twenty-three  and  begin- 
ning a  civil  service  reform  a  few  minutes  later.  Since 
then  he  has  battled  against  one  thing  or  another 
continually,  his  opponents,  including  Tammany,  De- 
mocracy, the  spoils  system,  Spaniards,  the  Bishop  of 
London,  panthers,  bears,  catamounts,  lions,  tigers, 
Egyptian  anarchists,  race  suicide,  Tom  Platt,  and 
Lorimer.  He  is  now  busily  engaged  in  planting  a  new 
crop  of  enemies  to  keep  him  happy  and  militant  until 
death  doth  him  part. 

Roosevelt  is  a  stout,  thick,  wide,  deep,  explosive  man 
with  a  square  head,  belligerent  hair,  dejected  downtrod- 
den mustache,  large  teeth  which  glisten  like  tombstones 
while  he  is  dismembering  the  opposition  in  seven-sylla- 


102         SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

bled  words  and  a  full-armored  fighting  under  jaw  which 
holds  the  marksmanship  record  in  American  politics. 

Roosevelt  is  now  fifty-six  years  old  and  has  found 
time,  besides  presidenting  seven  years,  to  raise  a  family 
of  six  children  and  one  grandchild,  to  reform  New  York, 
to  write  a  medium  sized  library,  to  learn  to  fry  bear 
steaks,  to  lose  his  fortune  in  the  cattle  business,  to  ac- 
quire a  backhand  return  in  tennis,  to  go  to  war,  to  do 
heavy  siege  gun  duty  as  editor,  to  clean  up  the  New 
York  police,  to  preach  to  several  nations  and  to  be  in- 
terviewed 1,879,543  times.  Five  years  ago  he  retired 
from  active  life  at  the  age  of  fifty-one  and  went  home 
to  Oyster  Bay.  By  exploring  Africa,  organizing  a  new 
political  party,  editing  a  magazine  and  touring  South 
America  he  has  been  able  to  amuse  himself  and  survive 
this  period  successfully.  But  he  is  said  to  be  tiring  of 
inactivity.  Those  wishing  volcanoes  capped  or  oceans 
pushed  back  off  of  their  property  would  do  well  to  give 
him  a  trial. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  103 


THOMAS  A.  EDISON 

THOMAS  A.  EDISON  is  one  of  America's  greatest 
men.  He  was  not  elected  to  this  position  nor 
did  he  obtain  it  by  guessing  which  way  some 
prominent  railway  stock  might  jump.  Other  American 
giants  may  fail  to  receive  a  majority  and  shrink  into 
common  tax  payers ;  they  may  absorb  one  railway  too 
many  and  retire  to  obloquy  a  few  jumps  ahead  of  the 
grand  jury.  But  Edison  goes  placidly  on  increasing 
his  size  each  year;  and  he  will  continue  to  do  so  as  long 
as  electricity  enjoys  the  popularity  which  it  does  at  the 
present  time. 

Edison  started  life  selling  peanuts  on  the  Grand 
Trunk  Railway  at  the  age  of  twelve  in  1859,  from  which, 
with  the  aid  of  mathematics  in  its  present  highly  per- 
fected state,  we  may  easily  deduce  the  fact  that  he  is 
now  sixty-seven  years  of  age.  He  published  a  news- 
paper at  the  age  of  fifteen  and  learned  telegraphy  a 
year  later,  but  caused  much  profanity  because  of  his 
fondness  for  reading  while  some  operator  at  the  other 
end  of  the  line  was  frantically  pounding  away  in  an  ef- 
fort to  attract  his  attention.  In  fact,  at  this  period 
Edison  was  so  unsuccessful  that  he  had  to  take  up  in- 
venting. The  field  was  remarkably  broad  at  that  time, 
very  few  things  worth  while  having  been  invented,  and 
Edison  was  soon  busy  day  and  night.  He  invented  the 
telegraph  repeater  and  the  stock  ticker,  and  sold  them 
for  a  small  fortune. 

This  was  the  most  perilous  point  in  Edison's  career, 


104        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

But  he  passed  safely  through  it.  He  did  not  buy  an 
automobile,  go  to  Europe  or  establish  his  family  in  so- 
ciety. He  did  not  buy  a  carload  of  assorted  mining 
stock  or  go  to  New  York  and  try  to  put  a  permanent 
crimp  in  Wall  Street.  Instead,  he  took  his  $40,000  and 
went  to  New  Jersey,  which  at  that  time  was  infested 
with  nothing  worse  than  mosquitoes.  There  he  built  a 
laboratory  and  began  to  work  up  an  intimate  acquaint- 
ance with  electricity,  which  was  then  almost  a  stranger 
in  our  midst. 

Edison  has  remained  in  New  Jersey  ever  since.  He 
has  made  three  hundred  inventions,  including  the  pho- 
nograph, the  telephone  transmitter,  the  aerophone,  the 
megaphone,  the  incandescent  lamp,  the  moving  picture 
and  the  long  distance  storage  battery.  He  has  become 
very  rich  indeed,  but  this  is  not  often  mentioned.  He  is 
more  interesting  than  his  bank  account. 

Edison  was  never  elected  to  any  office.  Nobody 
knows  what  clubs  he  belongs  to.  He  does  not  play  golf, 
and  few  people  have  seen  him  in  evening  clothes.  He 
is  a  genius,  and  the  proof  of  it  is  that  he  works  for 
twenty  hours  a  day  for  long  stretches. 

In  1876,  says  his  biographer,  Edison's  health  failed. 
This  is  important  information,  and  thousands  of  Amer- 
icans would  give  much  to  acquire  the  same  brand  of 
rickety  health.  A  busted  constitution  which  will  keep 
its  owner  happy  and  busy  twenty  hours  a  day  for  forty 
years  is  a  boon  greatly  to  be  desired. 


LEADING    CITIZENS  105 


AMERICA  has  contained  a  great  many  famous 
women,  of  whom  probably,  the  Goddess  of  Lib- 
erty and  Jane  Addams,  of  Chicago,  are  the  most 
popular  at  present. 

Many  an  American  girl  has  begun  her  career  with 
only  a  plain  gown  and  a  Sunday  dress  and  had  landed 
in  the  White  House  later  on.  Thus  far,  this  has  been 
due  to  their  extraordinary  sagacity  in  picking  hus- 
bands. The  first  duty  of  the  American  woman,  who  de- 
sires to  spend  four  years  in  the  White  House  bossing 
the  cook,  is  to  marry  a  man  who  is  a  good,  fluent  vote- 
getter.  Miss  Addams  has  ignored  this  duty  for  many 
years ;  yet  she  is  nearer  the  White  House  than  many  a 
woman  who  has  gone  valiantly  forth  and  married  the 
raw  material  of  a  cabinet  minister.  For,  if  woman  con- 
tinues to  march  briskly  through  custom  and  precedent 
as  she  has  been  doing  of  late,  some  American  woman 
may  yet  be  elected  president  —  and  in  this  case  those 
patriots  who  desire  to  represent  this  nation  in  foreign 
diplomatic  fields  had  better  become  original  Addams 
men. 

Miss  Addams  is  not  the  best  known  American  woman, 
but  she  could  probably  get  twice  as  many  votes  for 
president  as  any  other.  She  is  a  quiet,  demure  lady 
who  runs  a  citizen  repair  shop  in  Chicago.  Many 
years  ago  she  went  over  back  of  the  Chicago  River, 
where  the  ten  commandments  were  unknown  and  the 
statutes  of  Illinois  were  only  suspected.  She  has  lived 


io6        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

there  ever  since,  setting  a  sort  of  pattern  of  successful 
and  sanitarv  citizenship.  The  neighborhood  has  fol- 
lowed the  pattern  and  now  sends  out  teachers  to  wrestle 
with  the  plutocratic  sections  of  darkest  Chicago  in  an 
effort  to  bring  them  up  to  its  standard. 

Miss  Addams  built  Hull  House,  where  human  beings 
are  renovated  at  a  very  small  expense.  In  those  days, 
locomotives,  ships  and  corn  planters  were  designed  with 
great  skill,  but  the  citizen  was  fashioned  by  father  Time 
without  any  hindrance  from  anyone.  Since  then,  how- 
ever, it  has  become  the  custom  to  supervise  the  design- 
ing of  citizens  with  some  care,  and  as  Miss  Addams 
was  a  pioneer  in  the  business,  she  spends  much  of  her 
time  lecturing,  and  Hull  House  is  one  of  Chicago's  most 
popular  hotels. 

Miss  Addams  is  not  as  loud  as  some  of  our  leading 
prima  donnas  by  several  whoops,  but  some  of  her  quiet- 
est remarks  have  gone  around  the  world  several  times. 
She  is  one  of  the  most  successful  Americans  —  but  is 
not  rated  in  Bradstreets. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  107 


WILLIAM  J.  BRYAN 

WILLIAM  JENNINGS  BRYAN,  owner  of  an 
undivided  half  of  the  Democratic  Party  of 
this  nation,  was  born  in  Illinois  in  1860,  and 
began  the  discussion  of  politics  a  few  months  later.  At 
the  age  of  nineteen,  he  was  winning  oratorical  contests 
for  Illinois  College.  At  the  age  of  twenty-seven,  he 
was  addressing  a  few  seething  remarks  to  the  Repub- 
lican Party  in  Nebraska,  from  which  it  has  never  en- 
tirely recovered.  At  the  age  of  thirty-one,  he  began 
trying  out  new  and  deadlier  forms  of  oratory  upon 
Congress ;  and  at  the  age  of  thirty-six,  he  rose  in  the 
Democratic  National  Convention  and  swept  the  party 
into  his  pocket  with  a  few  deft  words. 

Mr.  Bryan  then  began  to  run  for  president,  a  habit 
of  which  he  has  only  recently  and  with  the  greatest 
difficulty  broken  himself.  He  was  almost  the  first  presi- 
dential candidate  to  run  for  the  office  by  train  instead  of 
by  rocking  chair.  When  Mr.  Bryan  runs  for  president 
he  climbs  onto  the  back  platform  of  a  train  and  for 
months  afterwards  section  hands  along  his  line  of  march 
pick  large  reverberating  words  out  of  the  surrounding 
scenery.  Mr.  Bryan  holds  the  long  distance  record  for 
oratory,  having  often  spoken  for  1,000  miles  at  a 
stretch,  with  only  short  pauses  between  stations. 

Mr.  Bryan  is  now  fifty-four  years  old.  He  is  a  short, 
heavy-set  man  with  a  wide  gauge  face  and  a  forehead 
which  extends  well  down  the  other  side  of  his  dome  of 
reason.  He  wears  his  remaining  hair  long  and  dark 


io8        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

and  is  not  addicted  to  whiskers.  He  is  a  plainly 
dressed  man  with  plain,  unvarnished  ways  and  half  the 
people  of  the  West  have  talked  with  him  at  one  time  or 
another  on  the  local  trains  on  which  he  has  spent  so 
much  of  his  life. 

Mr.  Bryan  has  been  a  lawyer,  soldier,  author  and 
traveler,  as  well  as  a  candidate.  At  present,  he  is  an 
editor,  farmer,  Chautauqua  lecturer  and  cabinet  officer. 
He  is  also  one  of  the  few  orators  remaining  in  captivity 
and  in  all  history  few  men  have  known  more  of  the  art 
of  producing  a  shimmering  sentence  of  silver  eloquence 
and  coiling  it  around  the  unwary  listener  until  he  is  a 
shouting  captive.  He  is  the  greatest  lecturer  in  the 
cabinet  and  he  is  also  the  greatest  secretary  of  state,  on 
the  lecture  platform  to-day. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  109 


JOHN  D.  ROCKEFELLER 

JOHN  D.  ROCKEFELLER,  one  of  the  most  fre- 
quently mentioned  citizens  of  the  United  States, 
lives  in  a  county  near  New  York  City,  which  he 
has  made  over  into  a  very  handsome  front  yard.  He 
also  has  a  residence  in  Cleveland,  Ohio,  where  he  lived 
many  years,  and  is  acquainted  with  several  people. 

Mr.  Rockefeller  is  famous  in  more  ways  than  any 
other  American,  with  the  possible  exception  of  that 
sterling  athlete,  hunter,  author,  explorer,  woodchopper, 
warrior,  preacher,  historian,  father  and  statesman,  Col. 
Roosevelt.  Mr.  Rockefeller  is  one  of  the  most  noted 
golfers  in  the  country.  He  has  never  won  a  cup,  but 
he  is  the  only  golfer  who  rides  after  his  ball  on  a  bicycle. 

Mr.  Rockefeller  is  also  the  nation's  most  famous 
Sunday  school  teacher.  He  has  a  large  class  in  New 
York  City  and  it  was  on  account  of  his  talks  to  young 
men  on  how  to  succeed  that  he  was  elected  to  honorary 
membership  in  the  American  Press  Humorists'  Associa- 
tion some  years  ago. 

Mr..  Rockefeller  is  also  noted  for  his  extravagance. 
Money  slips  through  his  hands  like  water.  No  sooner 
does  he  save  a  cent  a  gallon  on  the  price  of  transporting 
oil  than  he  lets  go  of  a  million  dollars  to  some  college 
or  other.  He  blew  in  $25,000,000  on  Chicago  Univer- 
sity in  ten  years,  thus  putting  the  record  of  the  most 
extravagant  senior  to  shame.  With  him  it  is  a  case  of 
saving  at  the  spigot  and  wasting  on  the  General  Edu- 
cation Board.  He  has  spent  $120,000,000  in  the  last 


no        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

twenty  years.  If  it  were  not  for  a  little  Standard  Oil 
stock  —  say  about  $500,000,000  worth  —  he  would  be 
a  poor  man  to-day. 

Mr.  Rockefeller  also  has  the  most  famous  head  of 
hair  in  the  country.  When  he  bought  it  reporters 
wrote  columns  about  it. 

Mr.  Rockefeller,  moreover,  is  famous  for  his  exclu- 
siveness.  He  does  not  go  to  tango  teas  or  Europe,  and 
has  never  been  elected  to  office.  He  is  personally  known 
to  very  few  citizens.  He  is  so  retiring  that  when  the 
government  wished  to  serve  a  witness  subpoena  on  him, 
some  years  ago,  it  took  a  hundred  deputy  sheriffs  sev- 
eral weeks  to  find  him. 

Mr.  Rockefeller  is  the  most  famous  ex-dyspeptic  in 
the  country.  Twenty  years  ago  he  could  not  swallow 
anything  except  dry  toast  and  competing  companies. 
Of  late  years,  however,  he  has  cut  out  both  of  these  ar- 
ticles of  diet  and  eats  everything  else  with  impunity. 

Mr.  Rockefeller  was  born  in  New  York  State  in  1839 
and  is  a  self-made  man.  He  used  to  sell  oil  for  a  liv- 
ing, but  retired  some  years  ago,  long  after  his  compet- 
itors had  started  life  over  again. 


11 1 


CORNELIUS  J.  McGILLICUDDY 

CORNELIUS  J.  McGILLICUDDY  is  not  known 
abroad,  and  will  probably  never  have  his  right- 
ful place  in  the  American  hall  of  fame.  Histori- 
ans ignore  him ;  statesmen  do  not  take  him  seriously, 
and  students  of  political  economy  try  to  look  him  up  in 
the  encyclopaedia  with  no  success  at  all.  Yet  Mr.  Mc- 
Gillicuddy  stands  to-day  one  of  the  most  eminent  of 
Americans ;  a  citizen  admired  by  millions  and  a  man 
whose  opinion  on  certain  subjects  will  be  printed  under 
flaring  headlines  all  over  the  country  at  a  time  when 
the  President  of  the  United  States  would  have  to  de- 
clare war  with  Mexico  in  order  to  edge  into  the  popular 
interest. 

Mr.  McGillicuddy's  birthplace,  age  and  early  career 
are  unimportant.  His  name  is  even  more  so.  He  was 
named  by  an  Irish  father,  who  had  plenty  of  time  and 
who  used  to  call  his  son  in  from  play  by  chapters. 
Cornelius  wore  his  full  name,  summer  and  winter  for 
many  years,  but  found  that  it  was  continually  getting 
tangled  among  his  feet  at  critical  moments.  For  this 
reason  he  pruned  it  down  some  years  ago  and  became 
Connie  Mack. 

Mr.  Mack,  it  is  necessary  to  explain  only  to  Eski- 
mos, English  visitors  and  the  Egyptian  mummy  in  the 
Metropolitan  Museum  of  Art,  is  manager  of  the  Phila- 
delphia baseball  team.  Since  Mr.  Chance  declined  and 
fell,  he  has  been  the  greatest  manager  at  large.  Mr. 
McGraw  has  a  way  of  winning  pennants  that  has  been 


112        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

greatly  admired,  but  Mr.  Mack  does  not  stop  with  pen- 
nants. He  proceeds  further  and  picks  up  world's 
championships  with  the  ease  and  grace  of  a  Los  Ange- 
les citizen  picking  oranges  from  his  bedroom  window. 

Three  times,  in  the  last  four  years,  Mr.  Mack's  cele- 
brated baseball  team  has  met  after  the  season  for  the 
purpose  of  discussing  the  world's  championship  with 
some  other  aggregation.  The  discussions  have  always 
been  brief  to  the  point  of  rudeness.  Mr.  Mack's  men 
have  a  way  of  injecting  a  home  run  into  the  conversa- 
tion at  an  unexpected  place  in  such  a  way  as  to  unhinge 
the  opposition  and  cast  a  gloom  over  the  entire  city  of 
New  York,  lasting  upwards  of  six  months. 

Mr.  Mack  began  life  as  a  poor  boy,  equipped  only 
with  prehensile  fingers  and  a  hair  trigger  thinkery. 
He  nows  owns  two  baseball  teams  —  Eddie  Collins  and 
the  rest  of  the  Philadelphia  club.  Because  of  his  suc- 
cess, a  good  many  boys,  who  once  aspired  to  become, 
President,  have  wavered,  and  are  studying  pinch-hit- 
ting. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  113 


JUDGE  LYNCH 

NEXT  to  John  Doe,  Judge  Lynch  is  the  most  fa- 
mous disreputable  character  in  the  United 
States.  He  is  a  native  citizen  and  cannot  be 
charged  up  to  immigration,  either. 

Judge  Lynch  holds  court  in  many  States,  chiefly  in 
the  South,  but  wherever  a  few  citizens  can  be  induced 
to  lay  aside  their  brains  and  civilization  for  a  few  min- 
utes and  elect  him.  His  court  room  is  the  open  air,  the 
prosecuting  attorney  a  masked  mob-leader  and  his  jury 
a  rope.  The  method  of  ascertaining  the  guilt  or  inno- 
cence of  the  defendant  is  very  simple.  The  defendant 
is  hanged  with  the  rope.  If  he  hangs  down  he  is  guilty. 
If  he  hangs  up  he  is  innocent.  Thus  far  no  defendant 
has  been  found  innocent  —  at  least,  not  until  long  after 
the  coroner's  verdict. 

Judge  Lynch  hangs  a  hundred  or  more  citizens  each 
year.  Generally  he  picks  out  detestable  villains  who 
deserve  to  die,  but,  sometimes,  for  amusement,  he  hangs 
horse  thieves,  chicken  thieves  and  negroes  who  speak 
disrespectfully  to  white  people.  When  the  Judge  gets 
tired  of  the  rope  he  uses  kerosene  and  fuel.  After  he 
has  burned  a  poor  shrieking  villain,  civilization  in  that 
vicinity  goes  down  100  degrees  and  remains  there  for  a 
generation. 

Judge  Lynch  doesn't  know  any  law,  and  doesn't  care 
to.  He  can  hang  a  man  without  law.  In  this  he  has 
a  distinct  advantage  over  an  American  court,  which 
usually  can't  hang  a  man,  even  with  the  assistance  of 


114        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

twenty  law  books  weighing  six  pounds  apiece.  After 
Judge  Lynch  has  looked  on  while  a  prosecuting  attor- 
ney has  spent  five  or  six  years  trying  to  get  a  rapist 
or  murderer  into  the  penitentiary  and  has  failed  right 
along  because  the  color  of  the  whiskers  of  the  man  who 
made  the  paper  on  which  the  indictment  was  written  was 
unconstitutional,  he  smiles  a  contemptuous  smile  and 
does  the  job  in  an  hour. 

If  Judge  Lynch  had  more  competition  he  wouldn't 
have  so  much  business.  If  men  were  punished  for  their 
crimes  in  this  inordinately  free  country  he  would  soon 
be  compelled  to  sell  out  below  cost  and  go  to  Mexico  or 
Central  Africa.  But  as  long  as  the  technicality  can 
bob  up  serenely  in  every  trial  and  keep  justice  wait- 
ing like  a  freight  train  with  a  dead  engine  on  a  side 
track,  reckless  people  will  continue  to  speak  with  scorn 
of  the  ordinary  judge  and  patronize  the  old  scoundrel. 


LEADING   CITIZENS  115 


COLONEL  BOGIE 

COLONEL  BOGIE  has  been  one  of  the  most  promi- 
nent citizens  of  the  British  Isles  for  the  past 
century  and  of  late  years  has  been  very  popular 
in  the  United  States. 

The  Colonel  is  very  popular  because  so  many  people 
are  anxious  to  meet  him.  However,  he  seems  to  have 
no  particular  fascination  because  when  a  man  has  met 
him  his  next  desire  is  to  get  away  from  him.  When  a 
man  has  once  met  Colonel  Bogie  he  isn't  satisfied  until 
he  has  proven  to  the  world  that  he  is  better  than  the 
Colonel  is.  And  from  this  time  on  they  are  deadly  ene- 
mies. 

The  Colonel  inhabits  the  golf  courses  of  the  world 
and  is  singularly  retiring  in  disposition.  Many  men  of 
excellent  character  and  high  social  standing  spend 
years  trying  to  meet  him  and  never  succeed.  Nothing 
can  be  sadder  than  the  sight  of  an  eminent  citizen  in 
whiskers  and  khaki  pants  toiling  profanely  around  a 
golf  course  one  stroke  behind  the  Colonel  and  swelling 
up  into  a  purple  balloon  with  conversation  every  time 
he  messes  up  his  approach. 

Yet  the  Colonel  will  be  most  approachable  to  a  six- 
teen-year-old youngster  with  an  old  discarded  driver 
and  a  few  second-hand  balls  and  will  spend  all  summer 
in  his  company.  People  have  strange  tastes  and  none 
stranger  than  this  mysterious  gent. 

Colonel  Bogie  can  be  met  any  day  during  the  season 
by  the  simple  process  of  driving  a  golf  ball  around  a 


ii6        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

nine-hole  course  in  somewhere  between  thirty-nine  and 
forty-five  strokes.  When  this  is  done  he  becomes  very 
friendly  and  can  be  approached  time  after  time  with 
very  pleasant  results.  However,  there  are  many  men 
who  prefer  the  club  porch  method  of  meeting  the  Colo- 
nel. By  this  method  the  golfist  sits  all  afternoon  in  the 
shade  of  a  tall  sheltering  high  ball  and  talks  about  driv- 
ing the  fourth  hole  in  three  and  approaching  210  yards 
over  a  peach  orchard.  The  Colonel  is  like  other  fa- 
mous men.  Many  of  his  most  intimate  friends  have 
never  really  met  him. 

The  Colonel  for  so  popular  a  man  is  singularly  quiet. 
He  never  says  anything  at  all.  However,  this  is  be- 
cause he  seldom  has  a  chance.  His  admirers  do  all  the 
conversing  while  chasing  him. 


POLITICAL   PHENOMENA 

No  feature  of  this  country  is  so  strange 
and  interesting  to  the  casual  visitor  from  the 
haunts  of  nobility  as  our  politics.  No  nation 
understands  our  politics,  least  of  all  the  reck- 
less countries  which  have  tried  to  run  the 
complicated  machinery  of  freedom  without 
any  talent  for  mechanics  of  that  sort. 

Our  politics  has  been  severely  criticized 
by  Europeans  for  almost  150  years  and  up- 
wards of  100,000,000  of  the  said  Europeans 
have  moved  over  here  in  order  to  live  com- 
fortably and  happily  while  criticizing. 


POLITICAL    PHENOMENA        119 


SENATORS 

A  SENATOR  is  a  very  great  man  who  has  been 
able  to  get  a  State  legislature  by  the  neck  and 
choke  a  $7,500  a  year  call  from  his  country  out 
of  it. 

Senators  are  very  keen  of  hearing  and  sometimes  can 
detect  their  country's  call  when  it  isn't  loud  enough  to 
be  heard  beyond  a  very  small  room  in  a  hotel.  But 
after  they  have  gone  to  Washington  to  toil  in  the  Capi- 
tol, they  often  get  surprisingly  deaf.  You  can  call  to 
a  Senator  for  three  years  and  make  so  much  noise  that 
the  Statue  of  Columbia  on  top  of  the  Capitol  will  keep 
her  hands  on  her  ears  for  months  at  a  time,  but  your 
Senator  will  only  report  to  the  President  that  he  has 
heard  no  evidence  of  disaffection  in  his  State.  Sena- 
torial work  is  terribly  hard  on  the  ears. 

Senators  will  henceforth  be  elected  by  popular  bal- 
lot which  will  be  a  great  improvement.  It  used  to  take 
some  legislatures  so  long  to  elect  two  Senators  every 
six  years  that  they  had  no  time  left  in  which  to  consider 
the  child  labor  question  and  the  uniform  divorce  law. 

A  Senator  is  supposed  to  act  as  a  regulator  for  the 
House  of  Representatives.  Each  Senator  has  about 
four  and  a  half  Representatives  to  regulate  and  the  job 
is  evidently  a  very  severe  one  for  only  fifteen  of  the 
present  Senators  have  been  able  to  hold  it  for  more  than 
ten  years. 

When  a  Senator  goes  to  Washington  he  becomes  a 
very  important  personage  and  lives  in  the  lap  of  lux- 


120        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

ury.  The  Government  buys  his  office  furniture  and 
letter  paper  and  soap  and  perfumery  and  tooth-brushes 
and  bath  towels  and  hair  restorer,  and  when  he  leaves 
the  Capitol  at  noon  after  a  hard  day's  work,  he  finds 
some  Captain  of  Industry  waiting  to  take  him  down 
town  in  a  gasoline  chariot  and  buy  him  a  cigar  with  a 
red,  white  and  blue  belt  around  it.  All  this  is  so  com- 
fortable that  most  Senators  are  very  much  averse  to 
change.  They  want  to  remain  just  as  they  are  for- 
ever, but  unfortunately  the  hardness  of  hearing  which 
develops  in  Washington  owing  to  its  isolation  from  the 
home  line  of  opinion  compels  most  of  them  to  retire 
from  office  by  request  after  a  few  years. 

The  Senate  is  a  solemn  deliberative  body  and  is  beau- 
tiful to  watch.  Senators  are  very  courteous  to  each 
other  except  to  those  Senators  who  talk  their  way  into 
the  body.  Talk  is  cheap  and  there  is  nothing  cheap 
about  the  Senate.  Take  it  all  around  the  job  is  not 
what  it  once  was.  A  plug  hat  and  a  pocket  full  of 
checks  do  not  always  cinch  the  election  any  more.  A 
candidate  has  to  show  reasons  why  he  should  get  in  and 
then  has  to  turn  right  around  and  show  reasons  why  he 
shouldn't  get  out.  Between  these  two  a  Senator  some- 
times only  has  a  chance  to  feel  proud  and  lofty  for 
about  one  week  out  of  the  fifty-two. 


POLITICAL   PHENOMENA        121 


THE  CONGRESSMAN 

THE  Congressman  is  a  representative  of  the 
plain  people,  and  is  employed  by  them  as  an  er- 
rand boy  in  the  national  Capitol  at  Washington. 
There  is  only  one  Congressman  for  every  200,000 
people,  and  he  is  consequently  very  busy.  Between 
packing  up  garden  seeds  for  Bill  Jones,  pushing  Ike 
Smith's  pension  through,  trying  to  get  a  job  in  the 
census  department  for  Orson  Brown's  daughter  and 
towing  old  Sam  Green  around  the  city  of  Washington  on 
a  sight-seeing  tour,  he  only  has  time  to  legislate  about 
one  hour  a  day.  Some  constituents  treat  their  Con- 
gressman very  cruelly,  compelling  him  to  carry  their 
overcoats  and  pay  for  their  cabs  while  in  Washington, 
while  others  are  more  thoughtful,  merely  requesting 
them  now  and  then  to  have  Congress  dig  out  a  dry  run 
on  their  farms  and  make  a  ship  canal  connecting  with  a 
horse  pond,  in  order  to  help  business  during  its  con- 
struction. 

Congressmen  are  elected  from  districts  some  of  which 
look  like  the  ground  plan  of  a  dying  rattlesnake.  The 
job  pays  $7,500  and  carfare  to  Australia  each  year, 
and  is  therefore  very  desirable.  Most  men  start  run- 
ning for  Congress  at  twenty  and  land  about  'thirty 
years  later.  When  the  newly  elected  Congressman  ar- 
rives in  Washington  he  is  taken  to  the  Speaker,  who 
gives  him  a  brass  collar  with  a  number  on  it,  and  he  is 
then  given  a  private  room  in  a  beautiful  four-acre  mar- 
ble office  building  which  has  hot  and  cold  water  and  de- 
tectives in  it. 


122        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

There  are  about  fifty  Congressmen  and  350  occu- 
pants of  seats  in  Congress.  The  former  make  the  laws 
and  the  latter  help  explain  them  to  the  people  back 
home.  A  Congressman  is  forbidden  to  spend  more 
than  $5,000  to  get  elected,  but  the  law  does  not  limit 
the  amount  which  he  can  spend  for  board  in  Washing- 
ton. Congressmen  are  viewed  by  landladies  in  Wash- 
ington as  a  vested  interest,  and  any  law  to  prevent  a 
Congressman  from  paying  his  entire  quarterly  check 
for  hotel  accommodations  would  be  carried  to  the  Su- 
preme Court  as  an  attack  on  property  rights. 

Congressmen  frequently  live  to  a  great  age  —  but 
not  as  Congressmen.  The  mortality  among  Congress- 
men is  even  greater  than  it  is  among  Senators.  The 
recent  epidemic  of  November,  1912,  swept  almost  200  of 
them  away.  Congressmen  survive  by  voting  on  the  right 
side  of  popular  measures,  and  those  who  succeed  in 
guessing  the  right  side  give  up  magnificent  careers  as 
weather  prophets  and  second  sight  mediums  in  order  to 
do  so. 


POLITICAL   PHENOMENA        123 


THE  PRESIDENT 

THE  President  of  the  United  States  is  a  good  and 
wise  man,  who  is  elected  by  the  people  to  give 
tone  to  politics  in  Washington.     He  is  popu- 
larly supposed  to  run  the  country,  too,  but  he  doesn't. 
He  merely  looks  over  the  train  sheets. 

The  President  serves  four  years.  Some  of  the  most 
durable  have  served  eight  years.  He  gets  $75,000  a 
year  and  lives  in  the  White  House,  a  large  mansion, 
completely  surrounded  by  newspaper  reporters.  He 
doesn't  get  his  salary  for  living  in  the  White  House,  but 
it  is  said  to  be  worth  the  money. 

The  President  usually  rises  to  his  high  office  from  ob- 
scurity, and  goes  back  there  promptly  as  soon  as  his 
term  is  over.  Only  native-born  Americans  can  be 
President.  This  discourages  immigrants  so  that  they 
rarely  go  into  politics.  They  go  into  business  instead, 
and  become  aldermen. 

It  is  the  duty  of  the  President  to  veto  all  bills  passed 
by  the  opposition,  to  see  that  the  Cabinet  chairs  are 
freshly  filled  each  morning,  and  to  eat  whatever  is  set 
before  him,  no  matter  how  badly  the  banquet  committee 
may  have  fallen  down.  He  must  fit  a  Pullman  car 
berth  neatly,  must  enjoy  seeing  his  features  warped  all 
out  of  shape  by  cartoonists,  and  must  give  reporters 
and  writers  any  desired  details  about  his  way  of  shaving 
or  his  brand  of  socks  or  the  way  in  which  he  ties  his 
shoes.  The  President  is  public  property,  and  is  never 
allowed  to  forget  the  fact.  The  public  is  very  hard  on 


124        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Presidents  too,  just  as  it  is  on  the  rest  of  its  property. 
Very  few  Presidents  live  very  long,  after  their  escape. 

The  President  works  very  hard  and  is  worked  even 
more  heartlessly.  In  former  days,  executives  were  very 
poor  house-cleaners,  but  nowadays  the  President  who 
didn't  clean  up  at  least  a  department  of  government  a 
week  would  be  accused  of  incredible  carelessness.  The 
chief  exercises  of  Presidents  are  shaking  hands  and  of- 
fice seekers.  Presidents  are  of  various  denominations. 
Some  are  Episcopalians,  some  Presbyterians  and  one 
or  two  have  been  thirty-cent  pieces.  Candidates  for 
the  presidency  are  chosen  by  influential  politicians  in  a 
national  yell  Marathon  held  every  four  years.  The 
candidate  getting  the  longest  yell  is  nominated. 

The  Presidents  have  all  been  noble,  honest  men.  They 
are  even  grander  and  nobler  after  death,  for  then  even 
the  opposition  admits  it.  If  a  President  works  hard 
and  makes  good,  he  gets  into  the  hall  of  fame,  and  has 
100,000  namesakes.  Later  on  some  of  the  namesakes 
are  arrested  for  horse-stealing.  There's  nothing  much 
in  a  name. 


POLITICAL   PHENOMENA 


STANDPATTERS 

THE  United  States  has  a  good  many  political  par- 
ties but  only  two  kinds  of  politicians :  stand- 
patters and  insurgents. 

A  standpatter  is  a  stationary  statesman  who  is  sat- 
isfied with  majorities  as  they  are. 

Standpatters  have  existed  ever  since  Noah's  time, 
when  a  large  number  of  this  great  mariner's  friends 
pronounced  the  forty  days'  rain  to  be  only  a  slight  lo- 
cal disturbance  of  no  national  bearing.  Lot's  wife  was 
another  eminent  standpatter.  She  remained  for  cen- 
turies entirely  motionless  and  looking  steadfastly  back- 
ward. , 

The  standpatter  believes  there  is  a  future,  but  does 
not  believe  in  trying  to  haul  it  into  the  present  by  the 
neck.  Political  standpatters  are  satisfied  with  last 
year's  laws  and  social  standpatters  are  satisfied  with 
last  year's  shirts.  There  has  also  arisen  a  new  brand 
of  standpatters  who  are  regarded  with  great  contempt 
in  some  quarters  because  they  are  satisfied  with  last 
year's  wife. 

Opinion  varies  as  to  the  virtues  of  standpatters. 
We  have  the  word  of  eminent  statesmen  to  the  effect 
that  to  stand  pat  is  to  rely  upon  the  wisdom  of  the  past, 
tempered  with  a  firm  tolerance  of  the  present  and  a 
cautious  survey  of  the  future.  We  have  the  word  of 
other  statesmen  to  the  effect  that  standpatism  is  a  self- 
satisfied  complacency  merged  with  an  intellectual  timid- 
ity and  surrounded  by  an  impenetrable  jungle  of  prece- 


126        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

dent,  predestination,  paternalism,  pantheism,  plutoc- 
racy and  pooh-bah.  The  insurgent  says  that  stand- 
patism  is  a  fungus,  jealous  of  a  jackrabbit,  because  the 
latter  can  move;  a  second-hand  kedge  anchor  buried  in 
the  mud  and  waiting  for  the  ship  of  state  to  come  back 
and  tie  up  to  it ;  a  mournful  and  neglected  hen  setting 
on  a  china  egg;  a  crawfish  hole  calling  on  the  sun  to  re- 
volve around  it  because  it  refuses  to  budge. 

However,  this  is  nothing  to  what  the  standpatter 
calls  the  insurgent.  One  standpatter  recently  alluded 
to  insurgency  as  a  merry-go-round  racing  with  the  hori- 
zon to  the  music  of  a  steam  calliope. 

A  standpatter  doesn't  allude  to  the  wheels  of  prog- 
ress, but  to  the  obelisk  of  accomplishment.  His  fa- 
vorite hymn  is  "  As  it  was  in  the  beginning,  is  now  and 
ever  shall  be,"  and  his  model  is  the  wooden  Indian  which 
has  done  business  for  fifty  years  in  America  and  which 
has  never  taken  a  step  forward  or  made  a  single  mis- 
take. 


POLITICAL    PHENOMENA        127 


BOOMS 

A  BOOM,  according  to  the  dictionary,  is  a  num- 
ber of  things  among  which  is  a  loud  noise. 
Some  booms  of  this  sort  are  produced  by 
cannon,  and  are  exceedingly  hard  on  the  ears.     Others 
are  produced  by  admiring  friends,  and  are  terribly  de- 
bilitating to  the  pocketbook.     America  is  the  home  of 
the  complimentary  boom. 

When  a  prominent  citizen  becomes  afflicted  with  a 
boom,  it  must  be  given  attention  at  once.  A  very  small 
boom,  the  size  of  a  man's  hand  on  the  inside  sheet  of  a 
newspaper,  may  grow  in  a  single  week  to  an  entire  head- 
quarters with  a  campaign  manager,  a  barrel  and  many 
other  distressing  complications. 

Booms  are  usually  started  by  devoted  friends  for  the 
purpose  of  making  a  man  president,  or  senator,  or  Con- 
gressman, or  legislator,  or  county  clerk,  or  alderman,  or 
poundmaster.  A  man  who  is  no  horticulturist  at  all 
can  go  out  in  February  and  start  a  bumper  crop 
of  booms.  Along  in  May  or  June,  however,  it  takes  a 
mighty  skillful  gardener  to  nurse  the  boom  along  and 
protect  it  from  frost.  Booms  are  very  susceptible  to 
frost  and  can  detect  it  when  nothing  else  can.  A  boom 
can  lie  down  and  freeze  to  death  while  its  owner  is  going 
without  a  collar  and  gasping  for  breath  in  the  fierce 
June  sun.  Even  a  chilly  word  will  sometimes  cause  a 
boom,  which  has  spread  over  several  States,  to  curl  up 
and  die  in  a  single  night. 

The  longest  lived  boom   is   the  presidential  boom. 


128        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

These  prey  upon  the  favorite  sons  of  the  various  States 
and  may  last  as  long  as  twenty  years,  requiring  a  vast 
amount  of  fertilizing  and  trimming  in  the  meantime. 
A  presidential  boom  may  be  killed  down  to  the  roots  in 
half  a  dozen  conventions,  only  to  shoot  blithely  forth 
two  years  later  and  bloom  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 
Vice-presidential  booms  are  of  two  sorts  —  those 
started  with  a  view  to  interring  some  prominent  man 
in  the  Vice-Presidency  and  those  which  attempt  to  hoist 
an  unprominent  man  into  the  same  position.  Chas. 
W.  Fairbanks  and  James  S.  Sherman  were  successfully 
entombed  by  the  first  method,  but  it  backfired  in  the 
case  of  T.  Roosevelt.  By  the  latter  method,  social 
and  political  debts  can  be  paid  and  it  has  now  become 
the  custom  for  a  newspaper  to  mention  a  man  for  the 
Vice-presidency  whenever  he  pays  his  subscription  two. 
years  in  advance. 


POLITICAL    PHENOMENA        129 


THE  ELECTORAL  COLLEGE 

THE  Electoral  College  is  one  of  our  poorest  insti- 
tutions of  learning.  It  has  no  curriculum,  no 
professors,  no  yell,  and  holds  only  one  session 
every  four  years.  It  would  take  a  genius  to  learn  any- 
thing in  the  Electoral  College,  but  it  is  very  popular 
for  all  that,  and  thousands  of  men  would  feel  highly 
honored  if  they  had  an  Electoral  College  education. 

The  Electoral  College  has  a  trifle  over  five  hundred 
students,  but  they  couldn't  score  a  touch-down  on  a 
well-trained  high-school  team.  They  have  no  coach 
and  do  not  even  maintain  a  glee  club.  The  College 
never  had  even  a  set  of  colors  except  in  the  campaign  of 
1896,  when  it  adopted  gold.  It  is  a  very  old  school, 
having  been  organized  in  1788  by  the  builders  of  the 
Constitution  in  an  effort  to  remove  the  mental  wear 
and  tear  of  electing  a  president  from  the  common  peo- 
ple. The  framers  of  the  Constitution  didn't  have  much 
faith  in  the  taste  of  the  common  people  as  far  as  presi- 
dents went,  and  thought  they  were  doing  a  pretty  fine 
thing  in  letting  the  people  elect  the  constables  and  legis- 
lators —  an  opinion  in  which  a  great  many  well- 
groomed  gentlemen  with  automobiles  still  agree.  But 
after  the  Congress  had  come  within  one  vote  of  electing 
Aaron  Burr  president,  the  c.  p.  shivered  slightly  and 
took  up  the  electing  job  themselves. 

Since  that  time  the  life  of  the  presidential  elector  has 
been  one  of  great  ease.  His  work  is  light  and  requires 
no  strain  on  the  intellect.  He  is  nominated  because 


130        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

of  his  age  and  respectability  and  is  coached  in  his  job 
by  the  voters  in  the  November  election.  After  his 
State  has  indicated  its  choice  for  President,  it  allows 
him  to  go  to  the  State  capital  and  cast  its  vote  with  a 
nice  new  lead  pencil.  Then  he  comes  home  and  rests 
on  his  laurels  until  he  dies,  when  the  city  newspapers 
give  him  two  lines  and  recall  the  fact  that  he  was  once 
an  elector. 

The  Electoral  College  was  invented  because  in  the 
early  days  each  State  considered  itself  to  be  more  im- 
portant than  the  nation  and  insisted  on  expressing  its 
ideas  as  a  State  and  not  as  a  population.  But  since 
State  lines  have  become  so  dim  that  only  sheriffs  and 
railroads  can  tell  where  they  are  the  College  has  become 
not  only  useless  but  a  good  deal  of  a  nuisance  and  will 
probably  be  cleaned  out  and  boarded  up  in  the  near  fu- 
ture. 


POLITICAL   PHENOMENA        131 


JUDGES 

THERE  is  very  little  majesty  and  awful  omnipo- 
tence in  the  United  States,  and  most  of  what 
there  is  is  possessed  by  our  judges. 

There  is  nothing  about  a  baby  to  indicate  that  he 
will  become  a  judge.  When  he  becomes  a  youth  other 
boys  mingle  with  him  freely,  and  sit  on  his  head  with 
the  utmost  cheerfulness  and  abandon.  Even  after  he 
grows  into  manhood  his  future  is  concealed  so  carefully 
that  people  often  slap  him  on  the  back  and  sometimes 
on  the  jaw  as  if  he  were  only  a  common  citizen.  But 
suddenly,  in  the  post  meridian  of  his  life,  he  becomes  a 
judge  and  people  look  at  the  spot  where  he  was  a  min- 
ute before  as  other  people  looked  at  the  spot  where  Eli- 
jah stood  when  he  flagged  the  fiery  chariot. 

Some  people  claim  that  they  can  tell  when  a  man  is 
going  to  become  a  judge.  But  they  do  not  do  it  by 
looking  at  his  features.  They  happen  to  be  well  ac- 
quainted with  some  politician. 

After  a  man  has  become  a  judge  he  is  a  solemn  and 
awful  person  with  a  perpetual  headache  caused  by  an 
overhanging  brow.  His  duty  is  to  sit  behind  a  mahog- 
any pulpit  in  a  court  room  and  decide  that  because  the 
murderer  was  indicted  in  words  of  two  syllables,  instead 
of  the  seven-syllable  words  which  are  legal  tender  in 
court  rooms,  he  is  not  guilty  and  the  murdered  person 
isn't  dead  after  all.  It  is  also  the  duty  of  the  judge 
to  interpret  the  law  and  to  preside  as  referee  over  rival 
attorneys  and  to  instruct  jurors,  or  take  the  case  away 


132         SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

from  them  if  they  are  not  wise  enough  to  decide  it,  and 
to  furnish  politicians  with  something  to  worship.  After 
a  man  becomes  a  judge  he  is  a  part  of  our  great  ju- 
diciary and  can  do  no  wrong.  He  may  have  been  ap- 
pointed by  a  red-faced  ward  boss  as  a  reward  for  steal- 
ing ballot  boxes,  but  after  he  is  appointed  he  is  sacred 
and  the  person  who  disputes  his  decisions  strikes  a  blow 
at  the  bulwarks  of  national  freedom. 

We  are  allowed  to  criticise  the  President  and  the 
Twelve  Apostles,  but  when  we  criticise  a  judge  we  are 
fined  for  contempt  of  court.  Contempt  of  court  is 
very  costly.  It  would  cost  over  $1,000,000  to  buy 
enough  contempt  for  some  courts. 

There  are  four  kinds  of  judges  —  good  judges,  bad 
judges,  worse  judges  and  ex-politicians.  Some  judges 
are  appointed  for  life  and  only  Heaven  or  a  hostile 
party  majority  in  Congress  can  remove  them.  The 
President  is  only  a  timid,  unimportant  individual  who 
retires  in  a  few  years  and  can  be  sassed  by  anybody, 
but  tornadoes  and  life  judges  are  not  annoyed  very 
much  by  onlookers.  We  do  not  have  lese  majeste  in 
this  country,  but  those  men  who  have  made  a  few  brief 
remarks  about  the  decisions  of  a  federal  judge  and  have 
worn  out  a  felon's  cell  in  consequence  feel  that  in  con- 
tempt of  court  we  have  a  substitute  which  is  giving 
equally  good  satisfaction. 


POLITICAL    PHENOMENA        133 


THE  VICE-PRESIDENT 

THE  Vice-president  is  first  gentleman  in  waiting 
to  the  President  of  the  United  States.  He  gets 
$12,000  a  year  and  feed  for  his  horse,  which  is 
not  as  much  as  he  would  get  if  he  waited  in  a  New  York 
restaurant  instead  of  in  Washington. 

The  Vice-president  is  elected  by  the  people  and  be- 
comes President  if  the  President  dies.  If  the  President 
lives  the  Vice-president  dies  —  politically.  And  yet  the 
government  professes  to  disapprove  of  gambling. 

There  have  been  twenty-seven  Vice-presidents  and 
seven  of  them  have  survived  in  history  as  Presidents. 
John  Adams,  Thomas  Jefferson,  Martin  Van  Buren, 
John  Tyler,  Millard  Fillmore,  Andrew  Johnson,  Ches- 
ter A.  Arthur  and  Theodore  Roosevelt  took  a  chance 
and  won  —  though  Tyler  and  Johnson  would  have  been 
happier  if  they  had  lost. 

When  elected,  the  Vice-president  quits  work  and  pre- 
sides over  the  United  States  Senate.  He  is  merely  a 
referee,  however,  and  is  not  allowed  to  bang  the  mem- 
bers about  as  the  Speaker  of  the  House  does.  When 
his  term  expires  the  Vice-president  retires  to  his  home, 
after  which  he  can  be  found  in  the  encyclopaedia  by  a 
man  with  a  good  memory.  There  are  now  three  living 
ex-Vice-presidents,  which  fact  is  not  generally  sus- 
pected. This  also  proves  that  Vice-presidenting  is  not 
as  wearing  on  the  constitution  as  Presidenting.  A  man 
can  be  Vice-president  and  still  remain  partially  alive 
for  forty  years  afterward, 


134        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Vice-presidential  candidates  are  chosen  by  national 
conventions  as  a  relaxation  after  the  exhausting  labor 
of  choosing  Presidents.  Sometimes  a  willing  victim  is 
found,  but  the  job  is  usually  wished  on  someone  by  a 
committee  which  meets  in  the  grillroom  of  the  leading 
hotel  and  draws  a  black  bean  out  of  a  hat.  To  be  a 
good  Vice-president  a  man  must  have  a  name  which  har- 
monizes well  with  that  of  the  Presidential  nominee.  He 
must  be  able  to  wear  dignified  clothes  successfully,  to 
shake  hands  fluently,  sit  for  a  handsome  picture  and  re- 
main silent  in  seventeen  languages  for  at  least  four 
years.  He  should  have  money,  but  should  not  object  to 
parting  with  it.  And  he  should  also  be  in  sufficiently 
good  condition  to  keep  for  four  years  without  the  use 
of  preservatives. 

Vice-presidents  are  ornamental  but  not  useful,  and  we 
are  constantly  in  danger  of  having  them  become  Presi- 
dents. The  Vice-president  should  be  given  $100,000  a 
year  and  two  votes  in  the  Senate.  This  would  tempt 
full  sized  statesmen  into  the  job  and  the  country  would 
not  shudder  so  convulsively  whenever  the  President 
catches  a  slight  cold. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS 

The  United  States  produces  everything 
except  kings,  poetry  and  old  masters  in  great 
abundance.  Although  only  one-third  of  its 
area  is  cultivated  and  that  in  the  most  casual 
manner,  no  American  women  working  in  the 
fields,  it  is  the  richest  country  in  the  world. 
An  ear  of  corn  planted  in  the  spring  will  feed 
a  fat  hog  all  winter;  and  one  thousand  dol- 
lars properly  high-financed  will  feed  a  some- 
what thinner  one  for  a  lifetime. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS  137 


CORN 

CORN  is  called  king  in  most  of  the  United  States, 
but  this  is  saying  a  great  deal  too  much  for  the 
King  business. 

Kings  are  all  right  in  their  way,  but  no  king  has 
kept  30,000,000  people  fat  and  happy  by  his  own  un- 
aided efforts,  or  has  stuck  to  his  job  for  twenty- four 
hours  a  day  through  a  long,  hot  summer.  When  a  king 
dies  his  subjects  drop  a  respectful  tear  and  then  send 
for  the  undertaker's  wagon  and  a  goldsmith  to  cut  down 
the  crown  to  fit  the  next  king.  But  when  corn  turns 
yellow  and  black  and  gray  and  expires  before  the  har- 
vest, half  a  great  nation  mourns  for  a  whole  year  and 
refuses  to  buy  new  clothes,  and  cuts  off  its  subscription 
to  the  local  newspapers  and  votes  against  the  adminis- 
tration with  great  firmness  and  biliousness. 

Corn  is  raised  as  a  food  by  millions  of  farmers,  but 
is  not  absorbed  directly  by  the  American  people  in  any 
great  quantities.  It  is  used  largely  to  upholster  hogs 
and  cattle.  A  small  red  pig,  if  allowed  to  eat  a  crib  of 
corn,  will  produce  enough  ham  and  breakfast  bacon  to 
keep  a  family  fat  and  financially  busted  for  three 
months,  and  a  thin  cow  with  a  backbone  like  the  ridge- 
pole of  a  cathedral,  can  so  disguise  herself  by  eating 
corn  for  a  few  months  that  the  packer  will  mistake  her 
for  a  silver  mine  and  sell  her  for  thirty  cents  a  pound. 

Corn  is  planted  in  the  spring  and  grows  like  a 
small  boy  in  a  new  suit  of  clothes.  By  July  it  is  five 
feet  high  and  going  up  faster  than  an  English  elevator, 


138        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

and  by  September  each  stalk  is  a  young  flag  pole  with 
four-foot  leaves  waving  from  it  like  banners.  Rival 
States  love  to  impress  each  other  with  the  height  of 
their  cornstalks,  but  Illinois  holds  the  record.  A  cen- 
tral Illinois  farmer  once  tied  his  horse  to  a  cornstalk 
on  a  hot  July  day,  and  when  he  came  back  he  had  to 
chase  the  horse  up  the  stalk  for  two  hours  with  climbing 
irons  in  order  to  untie  him. 

In  October  the  ears  of  corn  are  yellow  and  ripe  and 
the  farmer  harvests  them  by  stripping  off  the  rough 
husks,  yanking  out  the  ear  and  tossing  it  into  a  wagon 
provided  with  a  baseball  backstop  on  one  side.  This 
is  hard  work  and  eventually  develops  a  thumb  like  a 
horse  file.  An  amateur  can  husk  a  bushel  of  corn  be- 
fore getting  measured  for  a  new  pair  of  hands,  but  an 
expert  can  husk  100  bushels  a  day  in  the  field  and  over 
200  bushels  a  day  in  front  of  the  village  grocery  store. 

Illinois  produces  over  375,000,000  bushels  of  corn  a 
year  and  Iowa  nearly  as  much.  Corn  sells  for  from 
sixty  to  eighty  cents  a  bushel  on  the  hoof.  There  are 
many  forms  of  bliss,  but  none  more  poignant  than  to 
own  6,000  bushels  of  corn  in  the  crib  and  to  sit  in  front 
of  the  postoffice,  whittling  a  pine  stick  and  letting  the 
price  go  up  two  cents  a  day. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS  139 


TOBACCO 

TOBACCO  is  a  weed  which  is  raised  with  great  care 
and  expense  in  the  night-riding  portions  of  the 
-  United  States  and  elsewhere,  and  is  totally  con- 
sumed by  fire  later  on,  there  being  no  insurance. 

In  fact,  three-quarters  of  the  arson  in  the  world  is 
committed  upon  tobacco.  Every  day  a  million  dollars 
of  tobacco  goes  up  in  smoke,  and  yet  no  effort  is  made 
to  treat  it  with  asbestos  or  to  make  it  fireproof  in  any 
particular.  Many  substitutes  for  tobacco  are  often 
used,  such  as  rope,  cabbage,  excelsior,  tar  paper,  jute 
bagging  and  twine,  but  unfortunately  the  substitutes 
burn  as  readily  as  the  tobacco. 

In  fact,  this  is  even  more  unfortunate  than  the  in- 
flammability of  tobacco  itself. 

Tobacco  is  grown  in  the  warm  sunshine  and  consists 
of  large  bunches  of  flat,  broad  leaves  which  absorb  the 
said  sunshine  and  convert  it  into  nicotine,  a  deadly  poi- 
son which  is  said  to  be  able  to  kill  a  man  at  forty  paces 
if  it  cared  to.  When  the  tobacco  is  ripe  it  is  chopped 
off  and  dried  in  bundles,  after  which  it  is  made  into  ci- 
gars, torches,  fumigators,  plug  cut,  cigarettes,  snuff 
and  other  contagious  articles. 

Tobacco  was  first  used  by  the  Indians  and  was  discov- 
ered by  Sir  Walter  Raleigh,  who  made  seegars  out  of  it 
and  used  them  to  divert  his  mind  from  his  seasickness 
on  his  way  back  to  England.  When  Sir  Walter  lighted 
up  his  first  cigar  in  England  and  began  blowing  double 
rings  of  dense  smoke  through  his  mouth  and  nose  and 


SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

ears  his  servant  threw  a  pail  of  water  over  him  and 
called  out  the  fire  department.  This  method  of  break- 
ing the  cigar  habit  is  not  in  vogue  to-day. 

Tobacco  can  be  smoked,  chewed,  inhaled  or  eaten 
with  equally  distressing  effects  upon  those  who  are  not 
hardened  to  it.  Most  boys  begin  the  use  of  tobacco  at 
the  age  of  ten  and  continue  until  their  fathers  discover 
the  fact  —  after  which  they  discontinue  the  custom  un- 
til they  are  too  large  to  tbjrash.  Tobacco  readily 
becomes  a  habit  and  fastens  talons  of  steel  upon  its  vic- 
tims, who  will  sometimes  sell  their  vote  or  their  ever- 
lasting friendship  for  a  good  cigar. 

There  are  many  kinds  of  tobacco.  Some  kinds  will 
remove  the  lining  of  the  throat  neatly  in  a  few  minutes, 
while  other  kinds  cost  a  king's  ransom  and  smoke  like 
rarefied  velvet.  Some  tobacco,  when  smoked,  will  at- 
tract the  attention  of  the  health  department  four  blocks 
away,  while  other  kinds  when  made  into  cigars  sell  for 
$1  apiece,  and  make  kings  contented  with  their  jobs. 

The  United  States  could  save  a  million  dollars  a  day 
by  refraining  from  tobacco.  This  would  be  glorious  if 
we  could  be  convinced  that  the  million  would  not  be 
spent  for  gasoline  or  Cabaret  dinners. 


CHIEF    PRODUCTS  141 


THE  HOG 

THE  hog  is  a  machine   for  the  transforming  of 
corn  into  money.     He  is  also  a  refutation  of 
the    saying   that   in    union    there   is    strength. 
When  a  hog  is  united  and  in  good  running  order  he  is  a 
nuisance  and  a  great  expense.     But  when  he  has  disin- 
tegrated and  his  fragments  have  been  scattered  from 
Maine  to  California  per  refrigerator  car  he  becomes  a 
national  asset  and  a  source  of  wealth  to  which  we  point 
with  pride  if  we  are  selling  him,  or  which  we  view  with 
alarm  if  buying. 

The  hog  when  intact  is  an  appetite  equipped  with 
four  legs  and  a  squeal.  This  distinguishes  him  from 
the  great  financier,  who  has  to  get  along  with  two  legs. 
Men  eat  to  live,  but  the  hog  eats  to  die.  A  man  can 
eat  enough  to  keep  himself  alive  for  seventy  years,  but 
if  a  hog  is  industrious  he  can  eat  enough  to  die  with 
great  eclat  and  profit  in  eighteen  months. 

The  hog  has  never  been  called  handsome,  even  by  a 
post-impressionist.  He  has  a  large  round  body  cov- 
ered with  coarse  bristles,  short  stout  legs,  small  unin- 
spired eyes,  ears  which  look  like  corn  husks  and  a  ridic- 
ulously inefficient  tail.  His  face  runs  almost  entirely  to 
nose,  and  for  tearing  up  ground  four  long-nosed  hogs 
are  equal  to  one  Panama  steam  shovel.  The  rest  of 
the  hog  consists  of  mouth  and  digestion.  This  is  the 
secret  of  his  great  usefulness.  With  the  aid  of  his  di- 
gestion he  turns  corn  into  bank  stock,  farm  land,  auto- 
mobiles and  general  prosperity.  After  a  hog  has  con- 


142         SIZING   UP    UNCLE    SAM 

sumed  the  contents  of  a  corn  crib  he  stops  being  a  hog 
and  becomes  bacon,  ham,  lard,  pork  chops,  sausage, 
pickled  pigs'  feet  and  other  luxuries,  and  can  readily 
be  traded  for  the  common,  hard-faced  dollar  which  is 
so  popular  in  all  sections  of  society. 

Because  of  his  wide  acquaintance  with  mankind,  the 
hog  has  no  manners  and  spends  his  time  trying  to  keep 
what  he  can't  eat  himself  away  from  his  friends.  He 
lives  a  wild  free  life  on  the  farm  but  dies  with  great  sci- 
ence and  enthusiasm  in  the  great  packing  houses  at  the 
rate  of  fifteen  miles  an  hour.  Modern  enterprise  has 
utilized  every  part  of  the  hog  except  his  squeal  and  ar- 
rangements are  now  being  made  to  reproduce  these 
squeals  by  phonograph  in  order  to  perpetuate  the  re- 
marks of  Wall  Street  during  the  passing  of  a  tariff  bill. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS  143 


PIE 

PIE  is  a  solid  shot  fired  at  the  stomach  by  the  Pil- 
grim Fathers.  Like  all  other  ordnances,  how- 
ever, it  has  greatly  increased  in  deadliness  by 
modern  science. 

Pie  originated  in  New  England,  but  like  most  of  New 
England,  has  gotten  a  long  way  from  home.  It  is  now 
found  from  Sawgatuck  to  Saguinay  and  from  Knight's 
Key  to  Bellingham,  Wash.  It  is  composed  of  a  Har- 
veyized  shell  filled  with  desiccated  groceries,  the  whole 
roofed  over  with  a  manhole  cover  made  out  of  dough. 
When  the  lid  is  clamped  on,  the  pie  is  kiln  dried  until  it 
will  turn  a  fork  point.  It  is  then  cut  into  wedge-shaped 
pieces  and  is  eaten  with  avidity,  and  sometimes  with  a 
knife.  Thus  pie  may  be  said  to  be  the  entering  wedge 
of  dyspepsia.  (Fifteen  minutes  for  recuperation 
here. ) 

There  are  many  different  kinds  of  pie,  including  the 
open  faced,  hunting  case,  jail  window,  frosted  face  and 
ventilated  pie.  There  are  also  spoon  pies,  fork  pies 
and  finger  pies.  All  pies,  however,  are  similar  in  two 
respects.  They  have  a  bottom  crust,  corresponding  to 
a  concrete  foundation  and  they  are  round.  It  is  no 
more  possible  to  make  a  square  pie  than  it  is  to  make  a 
square  barrel.  A  square  pie  would  probably  not  ex- 
plode while  baking,  but  it  would  not  come  out  right 
when  cut,  and  the  eater  would  very  likely  become  con- 
fused and  choke  to  death  on  the  unfamiliar  angles. 

Of  all  pies,  apple  pie  is  perhaps  the  most  popular. 


144        SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

A  sour  apple  pie  alleviated  with  cloves  and  sugar  and 
cream  will  produce  more  internal  joy  and  exaltation 
than  $10  worth  of  goose  livers.  Berry  pies  are  also 
delicious,  but  fragile,  and  no  man  who  has  misplaced  a 
berry  pie  during  a  picnic  can  ever  forget  it.  The 
pumpkin  is  lowly  and  unloved  until  it  is  worked  into 
pie,  after  which  it  becomes  the  theme  of  poets.  Mince 
pie  is  a  meat  and  fruit  hash  with  an  internal  revenue 
flavor.  Lemon  and  custard  pies  are  noted  for  their  del- 
icate construction,  but  are  exceedingly  handy  as  missiles 
in  a  pinch.  Pies  are  also  made  out  of  vinegar,  cheese, 
rhubarb,  prunes,  persimmons,  pawpaws,  grapes,  chick- 
ens and  oysters.  A  pie  was  once  made  of  live  black- 
birds in  England,  which  is  about  as  near  as  the  English 
ever  came  to  solving  the  pie  problem,  anyway. 

Pie  is  severely  attacked  by  European  critics  and  is 
also  regarded  with  much  suspicion  in  America.  This  is 
because  pie  is  being  made  by  too  many  rank  amateurs, 
and  is  being  eaten  by  too  many  enthusiasts.  Four 
pieces  of  pie  do  not  constitute  a  lunch,  as  many  men 
fondly  imagine,  and  a  peck  of  miscellaneous  material 
on  a  gutta  percha  foundation  is  not  a  pie,  as  too  many 
housewives  are  prone  to  believe.  Pies  are  like  paint- 
ings —  when  they  are  good  they  are  magnificent,  but 
the  world  has  no  place  for  bad  pies  or  bad  paintings, 
either. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS  145 


SLANG 

ONE  of  the  most  enthusiastic  of  American  indus- 
tries is  the  production  of  slang. 
Slang  is  home-made  language,  and  is  used 
largely  by  people  who  can't  afford  to  use  many  store 
words. 

Real  tailor-made  English  comes  in  large  leather- 
bound  dictionaries,  and  is  very  expensive.  A  couple 
of  thousand  of  these  words  are  about  all  the  ordinary 
man  can  afford  unless  he  works  his  way  through  college. 
But  any  man  can  hammer  out  enough  words  in  his  own 
home  with  the  aid  of  a  little  imagination  to  give  him- 
self a  large  and  lurid  vocabulary  with  weekly  additions 
and  revisions.  Home-made  words  are  now  as  numerous 
and  as  popular  as  the  dictionary  kind,  and  when  a  man 
who  mixes  up  his  own  language  meets  a  man  who  digs 
his  out  of  the  dictionary  with  the  aid  of  a  few  pale, 
spectacled  professors  of  English  and  style,  the  two 
have  to  talk  to  each  other  by  signs. 

There  are  three  kinds  of  slang.  One  kind  is  used  to 
fill  up  gaps  in  the  conversation.  Some  people  use  slang 
profusely  in  order  to  keep  their  tongues  going  while 
their  brains  are  feverishly  clutching  for  another  idea. 

Another  kind  of  slang  is  used  by  busy  people  who  do 
not  want  to  take  the  time  to  talk  painfully  around  ev- 
ery grammatical  corner.  Sometimes  one  slang  word 
will  express  perfectly  an  idea  which  would  require  a 
dozen  costly  imported  English  words  to  convey.  It 
would  take  a  formal  talker  half  an  hour  using  hundreds 


146        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

of  large  $3  words  to  explain  politically,  economically, 
and  from  a  military  standpoint  what  Theodore  Roose- 
velt meant  by  "  the  big  stick  " ;  and  after  he  had  ex- 
plained it,  no  one  would  understand  it. 

A  third  kind  of  slang  is  used  to  fill  up  the  gaps  in  the 
dictionary,  and  to  give  the  language  a  chance  to  keep 
up  with  the  imagination.  Word  pictures  can  be 
painted  out  of  the  dictionary,  but  sometimes  a  slang 
word  is  a  cartoon  all  in  itself. 

When  slang  words  are  necessary,  they  are  discovered 
after  many  years  by  the  philologists  and  are  received 
into  full  communion  in  the  English  language.  When 
slang  words  are  bad,  they  go  on  the  stage. 

Very  few  men  are  so  wise  that  they  don't  need  slang 
at  one  time  or  another.  And  very  few  are  so  foolish 
that  they  will  not  use  it  when  necessary. 


CHIEF   PRODUCTS  147 


THE  OFFICE  SEEKER 

AFTER  the  American  people  have  toiled  six 
months  on  their  quadrennial  elections  their  out- 
put consists  of  one  President  and  200,000  of- 
fice seekers. 

An  office  seeker  is  a  man  who  spends  his  life  hunting 
for  a  good  substitute  for  work.  He  can't  afford  to  loaf 
and  he  cannot  bear  to  toil.  What  he  desires  with  all 
his  soul  is  to  rest,  at  a  good  salary,  from  the  trials  of 
a  political  campaign  for  the  rest  of  his  life. 

Most  office  hunters  begin  hunting  immediately  after 
the  November  election,  in  which  they  took  a  very  promi- 
nent part,  and  practically  elected  the  President.  They 
begin  by  asking  for  an  ambassadorship  and  descend  by 
slow  degrees  to  a  job  in  the  census  bureau.  After  an 
office  seeker  becomes  chronic  he  doesn't  care  much  what 
kind  of  an  office  he  gets.  All  he  desires  is  to  hop 
aboard  the  great  government  machine  and  ride  blithely 
from  payday  to  payday,  even  if  he  has  to  ride  the 
bumpers. 

And  yet  an  office  seeker  is  not  really  as  lazy  as  he 
thinks  he  is.  He  will  toil  night  and  day  for  months, 
marching  hundreds  of  miles  by  the  light  of  a  tin  torch 
and  polling  his  ward  with  the  utmost  fidelity  every  ten 
minutes  for  the  privilege  of  marching  up  to  the  in- 
cumbent in  office  and  saying,  "  It  was  a  hard  pull,  but 
we  elected  you  " —  and  then  of  asking  him  in  a  hoarse 
whisper  if  he  has  a  fourth  assistant  deputyship  of  any 
kind  lying  around. 


148        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

An  office  seeker  is  the  most  relentless  species  of  hu- 
manity. An  Indian  on  the  trail  is  trifling  and  unin- 
teresting compared  with  him.  An  office  seeker  will  fol- 
low a  President  over  four  mountain  ranges,  through 
100  miles  of  swamps  and  through  987  miles  of  hotel 
corridors  without  once  losing  the  scent.  He  will  meet 
him  at  sunrise  as  he  steals  forth  for  a  mouthful  of  un- 
tainted air  and  at  midnight  as  the  President  steals  down 
to  the  coal  cellar  to  bank  the  furnace  the  office  seeker 
will  arise  from  behind  the  ash  pile  and  show  him  his  en- 
dorsements for  the  post  of  substitute  doorkeeper  at  the 
Panama  Canal.  Office  seekers  worried  William  Henry 
Harrison  to  death  and  after  he  had  died  many  of  them 
led  better  lives  in  the  hope  of  meeting  him  later  and 
pressing  their  claims  in  a  better  land. 

After  a  man  has  sought  office  for  a  while  he  isn't  good 
for  anything  else  and  after  he  has  gotten  the  office  he 
isn't  good  for  anything  else  either.  Many  an  office 
seeker,  after  spending  enough  energy  and  genius  to 
build  a  1,000  mile  railroad,  has  obtained  a  $1500  a  year 
office  and  has  thereafter  sat  firmly  through  his  life 
with  his  feet  on  the  desk  and  a  sign  on  the  door  telling 
opportunity  to  call  again. 


EXCLUSIVE   FEATURES 

Every  nation  has  its  exclusive  features. 
Some  of  them  run  mostly  to  ruins  and  others 
to  scenery  and  restaurants.  The  United 
States  has  many  novelties  which  cause  the  im- 
ported guest  to  gasp  with  interest  among 
which  are  the  following: 

THE  QUICK  LUNCH  COUNTER 

GREEK  LETTER  SOCIETIES 

BROADWAY 

THE  BASEBALL  FAN 

THE  STAR  SPANGLED  BANNER 

THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH 

ELEVATORS 

COLLEGE  SPIRIT 

COUNTRY  CLUBS 

THE  HAM  SANDWICH 

SKYSCRAPERS 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          151 


THE  QUICK  LUNCH  COUNTER 

IN  the  United  States  time  is  very  valuable,  because 
we  have  only  had  135  years  of  it,  while  European 
nations  have  succeeded  in  using  up  more  than 
1,000  years  apiece  without  getting  anywhere  in  par- 
ticular. In  our  135  years,  we  have  had  to  eradicate 
Indians,  buffaloes,  and  rattlesnakes  from  3,000,000 
square  miles  of  territory;  build  houses  equipped  with 
steam  heat  and  pianos  for  upwards  of  100,000,000 
people ;  construct  200,000  miles  of  railroads ;  build  200,- 
000  churches  and  10,000  libraries;  turn  two  million 
square  miles  of  forest  and  prairie  into  cornfields  and  po- 
tato patches  and  bring  10,000  baseball  teams  to  their 
present  state  of  perfection.  Because  he  has  been  busy 
at  all  these  tasks,  the  American  citizen  has  not  had 
much  time  to  waste  on  lunch.  This  accounts  for  the 
quick  lunch  counter,  an  invention  by  which  a  man  is 
able  to  engulf  four  varieties  of  food  and  a  toothpick  in 
less  time  than  it  takes  to  flag  a  waiter  in  a  European 
restaurant. 

The  quick  lunch  counter  is  as  big  a  time  saver  as  the 
telephone,  the  automobile,  the  packing  house  and  the 
lynching  bee.  With  its  aid,  a  man  can  lower  enough 
food  into  his  digestive  system  in  two  minutes  to  keep  it 
busy  until  evening  and  perhaps  all  night.  It  has  come 
into  a  panting  and  breathless  nation  as  a  long  sought- 
for  boon  and  only  the  loiterer  and  the  dilettante  now  sit 
down  in  a  chair  and  put  napkins  on  their  vests  before 
eating  two-in-the-water-easy  on  a  raft,  with  a  draw  one, 
and  a  stack  of  wheats  on  the  side. 


152        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

The  lunch  counter  is  manned  by  a  crew  of  deft  jug- 
glers who  can  deal  sandwiches  right  and  left  handed  and 
cut  a  plate  of  pork  and  beans  from  under  the  deck 
without  spilling  so  much  as  a  bean.  Judiciously  con- 
cealed by  a  partition,  a  sad  eyed  cook  prepares  five  or- 
ders at  once  on  a  gasoline  stove.  In  a  gold  plated 
restaurant,  a  chef  will  take  half  an  hour  to  prepare  an 
order,  and  then  get  half  of  it  wrong,  but  no  one  makes 
mistakes  in  a  lightning  lunchery.  Time  is  money  at 
noon,  if  not  at  night,  and  the  cook  who  murdered  one 
and  a  half  minutes  of  $10  an  hour  time  wouldn't  last 
long  enough  in  a  fast  f oodery  to  walk  out  by  himself. 

The  lunch  counter  man  makes  his  patron  sit  on  high 
stools,  so  they  will  go  away  quicker  and  give  someone 
else  a  chance.  He  can  prepare  a  full  meal  in  two  min- 
utes and  three  minutes  later  another  man  will  be  order- 
ing from  the  same  stool,  while  the  waiter  is  hurling  the 
ironstone  dishes  used  in  the  last  meal  at  the  washer 
twenty  feet  away.  Marvelous  feats  are  performed  by 
lunch  counter  patrons,  some  of  whom  are  able  to  eat 
half  a  pie  in  thirty  seconds  with  the  aid  of  a  knife  alone. 
Men  who  eat  rich  dinners,  lasting  from  8  to  11  o'clock 
p.  M.,  and  women  who  live  on  chocolate  candy  look 
upon  the  lunch  counter  with  horror.  However,  it  is  a 
great  blessing  to  the  business  man.  It  gives  him  indi- 
gestion, spots  in  the  eyes  and  blind  staggers  and  com- 
pels him  to  retire  from  business  and  take  up  the  study 
of  civilization  at  the  age  of  forty-five. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          153 


THE  Greek  Letter  Society  was  invented  over  100 
years  ago  in  an  American  college  and  there  are 
now  so  many  of  them  that  the  Greek  Alphabet  is 
becoming  sadly  overworked  and  must  soon  be  enlarged 
to  take  care  of  the  rush  of  business. 

A  Greek  Letter  Society  is  commonly  supposed  to  be 
a  gang  of  desperate  young  men  who  have  sworn  over 
a  bloody  skull  to  stand  firmly  by  each  other  and  never 
to  reveal  the  name  of  the  brother  who  blew  up  the  court- 
house. It  is  supposed  to  be  so  powerful  that  when 
twenty  or  thirty  young  men  with  pompadour  hats  get 
together  in  a  black  cellar  under  a  red  light  and  whisper 
in  case-hardened  voices  they  can  defeat  the  noble  young 
candidate  for  Congress  who  is  supported  only  by  a  few 
shivering  magnates  or  a  plucky  little  railroad. 

Greek  Letter  Societies  are  also  supposed  to  lead 
lives  of  crime  and  to  encourage  their  devotees  to  engulf 
large  vats  of  virulent  stimulants.  Many  a  bright 
young  man  who  has  gone  to  college  with  a  pocket  full  of 
picture  cards  for  perfect  attendance  at  Sunday  School 
is  supposed  to  have  emerged  from  the  first  meeting  of 
his  secret  society  with  a  fierce  yearning  for  hasheesh 
and  the  blood  of  tender  young  children. 

All  of  these  suspicions  arise  from  the  fact  that  the 
Greek  Letter  Society  is  secret  and  that  its  members  are 
supposed  never,  no  never,  to  reveal  what  has  happened 
behind  the  black  curtain  with  the  cross-bones  on  it. 
Anything  secret  is  suspicious,  as  John  D.  Rockefeller 


154        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

has  found  out.  But  at  the  risk  of  invoking  the  horrid 
vengeance  of  the  Alfalfa  Delts,  the  Delta  Kappa  Son- 
ofaguns,  the  Eta  Bita  Pies,  the  Sigh  Whooperups,  the 
Mu  Kow  Moos  and  the  Omega  Salves  we  are  about  to 
divulge  the  four  principal  secrets  of  the  Greek  Letter 
Society. 

Turn  down  the  lights,  please. 

They  are  as  follows : 

1.  The  rent  of  the  chapter  house  is  now  two  months 
overdue  and  to-morrow  the  high  priest  of  the  Delta 
Flush  chapter  is  going  to  try  to  jolly  the  landlord  along 
another  month. 

2.  If  a  certain  tow-headed  freshman  is  made  presi- 
dent of  his  class  he  can  be  snagged  away  from  the  other 
frats  and  into  our  noble  order.     Vote,  Brothers,  vote. 

3.  On  the  third  of  next  month' an  informal  dance  will 
be  given  with  an  imported  orchestra  and  when  the  Fli 
Gammas  hear  of  it  they  will  expire  with  envy. 

4.  On  next  Saturday  night  at  midnight  three  shud- 
dering neophites  will  be  inducted  into  the  awful  mys- 
teries of  our  mighty  band.     Let  no  brother  forget  to 
bring  a  barrel  stave. 

There  are  a  few  other  dark  secrets  but  none  as  black 
as  these. 

Greek  Letter  Societies  are  harmless  and  moreover 
are  of  great  good.  Many  a  collegian  has,  through 
them,  learned  the  Greek  alphabet  so  thoroughly  that 
he  has  remembered  it  long  after  French  and  Trigonom- 
etry have  cantered  through  and  out  of  his  memory. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          155 


BROADWAY 

BROADWAY,  the  heart  of  New  York,  and  the 
lungs  of  the  theater  business,  is  the  best  adver- 
tised street  in  the  world.     It  is  called  Broad- 
way, because  it  has  no  relation  whatever  to  the  straight 
and  narrow  path. 

Broadway  was  originally  a  crooked  and  uncertain 
trail  made  by  the  Indians  while  returning  from  New 
Amsterdam  with  their  week's  supply  of  firewater.  It 
is  still  crooked  in  spots,  but  there  is  nothing  uncertain 
about  it.  As  New  York  has  grown,  it  has  been  ex- 
tended to  take  care  of  the  Rush  of  business,  until  it  is 
now  twenty  miles  long  and  two  stories  deep  most  of  the 
way.  It  begins  at  the  Battery,  where  the  immigrants 
land,  and  where  every  language  except  English  is 
spoken  fluently.  A  mile  north,  it  becomes  the  lair  of 
the  multimillionaire,  and  another  mile  north,  its  stores 
sell  everything  from  tango  costumes  to  pet  alligators. 
Farther  north,  it  leaps  to  a  height  of  800  feet,  and 
then  sinks  to  a  desert  of  one-story  shops  with  a  twenty- 
seven-story  hotel  among  them.  It  then  suffers  from  a 
convulsion  of  theaters,  recovers  only  to  be  captured  by 
the  automobile  business,  and  still  further  north  runs 
majestically  for  miles  between  tall,  beetling  cliffs  of 
apartment  houses.  Fifteen  miles  from  its  source,  it 
becomes  the  principal  thoroughfare  of  Yonkers,  being 
the  only  street  to  do  duty  for  two  large  cities.  It  then 
rambles  over  the  hills  of  the  Hudson,  between  the  es- 
tates of  the  impossibly  rich,  and  is  last  seen  headed  for 


156        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Albany  under  a  thick  cloud  of  dust  and  automobile 
smoke. 

Broadway  contains  the  largest  hotel  in  the  world, 
for  this  year  only,  and  its  tallest  building.  The  largest 
apartment  house,  the  thinnest  skyscraper,  the  most  ter- 
rific restaurant  and  the  most  interesting  church  are 
all  upon  Broadway.  It  assays  more  millionaires,  act- 
ors, automobile  salesmen  and  gunmen  than  any  other 
thoroughfare.  It  goes  to  bed  at  8  P.  M.  at  its  lower 
end  and  wakens  for  the  evening  at  the  same  hour,  at 
42nd  street.  It  has  more  hotels,  theaters,  electric  signs 
and  dejected  little  parks  than  any  other  street.  There 
is  standing  room  only  on  its  sidewalks  and  twice  as 
many  people  travel  underneath  it. 

Broadway  is  America  in  one  reel.  The  immigrant 
lands  at  its  lower  end,  pack  on  his  back,  sells  sandwiches 
for  the  first  mile,  goes  into  business  in  the  second  mile, 
runs  the  city  government  in  the  next  mile,  and  proceeds 
dizzily  from  the  business  section  through  the  restaurant 
area  and  the  automobile  dispensaries,  to  the  apartment 
house  wilderness,  and  thence  to  a  country  estate  on  the 
Hudson  at  the  far  upper  end. 

Broadway  is  a  twenty-mile  leap  from  poverty  to 
riches,  with  plenty  of  falling  off  places  by  the  way.  It 
will  be  longer  some  day,  but  never  much  more  terrific. 


EXCLUSIVE   FEATURES 


THE  BASEBALL  FAN 

ONE  of  the  strange  and  terrifying  phenomena  of 
the  United  States  is  the  baseball  fan. 
The  baseball  fan  consists  of  two  men  occupy- 
ing the  same  suit  of  clothes.  In  the  morning  the  fan 
is  anything  from  a  minister  to  a  quiet,  respectable  mil- 
lionaire, with  his  mind  cluttered  up  with  bond  issues. 
You  cannot  tell  a  baseball  fan  from  a  rational  being 
at  breakfast  unless  his  wife  allows  him  to  read  the  morn- 
ing paper  at  the  table.  But  in  the  afternoon  the  fan 
ejects  the  other  occupant  from  his  clothes  and  takes 
them  out  to  the  baseball  park  where  he  affixes  them 
firmly  to  the  soft  side  of  a  pitch  pine  plank  in  the 
bleachers,  and  convulses,  erupts,  detonates,  steam  sirens 
and  explodes  until  the  simoons  and  tornadoes  of  sound 
make  business  difficult  a  quarter  of  a  mile  away.  Cas- 
ual visitors  to  this  land  from  England  and  other  rest 
cures  look  with  alarm  at  the  sight  of  a  bank  president 
tearing  off  his  collar,  dancing  on  his  hat  and  pleading 
for  a  small  bite  out  of  the  umpire,  and  these  visitors  re- 
turn home  with  grave  doubts  as  to  the  stability  of  our 
government.  But  the  custom  of  segregating  our  peri- 
odical lunatics  at  baseball  games  has  made  this  country 
safe  and  sane  for  at  least  22  hours  a  day.  If  England 
could  get  its  suffragettes  interested  in  baseball,  she 
would  escape  one  of  her  worst  troubles. 

The  real  baseball  fan  flourishes  only  on  the  bleachers 
and  soon  wilts  and  loses  his  voice  when  confined  in  a 
box.  When  the  sun  is  100  in  the  shade,  and  the  home 


158        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

team  is  two  runs  ahead,  he  doesn't  care  who  is  running 
for  President.  What  he  is  interested  in  is  the  man  who 
is  running  for  third.  A  home  run  means  more  to  him 
than  a  stock  dividend  and  when  the  team  drops  four 
in  a  row,  even  a  new  baby  at  home  can't  console  him. 

An  easy  way  to  detect  a  baseball  fan  this  year  while 
he  is  at  large,  is  to  approach  him  and  enter  into  a  dis- 
cussion of  politics.  If  he  answers  you  in  batting  av- 
erages, you  may  feel  safe  in  asking  him  if  the  police  are 
tight  about  pop  bottles  and  cushions  in  his  town. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          159 


THE  STAR-SPANGLED  BANNER 

THE  Star-Spangled  Banner "  is  our  national 
song.  It  is  a  beautiful  piece  with  the  following 
words :  "  Oh  —  oh,  say,  can  you  see,  by  the 
dawn's  early  light,  tum-tum-tum,  tum-tum-tura,  tum- 
tum-tum,  turn-turn  turn,  turn,"  etc. 

Some  people  use  words  in  place  of  the  "  turns,"  but 
this  is  not  customary  and  is  regarded  as  an  offensive 
display  of  knowledge. 

"  The  Star-Spangled  Banner  "  was  written  by  Fran- 
cis Scott  Key,  a  Baltimore  lawyer  who  was  a  prisoner 
on  board  a  British  war  vessel  during  the  bombardment 
of  Fort  McHenry  in  1814.  When  the  morning  came 
and  Mr.  Key  discovered  that  the  American  flag  was 
still  there  he  seized  an  envelope  and  wrote  on  its  back 
the  sublime  words  which,  we  are  told,  make  up  the  poem. 
These  were  afterwards  set  to  music  by  one  of  our  earli- 
est aviators  who  reached  an  altitude  of  high  K  above  C 
in  the  closing  bar  of  the  song. 

"  The  Star-Spangled  Banner  "  became  instantly  pop- 
ular, and  has  always  awakened  the  greatest  enthusi- 
asm. It  is  a  splendid  piece  to  listen  to  when  it  is 
played  by  a  band,  but  when  sung  the  effect  is  marred 
by  the  crashing  of  masculine  voices  which  have  blown 
out  a  cylinder  head  on  the  high  notes.  The  song  has 
encouraged  patriotism  in  America,  but  is  undoubtedly 
accountable  for  our  backwardness  in  music.  After  the 
average  American  citizen  has  splintered  his  vocal 
equipment  on  "  the  land  of  the  free "  a  few  times 


he  becomes   discouraged  and  declines   to   Caruso   any 
more. 

However,  "  The  Star-Spangled  Banner  "  is  our  great- 
est national  song  and  should  be  sung  on  all  official  oc- 
casions. If  the  government  will  appoint  official  tenors 
to  take  the  high  note  either  at  an  annual  salary  or  by 
piece  work,  all  trouble  will  be  averted  in  the  future. 

It  is  customary  for  all  patriots  to  rise  when  this 
piece  is  being  played.  This  is  a  fine  tribute  to  our  na- 
tion, but  is  marred  by  the  fact  that  it  is  played  not 
only  at  patriotic  gatherings  but  at  prize  fights,  dog  and 
pony  shows,  vaudeville  performances  and  horse  races. 
Many  a  fine  old  lady  has  struggled  to  her  feet  during  a 
vaudeville  show  while  a  poodle  dog  has  walked  across  a 
tight  wire  carrying  an  American  flag  in  his  mouth  to 
the  tune  of  "  The  Star-Spangled  Banner  "  and  she  has 
glared  reproachfully  at  the  sodden  souls  beside  her  who 
have  declined  to  bite. 

We  should  be  so  proud  of  the  "  Star-Spangled  Ban- 
ner "  that  we  should  not  only  learn  the  words  and  jump 
at  the  tune  but  should  pass  a  law  forbidding  it  to  be 
played  as  a  means  of  hoisting  an  audience  to  its  feet 
while  a  Greek  strong  man  is  holding  up  an  old  muzzle- 
loading  cannon  with  his  teeth. 


EXCLUSIVE   FEATURES          161 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH 

THE  Glorious  Fourth  is  the  national  cataclysm 
of  America.  It  is  the  nearest  approach  to 
South  American  insurrection  or  an  Hungarian 
parliament  or  a  Mexican  election  that  exists  in  this 
country.  It  is  more  fatal  than  any  of  these  but  is  not 
as  debilitating  as  deer  hunting  or  toadstool  eating  or 
crossing  Michigan  avenue  after  11  o'clock  at  night. 

The  Fourth  of  July  is  the  longest  day  in  the  year, 
the  almanac  to  the  contrary  notwithstanding.  It  be- 
gins at  4  P.  M.  on  the  day  before  and  continues  until 
the  ammunition  is  exhausted.  It  is  also  the  only  audi- 
ble day  in  the  calendar.  You  can  see  Christmas,  you 
can  taste  Thanksgiving  and  under  favorable  circunv 
stances  you  can  feel  St.  Patrick's  Day.  But  the 
Fourth  of  July  is  made  to  be  heard  like  campaign  ora- 
tory. It  sounds  like  a  cross  between  battleship  prac- 
tice and  a  gambler's  war  back  of  a  police  station  in 
Chicago. 

The  Fourth  of  July  was  invented  to  celebrate  the 
Declaration  of  Independence.  It  was  first  observed  by 
ringing  bells.  However,  the  new-born  nation  after- 
wards went  out  and  shot  up  the  British  for  five  years 
after  which  bells  seemed  a  little  tame.  At  this  point  the 
Chinese  firecracker,  a  tabloid  noise  put  up  in  sanitary 
packages  and  sold  by  all  grocers,  was  introduced  and 
has  given  general  satisfaction  ever  since. 

The  Fourth  is  the  storm  center  of  patriotism,  youth- 
ful deviltry,  and  burned  fingers.  It  is  paradise  for  the 


162         SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

small  boy,  purgatory  for  the  old  maid  and  hades  for  the 
yellow  dog  with  a  long,  convenient  tail.  It  is  also  the 
safety  valve  of  a  great  many  restless  young  American 
men  who  would  burst  if  they  had  to  go  through  life 
without  shooting  off  a  revolver  now  and  then. 

Cynical  people  say  there  is  no  use  of  celebrating  the 
Fourth  any  more  because  we  are  no  longer  independent. 
But  our  ancestors  had  to  fight  for  independence  after 
they  celebrated  the  first  time.  After  we  celebrate  the 
Fourth,  therefore,  we  should  go  out  and  fight  for  inde- 
pendence by  hitting  a  trust  below  the  eye. 

Nervous  people  who  go  down  cellar  when  it  thunders 
insist  that  the  Fourth  should  be  celebrated  without  pow- 
der, evidently  mistaking  it  for  St.  Valentine's  Day. 

If  the  inventors  of  the  Fourth  of  July  had  been  as 
afraid  of  powder  as  some  of  their  descendants  are  we 
would  still  be  saving  our  firecrackers  for  the  King's 
birthday. 

But  if  they  had  been  as  wasteful  of  their  powder  or 
as  reckless  with  it  as  we  are  on  the  Fourth  we  might 
still  be  going  to  the  postoffice  to  get  a  pound  of  tea. 

We  should  observe  the  Fourth  with  moderation  and 
caution  but  none  of  us  should  be  too  proud  or  too  con- 
servative to  contribute  a  blistered  thumb  to  the  cause 
of  liberty  on  this  great  day. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          163 


ELEVATORS 

AN  elevator  is  a  sort  of  passenger  skyrocket  by 
which  a  person  can  be  yanked  off  the  earth  and 
into  a  cooler  climate  forty-nine  stories  above  in 
less  time  than  it  would  take  him  to  climb  three  flights  of 
stairs  and  mop  his  forehead  twice. 

The  elevator  was  invented  in  America,  which  also  pro- 
duced the  quick  lunch  counter,  the  revolver,  and  other 
time  savers  and  it  has  enabled  man  to  colonize  the  air. 
Half  a  century  ago  nobody  lived  more  than  seventy  feet 
above  the  ground.  Nowadays  men  do  business  happily 
700  feet  aloft  and  discharge  their  office  boys  for  steal- 
ing eagles'  eggs  off  of  the  fire  escapes  instead  of  attend- 
ing to  business. 

Some  elevators  travel  800  feet  a  minute,  making 
stops  at  all  way  stations,  while  others  run  express  to 
the  three  dozenth  floor  at  the  rate  of  600  feet  a  min- 
ute, the  passenger's  vital  organs  following  slightly  be- 
hind. By  taking  a  local  up  four  floors  and  catching  an 
express  down  to  the  city  proper,  a  hurried  financier  can 
leave  his  office  in  the  sunshine,  slide  down  through  a 
thunder  storm  and  borrow  an  umbrella  from  a  friend  on 
the  sidewalk  in  less  than  a  minute's  time. 

Elevators  are  run  by  men  and  boys,  who  are  kept  so 
busy  that  they  do  not  have  time  to  take  tips.  This  ac- 
counts for  the  enormous  popularity  of  this  ingenious 
contrivance  in  this  country. 

Elevators  occasionally  fall,  but  not  as  often  as  aero- 
planes or  brick  houses.  They  are.  not  as  dangerous  as 


164        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

street  cars  or  instantaneous  water  heaters,  and  nobody 
minds  them  in  this  country.  However,  they  are  re- 
garded with  great  terror  in  Europe,  and  are  only  used 
as  a  last  resort.  An  Englishman  runs  an  elevator  as  if 
he  were  moving  a  barn  and  only  the  leisure  class  has 
time  to  ride  in  them. 

Elevators  have  increased  the  joy  of  the  American 
business  man  by  taking  him  above  the  fly  line,  the  dust 
line,  the  noise  line,  the  book  agent  line,  and  the  skyline. 
They  are  almost  the  only  free  thing  left  in  America. 
The  New  Yorker  who  hasn't  the  price  of  a  ticket  to 
Coney  Island  need  never  despair  so  long  as  he  can  climb 
on  an  elevator  and  travel  so  high  in  two  minutes  that  he 
can  see  half  way  back  to  his  old  western  home. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          165 


COLLEGE  SPIRIT 

COLLEGE  spirit  is  a  harmless  form  of  temporary 
insanity  which  is  found  on  the  leading  campuses 
of  our  country.  It  cannot  be  bought  in  bottles 
like  other  well  known  spirits,  but  its  effects  are  about 
the  same. 

College  spirit  is  composed  of  enthusiasm,  unconven- 
tionality  and  lungs  in  equal  parts  with  a  pinch  of  brains 
for  seasoning.  It  is  not  used  much  in  the  class  rooms 
but  is  a  grand  thing  for  the  campus.  A  campus  by  it- 
self is  about  as  exciting  as  any  other  forty-acre  field. 
But  after  a  campus  has  been  soaked  in  college  spirit 
for  a  century  or  two,  it  becomes  so  exciting  that  a  young 
man  can  hardly  walk  across  it  without  taking  a  large 
bite  out  of  his  hat  and  giving  ninety-nine  Rahs  for  the 
school. 

Without  college  spirit  a  student  would  study  all 
night  for  four  years  and  graduate  at  the  head  of  his 
class  with  a  caved-in  chest  and  nervous  insurrection  of 
'the  stomach.  But  with  a  few  doses  of  this  celebrated 
elixir  of  life  and  thoroughly  guaranteed  monotony  cure, 
the  same  student  will  hang  a  purple  hat  on  his  left  ear, 
buy  a  suit  of  clothes  designed  by  a  cubist  and  sing  with 
his  friends  in  the  street  cars  until  the  police  gather  him 
up  for  safe  keeping;  he  will  put  on  padded  pants  and 
a  jersey,  grab  a  football  and  attempt  to  bore  his  way 
through  a  man  four  sizes  larger  than  he  is,  getting  a 
broken  leg  with  great  thankfulness.  He  will  insert 
himself  into  a  revolving  mass  of  maddened  sophomores 


166        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

and  go  home  in  a  barrel  carrying  one  ear  proudly  in  his 
hand.  He  will  work  all  night  in  the  snow,  contracting 
pneumonia  and  a  sprained  back  while  coaxing  a  reluc- 
tant cow  who  has  no  college  spirit  to  crawl  through  a 
small  window  into  the  office  of  the  college  president. 

Because  of  all  these  things  some  people  laugh  at  col- 
lege spirit  and  think  that  its  possessors  should  be  treated 
by  our  leading  alienists.  But  boys  who  have  college 
spirit  seldom  get  over  it,  and  when  they  tackle  life  later 
on,  they  tackle  it  low  and  hard  and  only  grin  when  trou- 
ble kicks  them  in  the  slats. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          167 


COUNTRY  CLUBS 

A  COUNTRY  club  is  an  American  institution  in- 
vented for  the  purpose  of  letting  city  people 
get  out  into  the  country  without  bothering  the 
farmers. 

Country  clubs  are  built  for  lovers  of  nature  and  con- 
tain all  sorts  of  conveniences  for  enabling  them  to  soak 
themselves  in  bucolic  bliss  including  grill  rooms,  bars, 
golf  courses,  piano  players  and  table  d'hote  dinners. 
With  the  aid  of  these  and  other  comforts  a  man  can  sit 
in  the  rathskellar  of  a  country  club  and  drink  in  the 
pure  fresh  air  and  other  things  until  the  last  car  leaves 
for  the  city.  People  who  have  had  a  long  course  in 
country  clubs  become  so  familiar  with  the  joyous  life 
of  the  rural  districts  that  they  can  tell  the  difference 
between  the  turkey  trot  and  Tango  dances  by  ear  and 
distinguish  a  bull  frog  from  a  bull  calf  with  the  skill 
of  an  old  agriculturalist. 

Country  club  members  are  divided  roughly  into  two 
classes  —  those  who  sow  golf  balls  on  the  hillsides  and 
those  who  sow  wild  oats  in  the  grill  room.  These  crops 
are  not  noticed  in  the  agricultural  reports  but  they 
are  quite  extensive  nevertheless.  The  man  who  sows 
$197  worth  of  golf  balls  in  a  180-acre  meadow,  har- 
vests a  pair  of  brown  forearms  in  the  gentle  autumn, 
and  the  man  who  gives  his  earnest  and  undivided  atten- 
tion to  the  untamed  oats  crops,  harvests  the  usual  re- 
sults but  in  a  more  stylish  and  exclusive  manner,  draw- 
ing a  large  and  fashionable  audience  when  the  judge 
grants  the  decree. 


168        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Since  the  automobile  has  become  prevalent  country 
clubs  have  increased  enormously  in  numbers  and  the 
town  which  does  not  now  possess  one  is  looked  upon  with 
scorn,  even  by  rural  communities.  To  enjoy  nature 
in  a  country  club  a  member  should  not  put  on  overalls 
and  a  straw  hat  as  large  as  a  city  voting  precinct.  To 
do  so  would  excite  as  much  unfavorable  comment  as  if 
he  were  to  be  caught  milking  a  cow.  White  flannel 
suits  and  Paris  clothes  together  with  a  haughty  and  de- 
tached air  eked  out  when  necessary  with  a  monocle  and 
lorgnette,  secure  the  best  results  in  these  delightful 
rural  retreats  and  a  long  line  of  well  selected  ancestors 
count  for  more  on  the  country  club  circuit  than  the 
unporterhoused  cattle  on  a  thousand  hills. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          169 


THE  HAM  SANDWICH 

THE  ham  sandwich  is  the  great  American  substi- 
tute for  food. 
A  ham  sandwich  consists  of  a  hinged  bun  with 
a  suspicion  of  ham  between  halves.     Modern  science 
has  now  made  it  possible  to  slice  ham  so  thin  that  one 
pig  can  upholster  5,000  ham  sandwiches. 

When  eaten  the  ham  is  liberally  smeared  with  mus- 
tard. Thus  the  eater  imagines  that  he  could  taste  the 
ham  if  it  were  not  for  the  mustard  and  is  perfectly 
happy.  A  new  sandwich  is  now  being  tested  in  which 
the  ham  is  painted  on  the  inside  of  the  bun,  and  it  is 
giving  very  satisfactory  results. 

The  ham  sandwich  is  the  mainstay  of  the  American 
traveler.  It  forms  the  principal  bill  of  fare  at  all  rail- 
road lunch  counters.  A  railroad  lunch  counter  may 
have  hard  boiled  eggs  and  kiln  dried  chicken  legs  and 
other  delicacies  but  after  the  hungry  traveler  has 
looked  over  the  assortment  he  generally  resorts  to  the 
sandwich. 

One  ham  sandwich  will  keep  the  ordinary  traveler 
from  wanting  any  more  food  for  100  miles.  This 
brings  down  the  cost  of  traveling  in  a  remarkable  man- 
ner. Men  and  women  have  been  known  to  travel  for  a 
week  at  a  time  existing  entirely  on  ham  sandwiches  and 
a  peculiar  brown  drink  also  found  at  railroad  lunch 
counters  and  resembling  coffee  in  price  and  its  manner 
of  application. 

The  ham  sandwich  is  legal  tender  for  a  nickel  in  all 


170        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

parts  of  the  country  except  along  a  few  railroads  so  lost 
to  honor  as  to  charge  ten  cents  apiece  for  everything  it 
sells  to  the  traveler.  When  a  railroad  charges  ten 
cents  for  the  ordinary  ham  sandwich  of  commerce  it 
can  be  viewed  with  suspicion.  It  is  conducted  for  aris- 
tocrats and  the  common  man  stands  no  show  with  it. 


EXCLUSIVE    FEATURES          171 


SKYSCRAPERS 

SKYSCRAPERS  are  indigenous  to  the  American 
zenith  and  are  found  nowhere  else.  They  are  re- 
garded with  great  contempt  in  Europe,  because 
they  are  inartistic  like  presidents  and  captains  of  in- 
dustry. But  there  is  a  suspicion  that  Europe  scorns 
all  these  useful  articles,  principally  because  America 
thought  of  them  first. 

The  skyscraper  was  invented  in  Chicago  about 
twenty-five  years  ago.  It  was  discovered  that  by  con- 
structing a  20-story  steel  skeleton,  sticking  two  or  three 
stories  into  the  ground,  and  draping  the  rest  with  an 
overskirt  of  brick,  stone  or  terra  cotta,  a  very  useful 
building  could  be  produced.  The  first  great  sky- 
scraper was  the  Masonic  Temple  in  Chicago.  It  is  21 
stories  high  and  was  once  the  wonder  of  the  world. 
Nowadays,  New  Yorkers  frequently  stumble  over  it 
while  looking  for  really  tall  buildings. 

Skyscrapers  are  now  built  in  one,  two,  three,  four 
and  five  dozen  story  sizes.  In  New  York,  the  first  three 
sizes  are  out  of  style,  and  are  being  torn  down  to  make 
room  for  really  high  buildings.  The  tallest  skyscraper 
in  the  world  was  once  the  Metropolitan  building  in  New 
York,  700  feet  high,  but  last  year  it  was  the  Woolworth 
building,  with  50  stories,  and  a  60-story  building  is  al- 
ready being  planned,  while  the  city  is  also  threatened 
with  a  100-story  building  from  the  top  of  which  the 
Goddess  of  Liberty  will  look  like  a  shop  girl  on  a  dry- 
goods  box. 


172         SIZING   UP    UNCLE    SAM 

Skyscrapers  are  made  possible  by  the  rapid  elevator 
which  is  another  American  invention.  The  elevator 
hoists  the  occupant  at  the  rate  of  600  feet  a  minute, 
leaving  his  liver  and  other  internals  to  follow  slightly 
later.  Europeans  are  more  afraid  of  our  fast  elevators 
than  they  are  of  our  fourteen-inch  breech  loaders,  but 
they  are  quite  safe. 

Skyscrapers  are  also  earth  stabbers.  Some  of  them 
reach  100  feet  below  the  surface,  and  are  useful  most  of 
the  way  down.  There  is  no  telling  how  much  higher 
they  will  grow,  but  we  may  expect  some  day  to  see  a 
doctor  on  the  19th  floor,  recommending  a  patient  to 
an  office  on  the  137th  floor,  where  the  climate  is  cooler 
and  more  salubrious. 

Skyscrapers  are  not  always  beautiful  to  look  at,  but 
they  are  magnificent  to  look  out  of.  Europeans  who 
spend  their  days  gazing  from  the  second  story  of  a 
beautiful  building  into  the  rear  brick  wall  of  another 
beautiful  building  will  learn  something  to  their  advan- 
tage by  taking  a  45th  floor  office  and  soaking  their 
souls  in  scenery  as  they  open  their  morning's  mail.  It 
is  like  doing  business  on  a  steam-heated  mountain  top. 


FADS 

This  nation  has  more  fads  than  most  coun- 
tries because  of  the  great  ease  with  which  the 
American  gets  interested  in  something  new. 
Among  the  many  permanent  enthusiasms 
of  Americans  only  a  few  can  be  mentioned 
here. 


FADS  175 


BATH  TUBS 

THERE  are  more  bath  tubs  in  the  United  States 
than  there  are  spectacles  in  Germany  or  barons 
in  Italy. 

The  bath  tub  is  the  chief  landmark  of  civilization. 
Wherever  it  can  be  found  in  profusion  there  civilization 
reigns  and  the  man  has  a  strangle  hold  on  the  culture  of 
the  day.  A  land  may  be  full  of  wondrous  marble  pal- 
aces and  temples  which  make  the  Congressional  library 
look  like  an  overgrown  dog  house,  but  if  it  has  no  bath 
tubs  it  is  a  failure  and  missionaries  flock  to  it  in  great 
numbers. 

In  England  the  bath  tub  is  the  millstone  of  the  civi- 
lized man.  He  does  not  wear  it  around  his  neck,  but 
he  folds  it  up  and  lugs  it  painfully  around  the  world  in 
his  baggage.  The  bath  tub  has  made  great  strides  in 
England,  but  is  still  a  curiosity  in  many  hotels.  If  we 
peruse  English  literature  the  chief  thing  which  we  learn 
is  the  fact  that  the  upper  class  Englishman  cannot  live 
without  his  morning  bath.  But  if  we  peruse  England 
from  a  humbler  standpoint  we  also  discover  that  he  ap- 
parently does  the  bathing  for  the  entire  island. 

In  America  the  bath  tub  has  made  great  strides,  and 
is  now  more  common  than  the  piano  and  the  mail  order 
catalogue.  The  bath  tub  is  the  first  rung  of  the  lad- 
der by  which  the  American  rises  to  prosperity.  After 
having  acquired  a  bath  room  he  buys  a  piano  on  the 
installment  plan.  Then  he  joins  a  club  and  swarms 
gallantly  upward  into  the  automobile  class.  The  bath 


176        SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

tubs  of  America  keep  the  nation  clean  at  a  very  small 
expense.  For  two  cents  a  day  an  American  can  soak 
himself  for  half  an  hour  each  morning  and  can  play  the 
fascinating  game  known  as  chasing  the  soap.  How- 
ever, if  he  goes  to  the  American  hotel  he  discovers  that 
baths  are  much  higher  in  price.  It  costs  him  a  dollar 
extra  to  rent  a  room  with  bath,  and  many  travelers 
have  been  so  irritated  by  this  that  they  have  gone  out 
and  stood  in  the  dusty  automobile  road  for  an  hour  each 
afternoon  in  order  to  get  their  money's  worth  when  they 
return  to  the  hotel. 

It  is  now  the  ambition  of  the  American  citizen  to  own 
as  many  bath  tubs  as  possible  and  the  magnate  who  has 
just  built  a  house  in  which  there  are  fifty-seven  bath 
tubs  for  the  use  of  himself,  wife  and  little  son  is  gazed 
upon  with  awe  and  admiration  on  all  sides. 


FADS  177 


ANCESTORS 

ANCESTORS  are  found  along  with  old  furniture 
and  captive  skeletons  in  all  of  our  best  American 
families.     Ancestors  consist  of  forefathers  and 
foremothers,  to  say  nothing  of  foreuncles  and  aunts, 
who  have  done  something  grand  or  noble,  like  being  be- 
headed by  a  king  or  having  a  relative  who  was  governor 
of  a  colony.     This  enables  them  to  be  pointed  at  with 
pride  by  their  descendants  forever  more. 

Being  an  ancestor  is  one  of  the  easiest  and  most  at- 
tractive of  jobs.  It  merely  consists  of  being  boosted 
by  one's  descendants.  Thus,  many  ancestors  have  been 
enabled  to  make  good  after  they  are  dead.  More  than 
one  ancestor  who  has  gone  out  of  this  life  a  poor  per- 
son, and  only  a  few  jumps  ahead  of  the  sheriff,  has  had 
the  good  fortune,  a  century  later,  to  become  the  ances- 
tor of  some  ambitious  family  with  plenty  of  money,  and 
has  become  so  famous  in  consequence  that  his  tomb- 
stone has  had  to  be  greatly  enlarged  and  improved. 

Ancestors  are  one  of  the  most  valuable  and  satisfac- 
tory of  possessions.  They  are  non-taxable  and  cannot 
be  stolen.  Their  upkeep  is  practically  nothing,  and 
they  do  not  deteriorate  with  age  or  neglect.  In  fact, 
they  increase  in  value  as  they  grow  older.  An  ancestor 
600  years  old  is  worth  a  whole  mass  meeting  of  fifty- 
year-old  ancestors.  Adam  is  the  oldest  ancestor.  He 
is  6,000  years  old,  and  had  a  fine  record.  But  he  is  a 
common  possession,  like  education  and  liberty,  so  he  is 
not  valued  very  highly. 


178        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Almost  all  rich  people  own  and  operate  ancestors. 
But  the  poorest  man  may  have  them,  too.  Many  a  man 
who  hasn't  two  vests  to  his  name,  and  cannot  hold  a 
job  two  minutes,  has  ancestors  which  are  the  envy  of  his 
automobilious  neighbors.  We  cannot  buy  ancestors,  if 
we  do  not  have  them,  but  we  can  buy  them  for  our  chil- 
dren by  marrying  discreetly.  A  full  set  of  fine  im- 
ported ancestors  can  now  be  purchased  for  a  million 
dollars.  The  great  trouble  with  these  imported  goods 
is  the  fact  that  they  are  often  badly  infested  with  de- 
scendants. Some  of  the  very  finest  ancestors  have  been 
almost  ruined  by  these  parasites  and  there  is  no  legal 
cure. 

In  England,  everybody  has  ancestors.  Some  of  them 
are  over  1,000  years  old,  and  are  still  in  a  state  of  ex- 
cellent preservation.  The  best  American  brand  came 
over  in  the  Mayflower  about  300  years  ago.  Most  of 
the  better  grades  of  American  ancestors  are  now  con- 
trolled by  a  trust,  the  Daughters  of  the  Revolution. 

We  should  all  be  proud  of  our  ancestors,  but  not  out 
loud. 


FADS  179 


POPULATION 

POPULATION  is  the  chief  end  of  American  cities. 
Population  consists  solely  and  entirely  of  peo- 
ple. American  cities  collect  people  as  misers  col- 
lect dollars. 

All  dollars  look  alike  to  misers,  and  all  people  look 
alike  to  the  city  which  is  panting  to  cross  the  100,000 
mark  in  the  next  census. 

If  a  city  can  collect  enough  crippled,  anaemic,  under- 
fed and  unwashed  babies  together,  with  the  nondescript 
parents  of  the  same,  to  boost  its  population  figures 
5,000,  it  is  pleased  and  proud  as  if  it  was  doing  some- 
thing to  make  these  folks  worth  while. 

When  a  city  has  doubled  its  population  in  ten  years, 
the  whole  country  applauds  and  exclaims,  "  Verily,  here 
is  another  Chicago.  Let  us  go  hither  and  grow  up 
with  it." 

And  yet  half  of  the  people  in  that  city  may  wish  they 
were  dead. 

Population  is  the  chief  curse  of  the  American  city. 
If  the  census  figures  could  be  suppressed  they  would 
have  to  measure  success  in  some  other  way.  If  we 
didn't  have  any  censuses  American  cities  might  some 
day  be  bragging  of  their  per  capita  wages  and  savings 
bank  deposits.  Commercial  clubs  might  be  ejecting 
factories  which  ground  up  workmen  too  carelessly  and 
Chicago  might  some  day  boast  that  it  didn't  have  a 
house  without  a  bath  tub.  Nobody  is  proud  of  a  house 
with  two  families  in  each  room.  Yet  when  a  city  has 


i8o        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

acquired  50,000  extra  population  which  cannot  read 
English  and  live  in  tenements,  in  which  one  wash  bowl 
has  to  do  for  a  whole  voting  precinct,  it  looks  with 
scorn  upon  the  slow  old  burg  down  the  line  which  has 
built  nine  new  churches  and  a  municipal  playground 
but  can  only  show  a  ten  per  cent,  increase  of  population. 
American  cities  will  not  be  worth  while  until  they 
forget  population  and  remember  their  people. 


FADS  181 


DIVORCE 

DIVORCE  is  an  operation  for  the  removal  of  a 
husband  or  wife.     It  is  performed  by  a  lawyer 
instead  of  a  surgeon  and  can  be  done  without 
an  anaesthetic,  though  the  fee  is  as  large  as  if  it  had  to 
be  done  with  knives,  saws,  stump  pullers  and  electric 
massage.     It  is  not  painful  except  when  cross  bills  and 
co-respondents  set  in,  but  is  subject  to  severe  after- 
effects, such  as  alimony,  which  keep  the  victim  finan- 
cially bedridden  for  years. 

In  other  countries  divorce  is  resorted  to  only  as  a 
relief,  and  is  regarded  as  being  too  serious  to  use  as  a 
cure  for  wife-beating  or  other  minor  troubles.  In  this 
country  divorce  is  used  as  repartee,  as  a  diversion,  an 
advertisement,  as  second  thought  and  as  a  means  of 
playing  that  fascinating  game  known  as  "  progressive 
marriage."  Divorce  in  this  country  is  so  common  that 
the  slip  knot  is  now  being  tied  by  all  ministers. 
Couples  marry  for  better  or  divorce.  In  New  York, 
where  people  are  so  prosperous  that  they  are  not  afraid 
of  lawyers,  it  takes  longer  to  call  off  the  matrimonial 
history  of  a  society  leader  than  it  does  to  announce  the 
ancestry  of  a  Bostonese. 

Causes  for  divorce  vary  in  different  States  which,  to- 
gether with  the  low  rates  and  excellent  train  service,  is 
a  great  convenience.  In  South  Carolina  there  is  no  ex- 
cuse for  divorce,  while  in  Reno,  Nevada,  a  $100  bill  is 
considered  ample  reason.  In  Illinois  divorce  is  as  free 
as  air  to  the  lowest  as  well  as  the  highest,  and  the  wife 


182        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

who  burns  beefsteak  or  the  husband  whose  feet  perspire 
have  no  legal  standing  and  are  likely  to  lose  their  mat- 
rimonial jobs  at  any  time.  It  usually  takes  a  young 
couple  a  year  or  two  to  decide  whether  they  are  fitted 
for  matrimony,  but  in  Chicago  they  marry  first  and  de- 
cide afterward  with  the  help  of  the  judge. 

Owing  to  the  ease  in  which  divorce  can  be  obtained 
in  this  country,  it  is  being  greatly  overdone.  Wives 
are  getting  divorces  in  order  to  raise  their  husbands' 
salaries  and  husbands  are  getting  divorces  in  order  to 
improve  their  wives'  complexions.  One  wife  at  a  time 
is  still  the  rule  in  this  country,  but  the  shortness  of  the 
time  is  causing  a  great  deal  of  remark.  It  is  time  for 
reform.  Every  man  or  woman  is  entitled  to  make  one 
mistake,  but  when  a  husband  has  proven  a  repeated  fiz- 
zle, he  should  be  compelled  to  go  back  to  the  lunch 
counter  brigade  for  the  rest  of  his  life  and  give  the 
bachelors  a  chance. 


PASTIMES 

The  United  States  is  the  land  of  pastimes. 
The  American  earns  his  living  in  fewer  hours 
than  the  citizen  of  any  other  civilized  land 
and  spends  the  rest  of  the  time  devotedly 
in  sports  and  games.  This  is  why  the  sport- 
ing sections  of  American  newspapers  occupy 
two  pages  while  the  editorials  are  boiled  down 
into  two  columns ;  it  explains  also  why  the  en- 
terprising churches  are  preparing  to  mount 
themselves  on  wheels  in  order  to  follow  the 
populace  on  Sunday. 


PASTIMES  185 


BASEBALL 

BASEBALL  is  played  by  a  grandstand  full  of  ma- 
niacs assisted  by  eighteen  players  in  uniform,  a 
national  commission,  a  box  full  of  sporting  writ- 
ers, a  book  of  rules  as  thick  as  the  Illinois  code,  and  a 
low-browed  pirate  called  an  umpire.  The  object  of 
baseball  is  to  win  the  game  for  the  home  team.  To  do 
this  it  is  sometimes  necessary  for  the  spectators  to  yell 
continuously  for  three  hours  at  a  time.  This  develops 
marvelous  endurance.  There  are  prominent  business 
men  in  the  United  States  who  can  pick  out  a  player  100 
yards  away  during  a  riot  and  can  address  a  remark 
to  him  which  he  will  not  only  hear  but  which  will  make 
him  fighting  mad. 

Baseball  calls  for  great  skill  in  many  directions.  It 
is  often  necessary  for  a  spectator  to  invent  as  many  as 
fifty  excuses  in  a  season  for  leaving  his  work  to  assist 
at  a  baseball  game.  Some  of  our  greatest  politicians 
are  baseball  fans,  who  have  obtained  their  marvelous 
ability  to  explain  their  votes  in  this  manner.  Baseball 
develops  the  lungs  to  a  wonderful  degree  and  also  en- 
ables a  man  to  hang  by  one  hand  to  a  crowded  street  car 
for  five  miles  at  a  time  without  discomfort.  It  pro- 
duces great  skill  in  throwing  pop  bottles,  cushions  and 
lemons,  enriches  the  conversation  and  makes  the  devo- 
tee impervious  to  heat.  Moreover,  by  the  end  of  Au- 
gust many  a  baseball  enthusiast  has  become  so  inured 
to  hard  pine  benches  that  he  can  sit  in  a  church  pew 
upwards  of  fifteen  minutes  on  a  winter  Sunday  before 
succumbing  to  the  discomfort. 


i86        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

To  assist  at  a  baseball  game  requires  close  attention 
and  constant  effort.  The  opposing  pitcher  must  be 
persuaded  that  he  has  an  arm  like  an  old  rubber  hose 
and  the  base  runner  must  be  reminded  that  the  man  on 
third  is  a  wooden  Indian,  who  has  lost  his  original  job 
through  old  age.  The  baseball  spectator  who  neglects 
to  remind  the  visiting  batter  that  he  couldn't  hit  a 
baseball  if  it  was  nailed  to  a  fence  often  allows  a  home 
run  by  his  carelessness.  In  an  empty  arena  the  New 
York  Giants  would  play  bush  league  ball  while  a  city 
full  of  skilled  spectators  could  make  a  good  race  for  a 
baseball  pennant  with  a  team  of  Egyptian  mummies. 

Baseball  has  not  only  enriched  the  American  vocabu- 
lary, but  it  has  cured  thousands  of  cases  of  serious  ill- 
nesses which  have  developed  suddenly  in  the  morning 
and  have  been  cured  by  an  afternoon  at  the  game.  It 
makes  summer  worth  enduring  for  business  men,  office 
boys,  actors,  sporting  writers,  and  vast  numbers  of 
plain  people.  It  takes  precedence  of  stocks,  accidents, 
the  doings  of  Congress  and  the  health  of  kings  in  the 
newspapers.  Romances  are  tame  beside  the  last  day 
thrills  of  a  struggle  for  the  pennant,  and  man's  quick- 
est heartbeats  are  produced  by  slides  to  second,  home 
runs  in  the  ninth  inning  and  strikeouts  with  the  bases 
full. 

If  ever  the  American  nation  is  struck  dumb,  baseball 
will  perish.  But  so  long  as  we  are  not  too  dignified  to 
yell,  it  will  reign  unrivaled  in  the  dog  days. 


PASTIMES  187 


FOOTBALL 

FOOTBALL  is  an  effort  on  the  part  of  forty-four 
shin  guards  to  occupy  the  same  place  at  the  same 
time.  It  is  classed  as  a  game,  but  looks  more 
like  a  clinic.  It  is  called  football,  because  the  ball  is 
about  a  foot  long. 

It  takes  twenty-two  men  to  play  football  and  some- 
where near  twice  that  number  to  keep  them  in  repair. 
An  automobile  is  durability  itself  beside  a  football 
player.  In  our  large  colleges,  the  football  garage  is 
constantly  filled  during  the  Fall  with  football  players, 
who  have  had  to  go  into  the  back  shop  for  a  thorough 
overhauling.  The  chief  objects  used  in  the  game  be- 
side the  players  are  a  referee's  whistle,  two  goal  posts, 
a  red  cross  wagon,  a  barrel  of  splints,  a  loud  virulent 
yell,  a  carload  of  flags  and  a  few  thousand  rooters  with 
brass-lined  throats.  A  rooter  is  a  baseball  fan  with  a 
cold-weather  carburetor.  He  can  stand  for  hours  in 
the  snow  and  yell  without  disturbing  anyone  outside  of 
his  own  congressional  district. 

The  football  is  used  in  the  game  to  locate  the  dis- 
turbance. Wherever  the  ball  is,  there  is  no  more  peace 
than  there  is  in  a  love-feast  with  an  insurgent  in  it. 
The  object  of  the  game  is  to  take  the  ball  down  the  field 
to  the  goal  over,  under  and  through  the  opposition  with- 
out the  aid  of  axes,  saws,  carving  knives,  battering  rams 
or  dynamite.  Those  who  have  seen  a  good  football  team 
in  action  will  realize  how  little  these  things  are  needed 
anyway. 


i88        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

Football  is  not  a  peaceable  game,  and  is  also  dan- 
gerous. Some  football  players  are  so  unscrupulous  as 
to  fall  down  before  the  advancing  runner  and  twist  his 
ankle  by  getting  it  tangled  up  in  their  ribs.  Fre- 
quently also,  the  man  with  the  ball  will  snag  himself 
severely  on  a  broken  bone,  while  going  through  an  oppo- 
nent, or  will  dent  his  head  on  an  adversary's  teeth,  or 
will  slip  on  a  slippery  face  and  twist  his  knee  until  he 
yells  with  pain. 

Football  requires  various  talents.  A  football  player 
should  weigh  180  pounds  and  should  have  copper  fas- 
tened teeth,  reenforced  concrete  shins,  a  lithe,  limber 
backbone  and  angle  iron  knees.  He  should  also  have  a 
duplicate  nose  if  possible.  The  player  should  be  so 
hard  that  he  can  dent  a  locomotive  and  yet  so  flexible 
that  he  can  emerge  from  beneath  twenty-one  men,  reach 
out  his  arm  twenty-seven  feet  and  plant  the  ball  between 
the  goal  posts.  He  should  also  be  able  to  grab  a  13- 
inch  shell  around  the  waist  and  hold  it  until  help  ar- 
rives. If  possible,  a  football  player  should  refrain 
from  marriage. 

Football  is  played  mostly  by  collegians  because  by 
the  time  a  man  is  out  of  college  he  has  sense  enough  not 
to  play  it.  An  old  player  can  be  told  by  the  quiet  way 
in  which  he  doesn't  dodge  street  cars,  automobiles, 
hoodlums  and  lightning.  If  they  hit  him  it  is  their  own 
fault,  and  he  does  not  hold  himself  responsible  for  the 
consequences. 


PASTIMES  189 


CORN  HUSKING 

CORN  HUSKING  is  a  national  game  which  begins 
about  the  time  baseball  peters  out  and  continues 
until  the  blizzard  season.  It  produces  the  same 
distressing  results  to  the  fingers  as  baseball  does,  but 
as  a  dividend  producer  it  is  about  a  thousand  times 
more  effective. 

Corn  husking  is  not  a  college  diversion  but  has  sent 
thousands  of  boys  to  college  and  has  given  them  their 
sinewy  wrists  with  which  to  grasp  the  flying  halfback  by 
the  spinal  column  and  check  him.  in  his  mad  career. 
Corn  husking  cannot  be  played  in  a  stadium  or  amphi- 
theater. It  requires  more  room  than  golf.  A  forty- 
acre  field  will  keep  100  golfers  busy  for  years,  but  a 
100-acre  field  will  only  last  two  expert  corn  buskers  for 
a  few  weeks. 

Corn  husking  is  the  most  valuable  exercise  in  Amer- 
ica. Corn  that  hasn't  been  husked  is  as  valueless  as  a 
Salome  dancer  in  street  clothes.  Hundreds  of  throb- 
bing geniuses  have  spent  their  lives  in  trying  to  invent 
a  machine  which  will  deftly  remove  an  ear  of  corn  from 
its  garments  and  toss  it  into  a  wagon,  but  the  only 
entirely  reliable  machine  of  this  sort  in  use  is  the  farmer 
boy  who  rises  at  4  A.  M.  and  grasps  100  bushels  of  corn 
ears  firmly  between  his  aching  thumb  and  forefinger  be- 
fore the  sun  goes  down. 

The  rules  of  corn  husking  are  very  simple.  The 
busker  arms  himself  with  a  pair  of  large  mittens  with 
armored  thumbs  and  follows  a  wagon  across  a  cornfield 


1QQ        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

denuding  two  rows  of  stalks  as  he  goes  and  trying  to 
keep  the  horses  from  eating  themselves  to  death  while 
waiting  for  him.  The  wagon  keeps  moving  all  day  long 
and  if  the  husker  is  beside  it  at  night  he  wins.  If  he 
isn't,  the  wagon  wins.  It  is  a  very  exciting  game, 
but  not  suitable  for  delicate  young  athletes  with  fragile, 
manicured  fingers.  Many  a  man  who  can  follow  a  golf 
ball  all  day  long  with  the  grim  tenacity  of  a  foxhound 
following  an  anise  seed  bag  has  retired  from  a  husking 
game  at  noon  with  a  low  moan  and  a  bunch  of  desiccated 
digits. 

There  are  many  husking  experts  who  can  keep  three 
ears  in  the  air  right  along  and  can  hurl  200  bushels  of 
corn  into  a  wagon  in  ten  hours,  only  missing  it  occa- 
sionally. A  man  who  can  do  this  is  more  useful  to  hu- 
manity than  the  man  who  can  hurl  200  spit  balls  per 
day  before  shouting  thousands  or  the  daredevil  who  can 
travel  200  miles  an  hour  on  a  motorcycle  in  the  last 
stages  of  hydrophobia.  There  are  4,000,000,000  bush- 
els of  corn  to  be  undressed  and  hurled  in  this  country 
each  fall,  and  only  a  few  million  red-necked  and  horny- 
fingered  farmer  boys  stand  between  us  and  ruin. 


PASTIMES  191 


TREATING 

TREATING  is  an  American  pastime.  It  is  also 
Exhibit  A  in  the  European  effort  to  prove  that 
all  Americans  are  crazy. 

Treating  is  the  process  of  drinking  a  drink  which  you 
do  not  want  in  order  to  buy  another  man  a  drink  which 
he  probably  doesn't  want,  and  then  drinking  another 
drink  which  you  want  still  less  in  order  to  give  him  the 
opportunity  of  paying  you  back  before  you  set  him 
down  as  a  tight  wad  who  would  rather  squander  his 
money  on  hats  for  his  wife  than  in  a  noble  effort  to 
drown  his  friends. 

This,  however,  is  only  the  beginning  of  a  treat. 
Then  the  first  man,  having  drunk  two  drinks  which  he 
didn't  want,  buys  the  second  man  another  which  he 
doesn't  want,  and  drinks  a  third  on  himself  which  is  as 
unwelcome  as  a  ninth  cousin  at  Thanksgiving. 

After  which  two  other  men  come  in  and  the  treatee 
buys  the  treater  another  drink  and  one  for  himself, 
which  he  hasn't  room  for,  and  also  buys  drinks  for  the 
two  newcomers. 

Then  each  of  the  two  newcomers  buys  drinks  for  the 
other  three,  after  which  the  original  treater  repays  the 
new  obligation  by  buying  the  original  treatee  his 
seventh  drink  and  drinks  for  the  two  newcomers  and 
another  for  himself,  which  he  has  to  push  down  with  a 
swab.  Then  the  treatee  indignantly  demands  that  he 
be  allowed  to  square  himself  and  he  buys  drinks  for  all 
the  four  and  for  three  strangers  who  have  dropped  in 


192         SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

and  who  immediately  prove  that  they  are  free-born  pa- 
triots by  buying  drinks  for  everybody.  Then  the  orig- 
inal treater,  having  poured  the  ninth,  tenth,  and  elev- 
enth drinks  on  his  hair,  buys  a  barrel  of  refreshments 
for  the  other  six  men  and  four  more  whom  he  goes  out 
and  drags  in  by  force,  gives  his  watch  to  the  bartender, 
tells  the  free  lunch  the  story  of  his  freshly  pickled  young 
life  and  goes  to  sleep  on  the  ash  can  in  the  alley,  weep- 
ing over  the  fact  that  Cleopatra  was  no  lady. 

Treating  is  etiquette  and  is  more  rigidly  observed 
than  most  State  and  national  laws.  A  man  must  always 
buy  a  drink  when  his  turn  comes.  Only  death  or  paral- 
ysis of  the  barkeeper  can  stop  the  rotation.  Conse- 
quently, thousands  of  men  who  go  into  bar  rooms  to  ab- 
sorb a  small  snifter  of  beer  apiece  are  rescued  from  the 
bar  later  in  the  day  by  the  life-saving  crew  in  a  taxicab 
after  incredible  perils. 

Some  men  are  so  mean  and  lost  to  all  sense  of  honor 
or  decency  that  they  will  not  only  go  home  after  being 
treated  without  treating  back,  but  will  sneak  away  and 
drink  by  themselves.  These  men  should,  of  course,  be 
avoided.  They  can  be  told  by  their  pale  complexions 
and  almost  painful  sobriety. 


PASTIMES  193 


GETTING  RICH 

GETTING  rich  is  the  greatest  American  game. 
The  season  lasts  twelve  months  each  year,  Sun- 
days included,  and  the  players  include  prac- 
tically all  the  citizens  able  to  distinguish  the  salient 
points  of  difference  between  a  dollar  and  a  stick  of 
candy. 

The  getting  rich  game  is  played  on  all  kinds  of  fields. 
Some  men  play  it  for  sixty  years  on  a  flat  top  desk, 
while  others  use  a  10,000-acre  farm  and  still  others  a 
small,  green  baize  covered  table.  There  are  no  stand- 
ard implements  for  playing  the  game  either.  Some 
men  use  a  stock  ticker,  some  a  twine  binder  and  some 
the  small  but  eloquent  pocket  instrument  of  conversa- 
tion, which  can  make  eight  speeches  with  one  loading. 
Some  men  play  the  game  by  betting  a  thousand  dollars 
on  a  horse  race  in  the  hope  of  accumulating  another 
thousand.  Others  prefer  to  save  up  $25,000  and  in- 
vest it  all  in  a  rubber  company  in  the  hopes  of  getting 
spinal  trouble  while  trying  to  lug  home  the  dividends. 
In  both  cases  the  principle  is  the  same,  but  in  the  for- 
mer the  end  comes  more  speedily  and  is  comparatively 
painless. 

Getting  rich  is  a  sort  of  catch-as-catch-can  game. 
There  are  no  rules  to  speak  of.  Generally  speaking, 
in  polite  circles  it  is  not  proper  to  club  a  man  while  tak- 
ing his  money  away  from  him.  But  this  is  only  be- 
cause more  convenient  methods  have  been  perfected. 
The  coarse  hold-up  man  who  beats  his  victim  with  a  gas 


194        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

pipe  while  subduing  him  is  looked  upon  with  great  scorn 
by  the  soft  spoken  captain  of  skindustry  who  sells  the 
same  victim  a  little  preferred  stock  and  then  runs  the 
price  down  until  said  victim  parting  asks  him  as  a  per- 
sonal favor  to  take  it  back  for  nothing. 

Getting  rich  is  a  peculiar  game  because  everybody 
loses  and  nobody  wins.  Some  men  lose  health  and  oth- 
ers reputation.  Some  lose  a  happy  and  carefree  youth, 
while  others  lose  their  patriotism.  Some  mislay  their 
wives  and  families  in  their  mad  enthusiasm,  while  prac- 
tically all  players  lose  their  ability  to  distinguish  be- 
tween the  laws  and  a  good  lawyer  who  will  obey  orders 
and  no  questions  asked. 

Nobody  wins  in  this  game  because  nobody  really  gets 
rich.  As  soon  as  a  man  has  gotten  $10,000  and  can 
afford  to  wear  two  clean  collars  a  week,  he  discovers 
that  $50,000  is  the  winning  mark.  When  he  makes 
$50,000  he  learns  how  to  become  a  millionaire.  When 
he  gets  his  million  he  is  so  embarrassed  in  the  company 
of  the  real  plutocrat  that  he  blushes  whenever  he  thinks 
of  his  pile.  And  just  as  he  has  accumulated  $100,000,- 
000  and  has  perfected  plans  for  taking  over  the  earth 
in  a  limited  liability  company,  Death  scythes  him  down 
and  his  bright  prospects  are  everlastingly  blighted. 

Getting  rich  is  more  fatal  than  pugilism,  dueling,  or 
playing  with  matches  in  a  powder  mill  but  nobody  ob- 
jects to  it.  Some  of  us  would  if  we  were  not  too  busy 
—  getting  rich. 


BRAGGING   POINTS 

Owing  to  the  great  unwillingness  of  other 
nations  to  brag  about  us  we  Americans  have 
been  compelled  to  do  our  own  boasting.  We 
are  as  thorough  and  successful  in  this  as  we 
are  in  other  occupations.  There  are  over 
1,000,000  separate  and  distinct  bragging 
points  in  this  country  of  which  the  ones  which 
follow  are  perhaps  the  most  deserving. 


BRAGGING    POINTS  197 


THE  PANAMA  CANAL 

THE  Panama  Canal,  which  is  now  open  for  business 
at  the  old  stand,  is  a  fifty-mile-long  gash  in  the 
face  of  Nature,  which  would  be  visible  from  the 
moon  with  the  aid  of  the  Yerkes  telescope.     It  is  the 
largest  alteration  and  improvement  on  the  planet  which 
has  been  accomplished  by  man  up  to  date  and  has  been 
done  in  the  past  ten  years  by  100,000  workmen,  a  few 
sets  of  high  powered  brains  and  a  shipload  of  mosquito 
netting. 

For  many  hundred  years  men  have  wanted  to  dig  the 
Panama  Canal,  and  several  very  costly  attempts  have 
been  made.  But  while  plenty  of  help  could  be  secured 
and  boatloads  of  money  were  available,  the  exact  model 
of  brain  required  could  not  be  found  and  no  attention 
was  paid  to  mosquito  netting.  As  a  result,  while  the 
Panama  district  became  one  of  the  most  flourishing 
cemeteries  in  the  world  it  was  never  navigable  to 
any  extent.  This  is  a  scientific  age,  and  nothing 
proves  it  more  extensively  than  the  fact  that  when  the 
United  States  engineers  tackled  the  job  of  moving  sev- 
eral hundred  million  tons  of  earth  and  rock  they  began 
by  chasing  a  mosquito  into  a  corner  and  killing  him 
with  a  kerosene  can.  As  a  result  Panama,  which  was 
once  a  trifle  more  fatal  than  bichloride  of  mercury  tab- 
lets, is  now  one  of  our  leading  winter  resorts  and  the 
workman  who  tires  of  life  and  wishes  to  fade  away  as 
former  workmen  once  did  by  thousands  has  to  hire  a 
personal  friend  to  kill  him  with  a  club. 


198        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

The  Panama  Canal  unites  the  Atlantic  and  Pacific 
Oceans  and  severs  the  neighborly  feeling  between  Eng- 
land and  America.  By  means  of  the  Canal  30,000-ton 
ships  will  be  hoisted  deftly  over  the  mangled  back  bone 
of  the  continent  and  dumped  safely  into  deep  water  on 
the  other  side.  It  has  cost  upwards  of  $500,000,000, 
and  no  one  has  gotten  rich  off  of  it.  Thus,  without  go- 
ing into  tedious  dimension  details  we  can  say  with  con- 
fidence that  it  is  the  eighth  wonder  of  the  world  and 
the  first  wonder  of  American  politics. 

In  order  to  dig  the  Panama  Canal  the  Government 
had  to  cut  a  mountain  in  two,  build  a  large  navigable 
lake,  pull  a  river  up  by  the  roots,  build  locks  big  enough 
to  hold  an  exposition  building,  change  a  climate,  es- 
tablish a  revolutionless  Central  American  republic  and 
keep  several  thousand  politicians  at  bay.  All  this  was 
successfully  accomplished  under  Colonel  Goethals,  the 
world's  greatest  locksmith  and  geographical  surgeon  — 
which  leads  us  to  hope  that  the  Government  will  now 
have  the  courage  to  tackle  the  Mississippi  River  and 
make  it  behave. 


BRAGGING    POINTS  199 


ON  "PUSH" 

PUSH  "  is  the  process  of  getting  ahead,  if  neces- 
sary, over  the  feet  and  faces  of  the  crowd  in 
front. 

This  country  is  the  home  of  "  push."  Owing  to  the 
constant  endeavor  of  the  rear  rank  to  become  leaders, 
a  man  does  not  sit  down  contented  in  a  good  job  in  the 
United  States  for  two  reasons.  First,  because  he  hopes 
to  push  the  fellow  ahead  of  him  out  of  his  place,  and 
second,  because  the  fellow  behind  him  is  pushing  on  him 
day  and  night. 

"  Push  "  consists  of  getting  down  to  business  early 
and  taking  it  home  with  you  at  night ;  of  selling  a  steam 
thresher  to  the  man  who  came  in  for  a  half-inch  nut 
and  washer;  of  doing  business  on  the  sidewalk,  while 
one's  store  is  burning  up  across  the  street;  of  getting 
the  other  fellow's  trade  away  from  him  without  using  a 
club,  unless  absolutely  necessary ;  of  advertising  until 
men  go  on  Arctic  expeditions  to  get  away  from  your 
trademark;  in  short,  of  grabbing  Opportunity  a  mile 
down  the  street,  dragging  him  in  by  the  heels  and  mak- 
ing a  door  boy  out  of  him. 

One  hundred  years  ago  the  United  States  had  less 
than  8,000,000  people,  a  lot  of  debts,  a  war  about  ready 
to  hatch,  and  a  few  men  of  "  push."  They  kept  push- 
ing until  the  country  had  to  enlarge  five  times  to  take 
care  of  its  business.  In  the  last  twenty  years,  Amer- 
icans have  pushed  harder  than  ever  until  this  nation 
is  now  the  wealthiest  on  the  globe,  and  all  over  the 


200         SIZING    UP    UNCLE    SAM 

world  foreigners  are  rubbing  sore  spots  and  comment- 
ing bitterly  upon  American  "  push.'* 

"  Push  "  is  what  is  digging  the  Panama  Canal  and 
building  ready-made  cities  of  100,000  people  such  as 
Gary,  Indiana.  "  Push "  got  the  New  York  sky- 
scraper up  800  feet  and  filled  Detroit  so  full  of  auto- 
mobile factories  that  it  takes  all  the  air  in  one  ward 
each  day  to  pump  up  the  tires  of  the  new  machines. 
But  "  push  "  has  also  filled  the  federal  prisons  full  of 
bankers,  who  tried  to  make  a  few  yards  through  the 
law,  and  "  push  "  has  made  public  officials  out  of  a 
great  many  men  whose  only  qualification  was  their  abil- 
ity to  get  up  early  in  the  morning  and  collect  votes 
when  the  sheriff  wasn't  looking. 

"  Push  "  has  made  this  a  mighty  country  and  a  very 
uncomfortable  one.  With  the  meat  men,  the  wheat 
men,  the  shoe  men,  and  the  oil  men  all  trying  to  become 
instantaneous  millionaires  by  means  of  "  push,"  the 
average  citizen  is  full  of  bruises  where  he  has  been 
"  pushed."  "  Push  "  is  a  good  motto,  but  "  Quit  your 
shoving  "  isn't  so  bad,  either. 


BRAGGING    POINTS  201 


INDEPENDENCE 

AMONG  its  other  natural  resources  America  has  a 
peculiarly  rich  vein  of  independence. 
Independence  is  a  reenforcement  in  the  back- 
bone which  makes  a  man  want  to  do  things  by  himself, 
even  if  he  has  to  push  a  tyrant  in  the  face  to  accom- 
plish it. 

Being  independent  is  usually  exciting  and  seldom 
pleasant.  Independence  and  trouble  are  old  college 
chums.  They  come  to  a  man  arm  in  arm,  and  as  he 
shakes  hands  with  Independence,  Trouble  climbs  right 
onto  his  back  and  takes  up  permanent  quarters  there. 

Many  years  ago  the  American  colonies  decided  to  be- 
come independent.  This  made  England  very  angry 
and  she  declared  that  if  she  found  any  independence  in 
an  American  colonist,  she  would  shoot  it  out  of  him  and 
very  likely  damage  him  permanently  at  the  same  time. 

Then  the  American  colonists  held  a  great  meeting  in 
Philadelphia  and  issued  a  declaration  which  invited 
England  to  come  over  and  shoot  away  until  she  got 
tired.  It  took  England  five  years  to  get  tired  and 
many  a  patriot  had  his  independence  shot  away,  but 
not  until  his  liver  and  pancreas  had  gone  first. 

The  Declaration  of  Independence  is  still  celebrated 
each  year  in  this  country.  Some  people  claim  this  is 
all  foolishness,  because  there  is  no  more  independence. 
They  claim  that  the  entire  country  has  been  capitalized 
in  six  per  cent,  cumulative  stock  by  various  gentlemen 
residing  within  easy  walking  distance  of  Wall  Street. 


202         SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

This  is  not  true,  however.  The  American  citizen  is 
still  so  independent  that  he  will  walk  ten  miles  to  hit  a 
trust  with  a  brick.  The  trouble  is,  the  trust  usually 
buys  the  brick  from  him  before  he  throws  it. 

There  is  plenty  of  independence  in  this  country,  but 
most  of  it  has  been  bought  up.  The  meat  trust  has  so 
much  independence  that  it  recently  told  the  government 
to  go  to  grass. 

Independence  is  a  very  precious  thing  and  brings  a 
high  market  price  nowadays.  Even  the  bravest  tyrant 
would  hardly  dare  to  stop  an  American  and  take  his  in- 
dependence away  from  him.  He  would  also  be  very 
foolish  to  attempt  it  when  it  can  be  done  so  much  easier 
by  giving  said  citizen  a  small  office  or  a  big  rebate. 


BRAGGING   POINTS  203 


AMBITION 

AMBITION  is  the  stuff  that  schemes  are  made  of 
—  particularly  political  schemes.  It  is  also  a 
sort  of  mental  tack  which  makes  it  uncomforta- 
ble for  a  man  to  sit  down.  It  is  likewise  a  grim  task- 
master which  takes  him  by  the  ear  when  he  has  finished 
the  things  he  has  to  do,  and  leads  him  over  to  a  pile  of 
things  which  he  has  a  chance  to  do. 

America  was  once  full  of  slaves  who  toiled  nineteen 
hours  a  day  for  their  cruel  owners.  Nowadays  it  is 
full  of  slaves  who  toil  the  same  hours  for  ambition,  and 
plan  new  tasks  for  themselves  during  the  other  five. 

Ambition  has  filled  this  land  full  of  millionaires, 
bankrupts,  statesmen,  jangled  nerves,  busted  digestions, 
poor  piano  players  and  unhappy  fathers-in-law  of  for- 
eign noblemen.  This  indicates  that  ambition  isn't  al- 
ways a  good  thing  —  which  is  strictly  true.  Ambition 
is  a  grand  thing  when  properly  fitted  with  check  valves, 
brakes  and  clutch-releases.  But  when  ambition  takes 
a  man  and  yanks  him  from  the  cradle  to  the  tomb  with- 
out giving  him  a  day  off  to  go  out  in  the  country  and 
hear  the  corn  grow,  it  is  no  better  than  a  runaway 
horse. 

The  world  never  gets  tired  of  viewing  the  marvels 
wrought  by  ambition.  Ambition  is  fond  of  picking  up 
human  riff-raff  such  as  cripples,  orphans,  ignoramuses, 
invalids  and  truant  school  boys,  and  making  them  into 
artists,  poets,  generals,  statesmen  and  presidents.  Am- 
bition, plus  a  small  man  with  a  receding  chin,  is  more 


204        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

formidable  than  a  giant  with  a  college  education  and  a 
fine  taste  in  easy  chairs. 

Ambition  is  harder  on  content  than  a  cat  is  on  a 
mouse.  It  is  also  tolerably  hard  on  honesty,  but  it 
likewise  eradicates  laziness  and  shiftlessness,  and  when 
a  man  is  suffering  from  a  large  dose  of  concentrated 
ambition  he  may  be  found  in  a  sanitarium,  but  it  is 
perfectly  useless  to  look  for  him  in  a  poorhouse. 

America  contained  vast  natural  deposits  of  ambition 
and  when  these  were  combined  with  immigration,  the 
result  was  the  United  States.  An  American  is  an  Eng- 
lishman plus  ambition.  An  Englishman  hurries  up  his 
work  so  that  he  can  have  tea  at  four  and  get  into  his 
flannels.  An  American  hurries  up  his  work  so  that  he 
can  take  another  man's  j  ob  away  from  him  and  do  it  be- 
fore supper  time.  Ambition  doesn't  often  make  a  man 
more  pleasant  to  have  around,  but  it  generally  makes 
him  much  more  useful  to  his  widow. 

Ambition,  like  a  great  many  other  things,  is  often 
sadly  misplaced.  There  are  a  great  many  fine  truck 
drivers,  shoe  repairers  and  pie  builders  who  will  not 
stop  trying  to  be  politicians,  violinists,  and  social  lead- 
ers until  they  are  operated  upon  for  ambition. 


BRAGGING    POINTS  205 


REFORMERS 

A  REFORMER  is  a  man  who  insists  on  peddling 
recipes  for  the  millennium  to  people  who  are 
much  more  interested  in  golf,  automobiles,  free 
lunches  and  appeals  to  the  Supreme  Court. 

Reformers  are  America's  greatest  blessing  and  an- 
noyance. They  are  more  pestiferous  and  uncomforta- 
ble than  mosquitoes,  because  they  work  both  day  and 
night,  summer  and  winter,  and  cannot  be  demolished  by 
a  mere  slap  of  the  hand.  A  man  who  has  amassed  a 
million  dollars  by  a  nice  little  ward  organization,  or  a 
cozy  little  railroad,  or  a  comfortable  corner  in  ice  can 
keep  mosquitoes  and  other  nuisances  out  of  his  palace 
by  means  of  screens  and  oil  of  wintergreen,  but  the  re- 
former creeps  in  with  the  morning  newspaper  and  the 
monthly  magazine,  and  stabs  him  in  his  easy  chair  with 
ever  increasing  vigor.  There  is  practically  no  anti- 
dote for,  or  escape  from,  them  except  to  flee  to  Russia, 
where  they  use  stern  measures  with  these  pests,  and  keep 
them  from  talking  by  means  of  a  stout  rope  tied  tightly 
around  the  windpipe.  Russia  has  almost  no  reformers 
left  and  yet  immigration  to  this  paradise  is  very  small 
indeed. 

Reformers  are  a  nuisance,  because  they  are  continu- 
ally waking  up  happy  people  and  calling  their  attention 
to  their  sorrows.  They  have  never  given  us  any  rest. 
When  a  few  self-sacrificing  patriots  elected  our  presi- 
dents for  us  a  century  ago,  the  reformers  yelled  until  a 
popular  vote  with  all  its  annoyances  was  introduced. 


206        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

When  the  country  became  healthy  and  great,  the  re- 
formers were  not  content  until  we  had  gone  to  war  to 
free  the  slaves ;  and  even  to-day  when  prosperity  is  so 
inconceivable  that  the  working  man  has  to  carry  his 
week's  salary  down  to  the  meat  market  in  a  wheelbar- 
row, the  reformers  will  not  let  us  be  happy,  but  keep 
on  talking  about  pure  food  and  conservation  and  re- 
vised House  rules  and  popular  ownership  of  Senators 
and  deodorized  big  business  and  other  idle  dreams,  until 
life  is  hardly  worth  living  except  for  poor  men. 

The  only  way  to  quiet  a  reformer  is  to  give  him  what 
he  wants  and  this  is  only  a  temporary  relief,  for  he  soon 
figures  out  another  reform  and  begins  to  shout  for  it. 

Reformers  have  made  us  a  civilized  and  unhappy  peo- 
ple, whereas  without  them  we  would  still  be  living  con- 
tentedly under  the  protection  of  a  fatherly  old  baron 
who  would  do  our  thinking  for  us  and  would  hang  us 
tenderly  from  his  castle  walls  if  we  presumed  to  bother 
ourselves  about  it. 


DRAWBACKS 

Even  the  Garden  of  Eden  had  a  snake  in 
it.  Portions  of  the  United  States  are  perfect 
and  then  again  other  portions  need  energetic 
fumigation.  We  are  proud  of  our  progress 
but  we  will  never  be  entirely  satisfied  until 
something  is  done  about  the  following  draw- 
backs of  our  beloved  land. 


DRAWBACKS  209 


TORNADOES 

NO  man  is  a  real  thirty-third  degree  American  until 
he  has  helped  pile  up  and  put  together  some  town 
or  city  after  a  tornado  has  toyed  with  it. 
The  tornado  makes  its  lair  in  the  Mississippi  and 
Missouri  valleys  as  a  rule.  It  is  a  grizzly  gray  green- 
ish cloud  with  a  long  funnel  attachment  which  extends 
doAvn  to  earth  and  sucks  up  the  scenery  with  horrible 
avidity.  This  funnel  whirls  at  the  rate  of  11,000,000 
revolutions  a  minute  and  as  it  proceeds  across  the  coun- 
try, it  picks  up  farm  houses,  chickens,  locomotives, 
churches,  hay  stacks,  school  houses,  blackberry  patches, 
and  national  banks  and  carries  them  away.  This 
shows  the  natural  viciousness  of  the  tornado.  It  has 
no  use  for  these  things  —  it  only  carries  them  away  to 
cause  annoyance.  After  mixing  them  up  thoroughly, 
filling  the  school  houses  with  locomotives,  impaling  the 
hay  stack  on  the  church  steeple,  picking  the  feathers 
from  the  chickens  and  mixing  them  with  $5.00  bills,  it 
deposits  the  mess  in  the  next  county  in  a  forty-acre 
stand  of  wheat,  folds  up  its  funnel  and  goes  away  to 
take  another  bite  out  of  civilization  somewhere  else. 
You  can  follow  the  path  of  a  tornado  across  a  whole 
State  by  the  things  which  aren't  there.  Even  a  city 
detective  could  do  it. 

Tornadoes  rise  in  the  southwest  and  proceed  north- 
east, like  Ex-senator  Bailey,  leaving  consternation 
in  their  wake.  Like  Nero  and  other  pitiless  monsters, 
they  are  frivolous  by  nature  and  love  to  produce  quaint 


210         SIZING   UP    UNCLE    SAM 

obituaries  and  unique  horrors,  such  as  blowing  wheat 
straws  through  hired  men,  turning  orphan  asylums  in- 
side out,  stuffing  cows  into  pianos  and  tearing  the 
clothes  off  of  the  dazed  citizen,  leaving  him  arrayed  in 
his  politics  ten  miles  from  where  home  would  have  been 
if  it  had  been  let  alone.  In  the  old  days  when  cyclones 
infested  Kansas  a  great  deal,  the  State  was  full  of 
mournful  farmers  hunting  for  misplaced  houses,  barns, 
cellars  and  sorting  out  tangled  fences  and  county  lines, 
When  a  tornado  visits  a  town  it  only  stays  a  minute 
or  two,  but  it  is  mentioned  for  years,  and  everyone  re- 
members dates  by  it.  Tornadoes  can  be  avoided  by 
dodging  behind  a  mountain  or  into  a  small  cellar  with 
a  stout  door  on  top,  but  cannot  be  argued  with  or  suc- 
cessfully opposed.  However,  no  tornado  has  ever  met 
Col.  Roosevelt  on  a  campaign  tour.  Tornadoes  have 
more  luck  than  some  presidents. 


DRAWBACKS  211 


REVOLVERS 

THIS  country  would  be  happier  and  healthier  if 
revolvers  cost  a  million  dollars  apiece. 
A  revolver  is  a  nickel-plated  substitute  for 
bravery,  which  has  practically  driven  the  original  arti- 
cle out  of  the  market.     It  is  a  small,  loud  instrument 
with  a  cylinder,  a  trigger  and  a  barrel,  through  which 
lead  bullets  can  be  deposited  with  great  ease  and  ra- 
pidity in  burglars,  pedestrians,  political  adversaries, 
and  personal  friends  against  whom  the  owner  of  the  re- 
volver may  be  temporarily  prejudiced. 

The  revolver  gives  a  puny  man  with  a  %-inch  brain 
and  the  pluck  of  a  grasshopper  a  100-yard  reach  and 
makes  him  more  deadly  than  a  Sioux  Indian.  There 
was  a  time  when  this  country  had  no  dangerous  animals, 
except  bears  and  wolves,  and  life  was  safe,  except  on 
the  frontiers,  but  now  vast  hordes  of  sixteen-year-old 
boys  who  use  their  skulls  for  a  dime  novel  bookcase, 
roam  the  streets  with  cigarettes  in  their  faces  and  port- 
able cannon  in  their  hip  pockets,  producing  obituaries 
with  the  skill  and  enthusiasm  of  a  cholera  microbe ;  while 
it  is  at  all  times  possible  to  meet  a  personal  enemy  who 
has  been  chasing  you  for  a  week,  and  who  is  reluctantly 
compelled  to  defend  himself  when  he  catches  you  by  fill- 
ing you  so  full  of  lead  that  your  remains  will  require 
eight  pall-bearers. 

Revolvers  are  now  so  generally  used  in  debate,  in  do- 
mestic quarrels  and  repartee  of  all  sorts  that  8,000 
Americans  die  of  them  each  year.  In  India  about  this 


212         SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

number  of  natives  die  from  cobra  bites  each  year  and 
the  government  is  doing  its  best  to  extinguish  the  co- 
bras. But  in  America  revolvers  are  being  perfected 
each  year,  and  are  now  given  away  as  premiums  with 
tea  and  soap.  The  latest  models,  moreover,  keep  right 
on  shooting  when  the  trigger  is  pulled,  which  makes  it 
possible  for  the  owner  to  get  not  only  the  man  he  is 
shooting  at,  but  a  few  bystanders  and  a  baby  or  two 
in  the  bargain. 

No  man  should  be  allowed  to  carry  a  revolver  except 
a  policeman  and  he  should  be  required  to  count  up  to 
10,000  before  using  it. 


DRAWBACKS  213 


WALL  STREET 

WALL  Street  was  originally  a  proper  name  de- 
noting a  street  in  New  York  City.  Now  it  is 
an  improper  name  used  generally  as  an  epi- 
thet by  the  indignant  public. 

The  real  Wall  Street  is  situated  in  New  York  City 
midway  between  the  Club  district  and  the  bread  line. 
It  is  the  popular  thoroughfare  to  each  of  these  places 
and  is  always  thronged  with  travelers  fighting  to  get 
to  one  destination  or  the  other.  It  is  named  Wall 
Street  because  so  many  people  go  to  the  wall  there.  It 
is  a  short,  narrow  street,  about  two  blocks  long,  three 
blocks  high  and  so  narrow  that  thousands  of  people 
are  squeezed  every  year  trying  to  get  through  it.  It 
is  the  crookedest  street  in  the  world.  Sometimes  it  has 
as  many  as  half  a  dozen  corners  in  one  block. 

Along  Wall  Street  are  the  stock  exchanges  and  the 
offices  of  a  great  many  permanent  and  temporary  rich 
men,  all  of  whom  are  engaged  in  watching  the  prices  of 
stocks  and  wondering  whether  they  will  buy  a  new  auto- 
mobile or  pawn  the  old  one  that  evening.  Riding  up 
and  down  the  elevator  of  prosperity  is  the  favorite 
Wall  Street  occupation.  Here  men  do  not  take  the 
time  to  climb  the  ladder  of  success.  They  use  a  balloon 
and  the  man  who  carries  a  parachute  is  a  piker. 

Wall  Street  is  the  second  largest  menagerie  in  New 
York.  It  is  full  of  bulls,  bears,  lambs,  wolves,  sharks, 
suckers  and  octopuses,  while  more  than  once  the  ele- 
phant, the  donkey  and  the  tiger  have  been  caught  fool- 


214        SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

ing  around  here.  Contrary  to  popular  belief,  it  is  also 
one  of  the  greatest  manufacturing  districts  in  the 
world.  It  turns  out  a  corporation  every  day,  a  mil- 
lionaire complete,  every  hour,  and  a  job  hunter  every 
few  minutes.  It  has  made  one  or  two  presidents  and  a 
large  number  of  senators  have  its  name  plate  on  their 
togas.  It  is  also  the  most  completely  equipped  crisis 
factory  in  existence.  It  can  deliver  a  crisis  in  full 
working  order  on  twenty-four  hours'  notice. 

Wall  Street  has  been  accused  of  a  great  many  sins, 
most  of  which  are  sins  of  commission,  but  it  is  not  as 
bad  as  it  is  painted.  It  does  not  work  on  Sunday  and 
it  saves  a  great  many  foolish  young  men  from  becom- 
ing millionaires  and  getting  the  gout.  Wall  Street  is 
also  very  religious.  The  members  worship  the  Lord 
on  Sunday  and  J.  P.  Morgan  on  week  days. 
Moreover,  we  must  not  forget,  beloved  readers,  that  it 
was  Wall  Street  which  gave  us  President  Roosevelt  by 
interring  him  in  the  Vice-presidency.  This  alone 
should  make  us  think  very  kindly  of  it  and  patronize 
it  whenever  we  are  in  need  of  walls. 


DRAWBACKS  215 


PULLMAN  PORTERS 

A  PULLMAN  porter  is  a  sad  Senegambian  who 
makes  beds  in  a  sleeping  car  for  a  living.  He 
makes  twenty-four  beds  each  night  and  gets 
done  just  in  time  to  begin  unmaking  them  in  the  morn- 
ing. When  business  is  brisk  a  porter  sometimes  has 
to  go  without  food  for  three  days,  because  he  cannot 
take  the  end  of  a  pillow  slip  from  between  his  teeth  long 
enough  to  snatch  a  bite. 

Besides  making  up  beds,  the  porter  has  to  polish 
shoes.  All  night  long  he  polishes  shoes,  putting  black 
polish  on  the  tan  ones  and  tan  polish  on  the  black  ones 
with  great  care.  He  polishes  all  the  shoes  he  can  find 
and  then  puts  them  away  in  a  pile.  Then  he  goes  away 
himself  and  stands  out  in  the  cold  gray  dawning  on 
the  rear  platform  for  hours  at  a  time,  while  his  guests 
ring  a  bell  that  has  been  disconnected.  However,  he 
always  gives  the  shoes  back  when  he  gets  around  to  it. 
Sometimes  a  greedy  guest  takes  a  second  helping  of 
shoes  and  the  last  man  gets  left,  but  this  is  not  the  por- 
ter's fault,  and  those  who  blame  him  wrong  him  cruelly. 

Porters  are  always  dark  men  but  they  are  not  as 
dark  as  their  deeds.  A  porter  likes  nothing  better 
than  to  steal  the  whisk  broom  out  of  the  wash  room  and 
then  rent  his  own  broom  to  the  passengers  for  a  quar- 
ter apiece. 

Porters  are  also  absent-minded.  While  thinking 
about  their  wrongs,  they  forget  to  waken  the  sleeping 
passenger  until  the  train  is  slowing  down  for  his  town, 


216        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

thus  compelling  him  to  dress  lightly  in  his  trousers  and 
leap  for  life  with  a  bushel  of  clothes  in  his  arms.  But 
porters  are  very  faithful.  All  night  long  when  he  is 
not  making  berths  or  blackening  shoes,  the  porter  sits 
by  the  car  heater  and  stokes  it.  If  the  thermometer 
drops  below  111,  he  is  ashamed,  and  weeps  bitterly  over 
his  neglect. 

People  criticise  the  Pullman  porter  because  of  his 
haughty  ways  and  his  gloomy  disposition,  but  we 
should  not  forget  his  wrongs.  What  with  trying  to 
unmake  berths  while  the  people  are  still  in  them  and 
getting  chased  with  a  club  because  he  has  grabbed  a 
sleeping  passenger  by  the  nose  in  trying  to  waken  him, 
and  what  with  spending  a  lifetime  watching  sleepy 
and  ill-natured  mankind  in  its  stocking  feet  and  with- 
out its  collar  on,  he  cannot  help  souring  a  little.  So 
we  should  be  kind  to  the  porter  at  least  a  quarter's 
worth  each  trip  and  should  not  forget,  when  retiring, 
to  attach  a  string  to  a  great  toe  and  hang  it  outside  the 
berth  curtain  in  order  that  he  may  not  be  compelled  to 
feel  around  for  our  hair  in  the  dark  while  waking  us. 


DRAWBACKS  217 


IMPORTED  HUSBANDS 

IMPORTED  husbands  have  been  all  the  rage,  in 
those  American  circles  which  are  able  to  afford 
them,  for  some  years. 

An  imported  husband  is  the  most  stylish  thing  that 
can  be  roped  in  with  a  marriage  license.  He  costs  all 
the  way  from  a  million  dollars  up,  and  usually  doesn't 
last  long  at  that.  If  a  really  flossy  imported  husband 
wears  for  five  years  he  is  doing  very  well  indeed,  and 
the  friends  of  the  purchaser  remark  in  complimentary 
terms  upon  her  powers  of  endurance. 

Imported  husbands  usually  come  as  incumbrances  on 
titles.  It  is  impossible  to  get  a  title  in  this  country 
without  a  husband  attached  which  makes  it  very  awk- 
ward for  those  fortunate  young  ladies  who  have  every- 
thing else  but  a  title.  If  titles  without  husbands  were 
put  on  the  market  in  this  country  they  would  have  an 
enormous  sale  and  the  astute  country  which  went  into 
the  business  would  be  able  to  take  a  large  slice  off  of 
its  national  debt. 

Imported  husbands  come  over  free  of  duty  and  return 
the  same  way.  In  fact,  duty  and  titled  husbands  are 
usually  strangers  and  continue  so  until  the  divorce 
court  gets  in  its  work. 

Shipped-in  husbands  would  not  be  so  bad  if  they 
could  be  kept  in  this  country  where  the  fathers-in-law 
could  occasionally  get  at  them  with  a  club.  Unfor- 
tunately, after  an  American  girl  has  imported  a  hus- 
band she  has  to  go  back  to  Europe  with  him.  The 


218        SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

worst  thing  about  imported  husbands  in  this  country  is 
exported  wives. 

Europe  is  pretty  well  sprinkled  with  American  wives 
who  accompanied  their  purchases  back  to  the  old  coun- 
try and  have  never  been  able  to  save  steamer  fare  home 
out  of  their  pin  money.  An  imported  husband  costs 
more  to  run  than  an  imported  automobile.  But  this  is 
because,  as  a  rule,  he  is  about  twice  as  fast  as  anything 
else  on  earth. 

Imported  husbands  wouldn't  be  so  bad  if  they  came 
with  the  usual  accessories  considered  necessary  in  this 
country  for  a  first-class,  permanent  husband.  When 
an  imported  husband  is  accompanied  by  morals,  intelli- 
gence and  ability,  he  makes  as  fine  a  husband  as  the 
domestic  brand.  There  should  be  an  import  duty  of 
1,000,000  per  cent,  on  all  others. 


DRAWBACKS  219 


CABARETS 

A  CABARET  is  one  of  the  importations  from 
France  which  has  been  overlooked  by  the  party 
in  favor  of  prohibitive  tariff.  It  consists  of  a 
restaurant  afflicted  with  both  food  and  vaudeville. 
Moreover,  both  must  be  consumed  at  the  same  time. 

The  cabaret  originated  in  Paris,  and  is  said  to  have 
been  invented  because  of  the  vast  amount  of  time  wasted 
by  Parisians  in  stepping  around  to  the  stage  door  to 
get  acquainted  with  the  performers.  It  is  a  peram- 
bulating vaudeville  in  which  the  artiste  may  begin  her 
stunt  on  the  stage,  but  is  just  as  likely  as  not  to  finish 
it  in  the  lap  of  a  dignified  and  startled  old  gentleman 
in  the  rear  of  the  restaurant. 

The  cabaret  show  gained  great  fame  because  of  its 
informality  and  sociability.  An  ounce  of  dignity 
would  run  a  cabaret  show  for  several  thousand  years 
and  nothing  could  be  more  sociable  than  a  dinner  table 
with  four  kinds  of  wine  and  a  Parisian  dancer  on  it. 
For  many  years  it  was  the  sacred  duty  of  the  American 
tourist  to  visit  a  cabaret  in  Paris,  and  the  cloak  and 
suit  buyer  who  had  not  had  his  toes  stepped  upon  by  a 
beautiful  young  lady  Tangoist  during  the  soup  course 
in  a  Paris  cafe  was  considered  too  green  for  good  com- 
pany. 

A  few  years  ago  the  cabaret  show  was  transplanted 
to  New  York,  where  it  grew  luxuriantly  and  proved  a 
great  boon  to  a  large  number  of  metropolitan  citizens 
who  were  slowly  starving  to  death  for  the  want  of  suf- 


220        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

ficient  music  to  enable  them  to  masticate  their  food. 
It  is  now  possible  to  buy  in  New  York  for  $2.00  a  nine- 
course  vaudeville  entertainment  accompanied  by  food. 
With  a  little  practice  one  can  become  very  skillful  in 
devouring  these  dances  and  can  turkey  trot  a  steak  or 
grape-vine  an  oyster  with  great  deftness.  Amer- 
ica contains  few  more  startling  sights  than  that  of  a 
room  full  of  well-dressed  citizens  looping  their  soup 
to  the  strains  of  a  Tango  tune  while  ever  and  anon  an 
exquisitely  painted  entertaineress  flits  down  the  aisle 
and  hurdles  a  waiter. 

Some  critics  of  the  cabaret  show  insist  that  it  is 
popular  because  it  helps  the  public  to  endure  the  res- 
taurant meals  —  while  others  declare  that  the  meals 
deaden  the  audience  to  the  terror  of  the  performance. 
However,  the  cabaret  has  spread  more  rapidly  than  the 
dandelion  and  seems  to  be  as  hard  to  eradicate. 


DRAWBACKS  221 


WASTE 

THE  United  States  is  full  of  waste  in  many  forms. 
Waste  money  is  one  of  our  most  serious  troubles. 
After  a  man  has  spent  all  the  money  he  can  sensi- 
bly and  still  hag  more,  he  often  pours  it  down  his  throat 
to  get  rid  of  it,  with  terrible  results. 

Food  is  so  plentiful  in  the  United  States  that  we  are 
very  wasteful  in  its  use.  After  an  American  family 
has  finished  a  dinner,  a  French  family  can  live  high  off 
the  remains.  The  garbage  barrel  is  the  best  fed  insti- 
tution in  the  country. 

Time  is  scandalously  wasted.  Many  a  man  wastes 
so  much  time  in  business  that  he  hasn't  any  left  in  which 
to  make  himself  worth  talking  to  or  to  insure  his  being 
buried  with  regret. 

Government  is  full  of  waste.  Our  cities  usually  elect 
two  or  three  aldermen  with  brains  and  a  lot  more  for 
which  it  cannot  find  the  slightest  use.  However,  no  city 
is  wasted  by  its  aldermen.  They  get  everything  they 
can  out  of  it. 

Religion  is  extremely  wasteful.  Many  a  small  town 
supports  five  ministers'  families  on  hope  and  potatoes 
and  keeps  up  five  churches  with  five  bells,  whereas  one 
bell  would  make  enough  disturbance  to  call  the  people 
to  one  church,  which  could  be  presided  over  by  one  min- 
ister with  a  well-fed  appearance  and  no  doubts. 

There  is  an  appalling  waste  of  conversation.  Three- 
quarters  of  the  conversation  could  be  abolished  and  the 
output  of  thought  would  still  be  the  same.  The  man 


222        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

who  wastes  a  half  hour  each  for  1,000  American  citi- 
zens by  loading  up  a  few  burning  thoughts  with  fraz- 
zled adjectives  and  calling  the  result  an  oration,  ought 
to  be  looked  into  by  the  conservation  congress. 

There  are  nearly  a  hundred  million  people  in  this 
country  and  each  year  we  waste  enormous  numbers  of 
these  because  we  are  too  much  interested  in  gold,  auto- 
mobiles and  dividends  to  pry  into  the  health  statistics 
and  to  aid  suffering  humanity  with  something  besides 
kind  thoughts.  When  a  nation  is  too  busy  to  take  care 
of  its  babies  and  clean  up  its  slums,  it  ought  to  be 
kicked  with  great  vigor  in  the  capital  and  elsewhere. 


DRAWBACKS  223 


EXTRAVAGANCE 

EXTRAVAGANCE,  according  to  the  dictionary, 
is  the  process  of  expending  profusely. 
But   extravagance   doesn't   always   mean   the 
same  thing.     Some  people  expend  profusely  when  they 
buy  a  bill  collector  a  ten-cent  cigar  and  ask  him  to 
come  again  for  his  money.     Others  live  modestly  so  long 
as  they  make  an  automobile  last  a  whole  season. 

There  was  a  time  in  this  country  when  extravagance 
consisted  of  buying  food  at  a  store  instead  of  raising 
it  in  the  back  yard.  Nowadays  the  average  man  isn't 
extravagant  until  he  orders  a  porterhouse  steak  at  a 
first-class  restaurant  without  looking  at  the  price  list. 

A  long  time  ago  people  were  extravagant  whenever 
they  spent  money  for  things  which  they  did  not  need. 
But  no  man  is  extravagant  to-day  unless  he  cashes  in 
his  life  insurance  to  buy  his  wife  an  electric  car. 

This  is  a  disturbing  situation.  When  a  citizen  of 
this  great  and  horridly  prosperous  country  does  not 
feel  that  he  is  extravagant  so  long  as  he  is  only  spend- 
ing money  with  one  hand,  it  is  time  to  be  alarmed. 
Presently  the  nation  will  have  a  financial  chill  and  thou- 
sands of  happy  Americans  will  take  up  the  task  of 
trying  to  turn  oriental  rugs  and  player  pianos  into 
groceries  with  no  success  at  all.  When  a  government 
erects  $75,000  public  buildings  in  order  to  save  $1,000 
a  year  in  postoffice  rent ;  when  railroad  directors  buy 
branch  lines  for  $1,000,000  and  sell  them  to  their  com- 
panies for  $16,000,000  in  cash;  when  cities  float  bond 


224        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

issues  in  order  to  enlarge  city  halls  so  as  to  provide 
more  room  for  janitors  —  it  is  hard  to  expect  the  com- 
mon plug  American  to  hesitate  and  reflect  before  soak- 
ing his  weekly  pay  check  into  a  cabaret  party  with  taxi- 
cab  trimmings. 

America  ought  to  begin  to  economize  from  the  top 
down  now  instead  of  waiting  until  the  constable  bangs 
at  the  door  with  an  attachment  for  the  gas  stove  and 
the  cut  glass  collection  in  the  dining  room. 


DRAWBACKS  225 


THE  RAILWAY  STATION 

THE  reason  why  so  few  tourists  from  foreign 
countries  love  America  is  because  they  have 
been  compelled  to  make  too  close  a  study  of  its 
railway  stations. 

We  do  not  refer  to  the  vast  marble-lined  palaces  now 
being  built  in  our  great  cities,  and  in  which  it  is  possi- 
ble to  run  half  a  mile  for  a  train  after  reaching  the 
front  door.  We  allude  to  the  decayed  dog  house  which 
does  duty  throughout  the  smaller  towns  of  the  country 
as  a  "  deepo." 

The  "  deepo  "  is  a  terrestrial  annex  of  purgatory 
which  is  used  by  railroad  companies  as  a  means  of  con- 
vincing its  patrons  of  the  desirability  of  staying  at 
home.  It  is  a  small  wooden  shack  equipped  with  a  cross 
station  agent,  and  lavishly  fitted  up  for  the  comfort  of 
its  patrons  with  a  window,  a  door,  an  extinct  stove, 
which  can  be  coaled  up  only  by  making  a  requisition 
to  the  board  of  directors,  and  a  row  of  torture  benches 
called  "  seats  "  by  the  maniac  who  designed  them. 

"  Deepos  "  were  designed  by  an  enemy  of  man  and 
are  maintained  by  perfect  strangers  to  the  human  race. 
In  them  people  are  supposed  to  wait  hour  after  hour  for 
trains  which  do  not  come  and  in  which  the  agent  has  no 
interest.  The  waiters  are  assisted  by  a  kerosene  lamp, 
which  was  cleaned  in  1889,  and  a  time  card  which  was 
nailed  on  the  wall  in  the  first  Cleveland  administration 
and  has  been  accumulating  inaccuracy  ever  since.  In 
order  that  prospective  passengers  shall  not  be  overcome 


226        SIZING   UP    UNCLE   SAM 

by  these  luxuries  and  insist  on  staying  in  the  "  deepo  " 
instead  of  boarding  the  trains,  the  waiting  room  seat 
was  invented  by  the  same  man  who  invented  the  rack 
and  the  thumb  screw.  It  is  a  hard  slat  bench  made  to 
fit  a  sack  of  potatoes  and  provided  with  a  back  which 
comes  up  just  far  enough  to  push  the  fifth  vertebra  out 
of  place  when  the  victim  becomes  exhausted  and  leans 
back  to  sleep. 

"  Deepos  "  are  painted  every  fifty  years.  They  are 
never  cleaned,  but  occasionally  burn  down.  Then  the 
railroad  company  unloads  a  box  car  for  a  "  deepo  " 
and  so  many  people  flock  to  enjoy  the  unaccustomed 
luxury  that  the  company  is  compelled  to  build  a  new 
"  deepo  "  in  self-defense. 

The  growth  of  interurban  traffic  in  this  country  has 
been  marvelous,  and  is  a  sad  puzzle  to  railroad  presi- 
dents, who  claim  that  their  trains  are  far  more  luxuri- 
ous than  interurban  cars.  But  the  secret  of  the  inter- 
urban's  popularity  is  the  fact  that  it  has  no  "  deepo." 
Its  passengers  wait  on  the  street  corners  in  the  clear, 
pure  air  and  amid  dirt  which  is  provided  by  nature. 

We  are  not  personally  acquainted  with  any  railroad 
presidents,  but  presume  they  are  coarse,  rude  individu- 
als who  live  in  sheds  and  allow  the  pigs  to  come  in  for 
meals.  They  must  be,  or  they  would  not  be  so  well  con- 
tent with  the  "  deepos  "  along  their  railroads. 


PROBLEMS 

When  the  United  States  has  nothing  else 
to  do  it  devotes  a  few  hours  to  the  solution  of 
various  problems  which  have  loafed  along 
through  the  decades  under  the  head  of  "  Un- 
finished business."  Thanking  you  one  and  all 
for  your  kind  attention  I  shall  close  the  en- 
tertainment with  a  discussion  of  a  few  of  the 
problems  which  have  put  corrugations  in  the 
brow  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  and  have 
bestrewn  the  American  conversation  with  de- 
spairing cusswords. 


PROBLEMS  229 


EX-PRESIDENTS 

WHEN  we  haven't  anything  else  to  worry  about 
in  America  we  worry  about  our  ex-presi- 
dents. 

An  Ex-president  is  a  man  who  has  filled  the  biggest 
job  in  the  world,  and  is  trying  to  work  down  into  or- 
dinary life  again.  This  is  a  very  difficult  thing  to  do. 
When  an  Ex-president  tries  to  squeeze  into  any  other 
job,  he  usually  stretches  it  all  out  of  shape.  Nothing 
is  more  disturbing  than  to  watch  an  Ex-president  try- 
ing to  earn  an  honest  living  writing  editorials,  while 
fourteen  reporters  are  interviewing  him  on  the  Balkan 
War. 

A  President  serves  from  four  to  eight  years  at  $75,- 
000  a  year,  and  accumulates  during  that  time  a  thick 
mantle  of  dignity.  When  he  retires  from  the  presi- 
dency, he  sheds  the  $75,000,  but  retains  the  dignity. 
It  is  as  hard  to  earn  a  living  while  wrapped  up  in  pres- 
idential dignity,  as  it  is  to  run  a  foot  race  with  nine 
overcoats  on.  Yet  if  an  Ex-president  should  hang  his 
dignity  on  a  hickory  limb  and  run  for  justice  of  the 
peace,  the  whole  country  would  be  indignant. 

Because  of  all  these  facts,  several  of  our  finest  Ex- 
presidents  have  died  with  very  little  but  dignity  in  the 
house. 

An  Ex-president  would  make  an  invaluable  senator 
or  representative  or  member  of  the  supreme  court,  or 
cabinet  officer,  but  most  of  them  are  allowed  to  go  to 
waste  by  a  hostile  administration.  This  nation,  which 


230         SIZING    UP    UNCLE    SAM 

sheds  tears  every  time  some  woodchopper  fails  to  con- 
serve a  pine  tree,  now  possesses  two  Ex-presidents,  and 
is  not  making  as  much  use  of  them  as  it  would  of  a 
1901  automobile. 

A  commission  should  be  appointed  for  the  purpose 
of  extracting  all  possible  usefulness  from  Ex-presidents. 
When  people  have  spent  a  million  dollars  electing  a 
President,  and  half  a  million  more  teaching  him  states- 
manship, it  ought  not  to  turn  him  over  to  law  colleges, 
magazines  or  publishing  houses  free  of  charge  when 
his  commission  has  expired. 

If  Ex-presidents  were  turned  loose  for  life  into  the 
House  of  Representatives  or  the  Senate,  they  would  be 
cheap,  with  their  vast  experience  at  twice  the  price, 
and  could  give  lessons  in  patriotism  and  high  motives 
which  might  possibly  interest  some  of  the  newcomers. 

The  present  lot  of  the  Ex-president  is  considered  to 
be  a  sad  one,  but  most  of  us  would  cheerfully  undertake 
it  even  at  half  price. 


PROBLEMS  231 


THE  TARIFF 

THE  tariff  is  like  a  revolver.  It  is  either  a  men- 
ace or  a  protection,,  depending  on  whether  you 
are  opposing  it  or  are  standing  behind  it. 

If  you  are  opposing  the  tariff,  it  is  a  cruel  and  hun- 
gry monster  which  reaches  into  the  dinner  bucket  of 
the  poor  man  and  yanks  the  porterhouse  steak  and  cold 
raspberry  pie  out  of  it.  If  you  favor  the  tariff  it  is  a 
benevolent  high  board  fence  which  keeps  the  cruel  mon- 
ster of  foreign  competition  from  getting  at  the  same 
dinner  pail. 

Any  way  you  look  at  it,  the  tariff  is  intimately  asso- 
ciated with  the  dinner  pail.  A  good  many  people  in- 
sist that  it  is  the  watch  dog  of  the  dinner  pail,  while 
others  say  that  it  never  pays  to  give  the  dog  the  con- 
tents of  said  pail  for  watching  it. 

The  tariff  lives  in  the  customs  house,  but  is  borrowed 
by  both  Republican  and  Democratic  parties  during  each 
campaign  and  led  about  the  country  for  exhibition  pur- 
poses. When  Democrats  exhibit  the  tariff,  they  do  so 
with  great  terror,  and  pale  statesmen  endeavor  to  keep 
it  from  breaking  out  of  its  cage  and  devouring  children, 
three  at  a  gulp. 

On  the  other  hand,  when  Republicans  exhibit  the 
tariff  they  put  their  arms  lovingly  around  its  neck  and 
claim  that  it  is  as  useful  in  a  kitchen  as  two  hired  girls 
and  a  gas  stove.  On  the  whole,  it  is  more  fun  to  be  a 
Republican  than  a  Democrat,  because  a  Democrat  is  so 
scared  of  the  tariff  all  through  the  campaign  that  he 


232         SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

can't  sleep  at  night.  A  Democrat  will  link  arms  with  a 
tiger  and  stroke  his  whiskers  with  pleasure,  but  let  the 
tariff  rise  up  ever  so  little  and  he  shrieks  for  help  from 
Maine  to  California. 

Republicans  are  very  kind  to  the  tariff  and  point 
with  pride  to  its  growth  and  height.  But  Democrats 
claim  it  should  be  cut  in  two  close  to  the  tail,  and  they 
would  have  done  so  last  year  when  they  had  the  thing 
tied  up,  if  they  had  not  been  so  afraid  of  it. 

We  owe  a  great  deal  to  the  tariff,  because  it  has  pro- 
tected our  infant  industries  until  they  could  grow  up 
and  become  carnivorous. 


PROBLEMS  233 


THE  SLEEPING  CAR 

THE  sleeping  car  is  one  of  the  greatest  of  Ameri- 
can inventions.  It  enables  the  corporations  to 
work  us  while  we  sleep. 

The  sleeping  car  is  filled  with  beautiful  plush  seats 
which  are  made  more  uncomfortable  at  night  by  being 
turned  into  berths.  There  are  ordinarily  twenty  berths 
and  each  berth  will  hold  one  and  three-fifths  per- 
sons and  a  peck  of  cinders.  The  berths  are  divided 
into  upper  and  lower  berths  respectively.  The  lower 
berths  were  much  more  popular  because  of  their  prox- 
imity to  the  floor  until  the  Interstate  Commerce  Com- 
mission lowered  the  rates  on  the  uppers,  after  which  it 
was  discovered  that  the  long,  hard  climb  to  the  upper 
berth  is  very  beneficial  and  assists  in  producing  sleep. 

To  utilize  a  sleeping  car  you  must  pay  about  $2.00 
a  night.  Seventy-five  cents  of  this  is  for  the  use  of  the 
car,  the  blankets  and  the  pillows,  and  the  rest  is  for  the 
use  of  the  beautiful  wood  carving  and  inlaying  with 
which  the  car  is  decorated.  If  you  have  rented  a  lower 
berth,  you  will  find  on  the  inside  a  small  hammock  large 
enough  to  hold  a  No.  4  shoe  on  an  A  last.  Into  this 
you  may  place  your  clothes,  your  overcoat,  your  hat 
and  your  valise,  reserving  your  pocket  handkerchief 
for  additional  bed  covering.  If  you  rent  an  upper 
berth,  you  must  ascend  by  means  of  a  ladder.  Climb- 
ing to  the  top  of  this,  you  take  hold  of  the  curtain  rail 
with  one  hand  and  the  outer  ring  of  Saturn  by  the 
other  and  draw  yourself  up  until  you  can  clasp  one  leg 


234        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

about  the  berth  chain  next  to  the  wall.  You  then  re- 
treat gradually  into  the  berth  sideways,  after  which  the 
porter  takes  away  your  shoes  in  order  to  have  evidence 
against  you  in  the  morning  when  he  calls  for  his  tip. 

Rules  of  etiquette  require  passengers  to  dress  in  the 
berths  of  a  sleeping  car  instead  of  in  the  aisles.  As  a 
result  of  this,  American  contortionists  now  lead  the 
world.  Women  often  travel  in  sleeping  cars,  but  the 
company  doesn't  encourage  the  practice.  It  has  made 
the  women's  toilet  room  so  small  that  only  one  woman 
at  a  time  can  occupy  it,  and  if  two  women  are  in  a  car 
one  of  them  has  to  get  up  at  thr"ee  o'clock  in  order  to 
give  both  a  chance  to  dress  before  breakfast. 

Sleeping  cars  are  now  so  numerous  that  the  company 
finds  great  difficulty  in  finding  names  for  them.  It  has 
exhausted  the  names  of  countries,  cities  and  operas, 
but  if  it  will  now  start  in  on  the  names  which  passengers 
have  called  sleeping  cars,  it  will  be  amply  provided  for 
all  time  to  come. 


PROBLEMS  235 


CITY  HALLS 

THE  American  city  hall  is  a  barometer  of  munici- 
pal honesty. 
Every  American  city  is  equipped  with  a  city 
hall.     It  may  not  have  parks,  hospitals,  playgrounds 
or  boards  of  health,  but  it  always  has  a  city  hall,  and  it 
usually  owes  money  on  it. 

The  casual  stranger  can  tell  whether  to  button  up 
his  money  in  an  inside  pocket  when  arriving  in  an  Amer- 
ican town  by  inspecting  its  city  hall  and  inquiring  its 
cost.  If  it  appears  to  have  been  built  of  ordinary  ma- 
terial and  only  cost  as  much  as  it  looks  he  can  linger 
with  safety  in  that  city.  But  if  its  cost  indicates  that 
sheet  gold  and  powdered  diamonds  were  employed  in  its 
construction  he  had  better  travel  down  the  middle  of 
the  street  and  secrete  himself  in  a  manhole  at  the  ap- 
proach of  a  policeman  or  city  official. 

Building  city  halls  is  indulged  in  with  passionate 
pleasure  by  city  officials  who  have  forgotten  all  ten 
commandments  and  have  invented  several  new  ones  to 
break.  Buying  stone  at  jewelry  prices,  paying  for 
solid  silver  and  getting  brick  and  installing  furniture 
that  cost  $1,000  a  ton  and  looks  like  thirty-seven  cents 
is  a  favorite  pastime  with  city  hall  builders  in  those 
towns  who  hold  their  noses  at  municipal  elections  and 
their  pocketbooks  forever  afterward.  Many  crowds  of 
earnest,  impartial  safeblowers  have  built  grand  city 
halls  in  American  cities  and  have  retired  for  life  to  live 
on  the  income  thereof.  And  the  worst  of  it  is  the  city 


236        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

halls  remain,  and  the  citizens  have  to  view  them  every 
day  with  humility  and  deep  crimson  blushes. 

Chicago  is  not  a  phenomenally  virtuous  town,  but  it 
built  a  city  hall  recently  for  less  money  than  was  ap- 
propriated for  the  purpose  and  has  been  proud  about 
it  ever  since.  On  the  other  hand,  Philadelphia  has  a 
city  hall  which  reached  537  feet  toward  Heaven  and 
smells  several  thousand  miles  higher  than  that.  It  is 
impossible  for  a  Philadelphian  to  become  haughty  and 
noisy  about  his  town,  because  whenever  he  attempts  it 
some  ribald  citizen  of  elsewhere  asks  him  how  much  his 
city  hall  cost. 


PROBLEMS  237 


OUR  STANDING  ARMY 

THE  standing  army  of  the  United  States  is  the 
greatest  in  the  world. 
There  are  statisticians  who  will  indignantly 
deny  this,  but  this  is  because  they  ride  home  in  auto- 
mobiles at  night,  and  do  not  know  how  the  other  forty- 
nine-fiftieths  of  us  live. 

Our  standing  army  consists  of  upwards  of  5,000,000 
people.  Thanks  to  American  chivalry,  most  of  these 
are  men.  Some  of  us  stand  only  a  mile  or  so  each  day, 
while  others  stand  ten  miles  a  day,  and  have  to  transfer 
three  times  in  the  bargain. 

The  discipline  of  the  American  standing  army  is  mag- 
nificent. This  is  because  it  is  drilled  regularly,  twice 
a  day.  Every  evening  in  every  American  city,  whole 
cars  full  of  the  army  can  be  seen  obeying  commands. 
After  a  man  has  belonged  for  a  while  he  answers  the 
commands :  "  Step  lively,"  "  Move  up  in  front,"  and 
"  Take  the  next  car,"  like  a  well  oiled  machine. 

Many  members  of  the  army  are  splendid  athletes. 
Nothing  is  finer  for  the  muscles  than  standing  army 
drill.  A  veteran  will  carry  four  bundles  and  a  garden 
rake  under  one  arm,  hang  from  a  strap  with  the  other, 
and  hold  up  two  large  men  on  his  feet  for  hours  at  a 
time. 

The  American  standing  army  is  very  useful.  It  is 
used  to  build  costly  mansions  and  provide  titled  sons- 
in-law  and  other  trinkets  for  street  car  magnates. 
When  a  magnate  wants  a  new  yacht  or  an  old  master, 


238        SIZING   UP   UNCLE   SAM 

he  takes  a  few  cars  off  his  line  and  thus  increases  his 
standing  army.  In  New  York  as  many  as  200  members 
of  the  army  are  often  crowded  into  a  single  car.  This 
is  accomplished  by  other  members  of  the  army  who  are 
trained  to  push  on  them  from  behind.  Sometimes  the 
cars  burst,  and  sometimes  the  patrons  do.  The  former 
is  considered  more  unfortunate  by  the  company.  New 
York  magnates  are  very  kind  to  their  standing  army, 
however,  and  have  recently  put  sanitary  straps  in  their 
cars.  New  York  is  the  only  city  where  the  standing 
army  has  a  regular  waiting  list  each  night.  This  is  be- 
cause women  are  allowed  to  belong  to  it,  however. 

Contrary  to  custom  in  other  countries,  the  American 
standing  army  draws  no  pay.  On  the  contrary,  it  pays 
for  the  privilege  of  standing.  This  leads  to  the  belief 
that  the  army  would  not  be  worth  two  bits  in  time  of 
war.  An  army  which  pays  five  cents  per  head  for  the 
privilege  of  hanging  from  a  strap,  and  being  punched 
in  the  back  by  a  conductor,  would  probably  thank  the 
enemy  with  tears  in  its  eyes  while  it  was  being  kicked 
off  the  field  of  battle. 


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